Face it together
by GygyFr
Summary: A call turns into a tragedy for the firehouse 51. In shock, the firefighters have to handle the aftermath, but some of them, especially one of them, has troubles to deal with what he saw. The firehouse 51 is a big family, but will everyone be there for each other, or will they forget some of them ? If you want more, just read the story :D
1. A bad call

_Hello everyone and welcome to this new fanfiction! I am very excited to share it with you._

 _ **Situation:** I'm working on it since the beginning of season 4 (ie since October), so I have not changed the other storylines that went around this season:_

 _-Patterson isn't in the story (as I didn't like him first, and then I supposed that Severide would have his place back and Patterson would have left the group). So is Riddle by the way._

 _-Hermann had never get stabbed and all the history with Freddy has not occurred._

 _-Gabby had the miscarriage (I've added this storyline after starting the story)._

 _ **What about the history of this story?** A call turns into tragedy for 51. All the barracks in shock, especially those who saw the disaster (you will see by reading the first chapter), firefighters must handle it (the drama, I said). But some of them more difficult to manage the post-drama (those who saw what happened). 51 barracks is a big family, but is that everyone will be there for each other or will they forget some firefighters?_

 _This story will therefore be based on the side that we almost never see about firemen: we see them all as super heroes, but they are as human as us, and they also may have difficulties to face what they can see on their job._

 _ **Disclaimers:** I don't own any character on this story who appeared or is appearing on the three shows (Chicago Fire, PD and Med)._

 _ **General:** I have to thank above all Milady29 Sarrabr4 to help me in this fanfiction (they are my betas), especially to correct the mistakes that I can do (because I know I do): I am French, and before June 2015, english and I weren't on very good terms. And writing fanfiction helped and helps me to improve my english and discover new horizons._

 _Anyway, I hope you will enjoy this story and you will take as much pleasure to read it as I have to write it._

 _Have a great evening!_

* * *

 **Chapter 1: A bad call**

It was 10am and the firefighters of the firehouse 51 had received their first call: a building on fire in the neighboring suburb of Chicago. Everybody hurried to put on their gear, get in their trucks and arrived on scene as soon as possible. Every call, just a second could change everything, and everybody knew that. This was one of the first rules they learned at the firefighter Academy. Once on their trucks, they sped to the address given by main. Trucks at full speed, sirens wailing in the streets of Chicago, truck 81 and battalion 25 were first, as usual. They were followed by squad 3, then ambulance 61. The engine guys were a little further behind: coming from the other side of the firehouse, they had to take another way to arrive on scene. Inside the fire truck, lieutenant Casey began to give his orders, knowing perfectly that the engine guys were a few minutes out.

"Mouch, Borelli, stay outside to place our own hoses the time for engine 51 to come. Dawson, Otis, stay together to vent the roof, and you'll help the engine guys when they'll arrive. I'll be with Hermann. If squad needs help, stay together to help us".

"Copy".

Inside the squad truck, it was the same speech.

"Cruz, Tony, stay together to do the search and rescue. I'll stay with Capp".

"On it".

Severide and Casey were like twins: it seemed like they knew what the other was thinking without any gesture, without seeing each other. They just needed to know something else: what kind of building it was. Because depending of the building, squad and truck didn't coordinate in the same way. Chief Boden arrived on scene, having a faster car than the fire trucks. He got out his car and observed the structure catching fire. He gripped his radio to talk to his men and explain what was happening.

"It's a four floors building, including the main floor. It's totally on fire. Potentially sixteen apartments".

The chief turned to one of the people he saw getting out of the building, running and coughing. He grabbed his arm to hold him and put him out of any danger.

"How many are still inside?"

"I don't know", the man said coughing. "Lot of people are working today, but there's no school".

The expression on Boden's face changed suddenly. This call was one of those that all firefighters feared: when children are still inside a burning structure. Because their little lungs couldn't deal with the smoke very well, this made them die even faster. The sirens of fire trucks came to his ears, finally signaling their arrival. Once out of them, Boden sped on them.

"We don't know how many victims are still inside but there should have children, so hurry".

Hermann and Casey were the first to nod, knowing that time was running out. And being parents or almost having been, it tore their heart to know that children were in danger. Squad 3 came and Boden explained again what he told Casey and his men. Severide turned to the truck lieutenant.

"We do it as usual?"

Casey nodded.

"Yeah. Join on first floor".

"Alright".

Even it was nearly six months he worked at the firehouse 51 and under Casey's commands, Borelli was still amazed at how the two lieutenants were working together when they were called on structure fires. They just had to know what kind of building they were going to enter, and without consulting each other, they had one strategy in place. Curious and lost, he turned to Mouch for some explanations.

"As usual? What does that mean Mouch?"

Grabbing one of the hoses, Mouch smiled and laughed at the same time.

"Tony will begin search on the last floor with Cruz, Severide and Capp will go on the second floor, Casey and Hermann will do the search on the main floor. And the three teams will do the search and rescue on the first floor together. Each floor is checked on clockwise".

Borelli was amazed to see the lieutenants coordinating their efforts well and with ease.

"They have worked together since fifteen years, so they have had time to figure out their strategies", Mouch added, seeing Borelli puzzled and thinker.

He nodded and came to help him to place the hoses while the other firefighters were coming inside the building. Hopefully, there weren't any escalators. They weren't seeing anything, even on their knees. But despite this, they needed to move forward. Squad 3 found their way with their torches to go up the floors while Casey and Hermann made their search on the main floor. Both of them took an apartment and pushed the door open.

"Fire department, call out!"

But nobody responded. To be sure to not forget someone, they checked every room one by one and checked another apartment. The two other teams did the same, getting a dozen of people out of the building while Dawson and Otis were venting the roof. Once done, they came down the ladder and came to help the engine guys who just arrived on scene.

"Roof is open, all clear!", Otis screamed on his radio to alert the others.

Inside, search and rescue was continuing and was finally focused on the first floor. They had already rescued twenty people trapped inside.

"Severide! Take the right with Capp, I take the left with Hermann!"

"Okay!"

Severide turned his back to Casey to begin the search on counter clockwise while Casey did the same but clockwise. The first apartment was empty, but arriving inside, the flames became intense.

"I give you a minute! The smoke is turning black! One minute!", Boden confirmed.

No need to answer, Casey and Hermann came inside the second apartment.

"Fire department, call out!"

They heard someone coughing, probably a child. Casey focused on the hallway where the bedrooms were. Then they saw a young woman, lying on the ground near one of the doors. He ran to her side, and put her on her back. She was still conscious, ready to cough her lungs due to the smoke inhalation, but still conscious.

"We'll get you out!"

She coughed and gripped Casey's gear.

"My son! My son is inside!"

"I'll get him out! But you need to get out, trust me!"

Tony and Cruz came to help. Cruz ran toward Severide and Capp while Tony arrived near Hermann and Casey.

"Tony, get her out of it! Hermann and I will find the kid!"

Tony nodded and placed himself near the woman so her head was under his head, protected by his hands. They got finally out, the young mother in agony and immediately taken over by the ambulance 61.

"61 to main, we need more ambos. We have a lot of smoke inhalation victims".

"Copy 61. Sending three more ambulances".

Chili placed an oxygen mask on her face, sat her down on the pavement. In the apartment, Casey opened the door to go inside. A young kid was straight up, probably afraid, still and up on this smoky air. He didn't cough, but Casey had read in his eyes. He was totally paralyzed by fear. The flames became more intense, and a noise that every firefighter feared came on their ears.

"Casey, get down!"

Without thinking, he turned his head to the hallway, seeing Hermann throw himself to the ground. He realized what would happen: with the roof open and this window too, the flames were arriving toward them on a grouped and evil dance. A geyser of flames began to step into the room, and Casey had just enough time to flatten to the ground to avoid being burned by these flames. He hadn't thought about what he was doing, but suddenly he thought back to that child who stood in front of him. He looked up just in time to see this little kid drowned by flames, without flinching, without crying, just standing there and paralyzed by fear. Once the flames out of the window, radio squealed.

"Hermann, Casey, report!"

But now, Casey was still. Hermann put his hands on his knees, and rushed to the lieutenant, terrified by the fact that he could be affected by this backdraft. He also had seen this little guy be devoured by the flames. But he didn't remember seeing his lieutenant being hit. He carefully looked at him. He was staring at this window, where there was a few seconds earlier this child. He was no more than four years old, five at the most. But it was always hard to know that nothing could be done to prevent this. His own lieutenant, who was always in control, was totally lost, totally paralyzed. He helped him get to his feet, still shocked by what he had just seen.

"Casey, we need to get out... Boden is calling us".

He didn't react, standing still. Hermann put his hand on his shoulder, ready to shake him if needed, but Casey was in his inside world, still thinking of what happened. How was he going to announce this to the mother, while she had trusted him? There were so many questions without answers and would probably remain unanswered.

"Casey, Hermann, report!"

Seeing Casey's bad shape, Hermann grabbed his radio and turned it on.

"All good chief. We're coming".

His voice was trembling, almost out. But he placed himself in front of Casey and looked at him carefully.

"Casey".

Casey shook his head, and face Hermann's eyes. They were both in shock, but they had to get out of this building. Arriving outside, they removed their mask, then their SCBA and their gloves. Casey looked the pavement, where the woman who Hermann and him saved earlier, this woman that was looking at him with an oxygen mask. She put it out and tried to take a deep breath.

"And... And my son?"

His eyes still lost on the void, Casey approached the woman. But he didn't have to talk. Just his gaze was saying everything. The mother knew something bad happened.

"No... No..."

She shook her head, forbidding her to believe that her son wasn't here anymore, wasn't here in this world anymore. Eyes closed, Casey opened his mouth, his lips shaking.

"I-I'm sorry, truly... I know it's hard but I-"

"How dare you!", the mother interrupted him. "How dare you tell me you know what I'm getting through! You promised!"

She got up, and slapped him on his cheek with all her strength. With so much strength that his head tipped to the right and his neck cracked. The firefighters around them were in shock, by her comportment but also by this scene. He was always motivating his men and calmed them, but their lieutenant was now a victim, completely blasted. Casey opened his eyes and faced this black gaze from this woman who lost her child. She had tears in her eyes, ready to collapse to the ground, finally understanding the situation. And instead of helping her, of comfort her as he had the habit to do with the victims, he stayed here, still and paralyzed. He was seeing again and again in his head these pictures of this kid drowning in flames, without crying, without screaming, just still in front of him, him who was on the ground to protect himself and couldn't do anything to save him but watching this scene just in front of his eyes. He felt a hand taping his right shoulder, but this didn't help him to come in the land of the living.

"Casey... Let's go, we have to go".

He knew he had to go back to the firehouse, but he couldn't. He stayed here, watching this woman crying her four year old child, collapsed to the ground. He couldn't avoid himself to see again this child, again and again, telling himself he could do something to avoid this. But each time he changed the scenario, the kid died.

"Casey".

Hermann put himself right in front of him, put his hands on his shoulders and shook his lieutenant slightly. After several seconds, Casey locked his gaze on his, totally lost.

"We have to get back".

Finally, Casey nodded with difficulty, then approached his truck without any noise, his legs shaking like hell, ready to break down in every moment. Dawson came near him to comfort him, but he didn't pay any attention to her. She put her eyes on Hermann.

"What happened inside?", she asked.

Hermann opened his mouth, ready to answer, but no words came out. He didn't know how to describe the scene and the feelings that were running through his mind. He just closed his eyes a moment, in shock but finally realizing what happened in this building, in front of him. A child was dead and they couldn't help him. It could have been one of his children inside. His stomach knotted. He turned his head to his lieutenant, still in shock, climbing into his truck and ready to go.


	2. Return to reality

good evening everyone!

I am very happy to share this new chapter. I didn't updated for a month and I'm sorry: I need time to write, to correct by myself, to have someone who's correcting me (Thank you sooooooooo much!). I hope you don't mind! If you could let a review when you leave, it will be really very nice :)

Thank you very much and BONNE LECTURE!

* * *

 _ **Previously, on the last chapter**_

 _ **On a call, everybody entered a burning building. After rescuing a dozen of people, Matt and Hermann rescued a woman who told them her son was still inside. They entered the apartment, and saw this little boy. But there was a backdraft, and** **they saw her five year old kid being killed by flames. This affected very hardly Casey.**_

 _ **And now, the next chapter...**_

* * *

 **Chapter 2: Return to reality**

Arriving at the firehouse, Casey locked himself in his office, closed the blinds and locked the door. He didn't want to be disturbed by his men or anyone, he just wanted to think about what he had seen. He collapsed on his bed, laying on his stomach, head and arms under the pillow. He saw this picture again and again in his head, this poor four year old kid being killed by the flames. Soon, these images changed and those of Andy, his best friend, took the place. Andy Darden died in much the same way than this child. This was burning him from the inside. He closed his eyes, thinking that sleeping would allow him to forget but couldn't. He moved constantly, tossed and turned.

Meanwhile, all firefighters gathered in the common room around Hermann. He was trying to put words on what he had seen.

"We had rescued this woman and, and she explained that her son was still inside. So uh... Casey and I entered and, and we saw him standing up, paralyzed by fear, and he was looking at us. Casey was ready to jump on him, to protect him and get down to the ground to avoid him to... To inhale too much smoke and uh... And there was t-this... Backdraft. I just had time to scream 'Casey, get down!' I threw myself to the ground and he turned to me and...and when he saw these flames he did the same but... But we didn't think about this child, we... We just threw ourselves to the ground and... And we watched the flames encircle him and kill him".

With these last words, he swallowed his saliva. "kill him". He and Casey let him die, watched him agonising.

"And... And the worse, it's that... That this child... He was what, four years old? And he looked us, he didn't cry, he didn't scream, he... He just stayed here, without a noise and we... We couldn't do anything... It could have been one of mine inside..."

"Hermann", the chief began. "You did what you had to do to survive. This child is dead, but it couldn't have changed anything if you had rescued him. Or maybe yeah: you and Casey will be dead to save him".

"Yeah but at least, we would have had a clear mind, chief".

Boden stood straight, ready to fight Hermann and hit him for what he said.

"I mean... We have to rescue people and save them... But instead of this, we... We watch them die?"

Dawson understood the situation, understood why Hermann had reacted like this. It was his paternal thinking. Not the firefighter. And she knew Casey enough to know what was happening in his mind.

"I'll talk to Casey".

"No", Severide interrupted.

Gabby locked her gaze on him and gave him the look.

"He is still in shock, he will just say he's fine".

"Kelly, you know Matt, if he's already in his world, nobody won't get him out. And when he's like this, everything can happen, especially the worse".

"I know, but hurrying him now will enclose him into his world, further and faster, out of reach. If it's not the case after what the mother did to him".

"We have to understand her, she just lost her child. I think anybody would have reacted like this".

Everybody were right. But there was one thing that nobody knew, and both Kelly and Gabby knew.

"There is one more thing: contrary to what we all may think, the most sensitive of us, it's Matt. He doesn't show it as he leads a team, but each call has an impact on his behavior. The more the call is risky, important and emotionally violent, the more he will suffer".

"Severide, don't be stupid! He is always here to help us, physically and mentally when he saw that the call was rude!"

"He cares about you yeah! But what about you? Do you care about him in this kind of case? Don't you think he might be hurt by these calls? He sees the same things than you, and if you're hurt, he's too".

"Matt is a leader", Gabby continued. "He would never admit that he isn't going well, for him it's a weakness. Even if we push him to talk to us, in such cases, he puts those memories and himself in a world in which Kelly and I don't even have access. And if he is in this world, then it's over. He was for Andy, he was for Hallie, he was when he had his head injury. And each time, his behavior has changed".

* * *

Casey woke up, jumping up on his bed, a cold sweat flowing heavily on his face. He was seeing himself lying to the ground of this burning apartment, looking this little boy afraid and consumed by flames. And at the end, images from the death of Andy came and replaced those from this little boy. His breathing was shallow, he was struggling to take a deep breath. He sat on the edge of his bed, putting his feet to the ground as to return to reality, and closed his eyes. Without wanting it, he let escape a tear, a tear that mixed with the sweat that was still coming down his face. But he reopened them soon after because of the images that were still continuing to invade his mind. He laid down again a little, his lost gaze locked on the ceiling. He was asking himself what was the time, so he looked at his watch. It was 11 A.M., just five minutes of sleep. He sighed deeply, tired of this so few sleep and so much uncomfort. He really needed to shower. Hurriedly, he grabbed some fresh clothes, his bath stuffs and made his way to the shower while taking attention to avoid the other firefighters of the firehouse. He threw his change on the ground, put his clothes off and entered the shower, then let flowing the warm water while closing his eyes. He put one of his hand on the wall, as to maintain his balance and slided to the ground, clutching his arms around his legs, his legs against his chest and his head on his arms. Without thinking about it, he had returned to his dream world. Or his nightmare world. Nobody could know.

* * *

The only one who noticed something was Kelly. He knew Matt well: if he wasn't on the common room, then he was doing his paperworks, and if his office had closed curtains and a closed door, then he didn't want to be bothered. And after what had happened, according to Hermann, Matt shouldn't be alone. Kelly was right: Casey was one of the most sensitive firefighter of Chicago. But as he was leading a team, he made sure to not show it, he listened to his men when something was wrong. But who was listening to him? Who was ready to listen to make him feel better? Kelly Severide approached the door of Matt's office, knocked slightly and tried to enter. He thought of finding a closed door, but was surprised to enter. ''Maybe he forgot to lock the door'' he thought, worried. But inside, nobody. His bed was a mess, so he slept, or at least he tried or he laid down. His bath stuff wasn't there anymore. The shower. With a worried expression, he took the way to the locker room to reach the shower. He met Hermann who had had the same idea as Matt: shower. Kelly stopped Hermann who frowned.

"A problem Severide?"

Severide bit his lips and thought.

"Don't know yet. Casey is in the shower, his sheets are messy and his blinds are closed".

Hermann knew his lieutenant well, he formed him as a candidate in this firehouse. He knew what it meant, its importance and its worry with this.

"You know what that means right?"

"Yeah. No choice. I know you want to do the same thing, and I won't stop you, but can you tell Boden about it for me?"

"No problem. Good luck with Casey".

Kelly tried to smile even if he didn't want to. He waited to see Hermann leaving the room to come to the shower. The first information he had had was that Matt was indeed in one of the shower. The second information was that the warm water was flowing hardly because there were condensation and hot smoke that invaded the space. The third information was the dirty clothes near the shower. Kelly still approached and stopped in front of the shower. He took his fresh clothes and his towel to put them on the dresser, took his dirty one to put them on the washer. Once done, he faced again the shower where Matt was. He didn't hear a sound apart the water. And it worried him.

"Matt?"

But no answer came to his ears. He continued to call him during a long minute, then thought to open the curtains when he still didn't have an answer.  
On the other side of the firehouse, Hermann was searching for his chief. He was also worried about his lieutenant. So he came to his office, passing Casey's, looking inside at the messy bed and the closed blinds, then he knocked the door, looking inside at the chief. He signed to enter, so he did.

"May I help you, Hermann?"

"Uh, yeah. I'm here for Severide. And me. It's Casey".

Boden's face changed suddenly.

"What is it?"

This voice... He was also worried as hell.

"He's in the shower, his bed is a mess, blinds closed. Something's off. And after what happened in this structure fire..."

"I'm going to stop you right now".

Hermann closed his mouth while Boden sighed deeply.

"You are worry about Casey?"

"Yes chief, I'm worry".

He stood up, as if he was angry, faced Hermann and sat on his desk.

"You know him since his final test at the fire Academy, so around... Fifteen years? And you're just worry about him just now?!"

Boden was dealing with anger and astonishment. How his men could be worry just now, and weren't worried before? When Hallie died, or when Andy died? When he and Dawson lost their baby? When he had his head injury? Hermann didn't were to go to feel better.

"Help! I need some help here!"

Boden and Hermann jumped up and turned toward the office door. This was Severide's voice. Without hesitating despite the fact they hadn't finished their conservation, they took the road to the shower-room.

* * *

 **What will happen next: you will find out why Kelly "need[s] some help (in the shower-room)". I can't tell you more!**


	3. Out of control

Hello everbody! I hope this will be a good sunday for you, because here in France, we have a storm. So I translated another chapter, and my beta corrected me (almost no mistakes!). I'm very proud, I have to say it!

So now, I hope you will enjoy and let me a review about what you're thinking about it.

Ranime Redfield: because you translated the french part ot know what happens next, I won't update the french part. It's your punition! French people: blame her (haha)

* * *

 _ **Previously, on the last chapter**_

 ** _The firefighters returned to the firehouse and Hermann explained what happened inside the building with the little boy. Casey, as usual, is dealing with this alone and tried to get some sleep to forget but he couldn't. So he went to the shower room to grab a shower. Only Kelly saw that something was off with him and asked Hermann to warn chief Boden. But a cry came from the shower room: Kelly 'needs some help'..._**

 ** _And now, the next chapter..._**

* * *

 **Chapter 3: Out of control**

In the shower-room, Kelly had opened the curtains very slowly, letting appear an unrecognizable Matt in a fetal position, his head in his arms. Kelly had never seen his best friend in this shape. He entered slightly to turn off the water, but it wasn't the case for Matt: once the water off, he stood up suddenly and ran on Kelly without preventing, his eyes dark of anger. He took Kelly at his neck, tightening more and more, avoiding Kelly to breathe.

"Matt... It's me. Matt..."

But it was just a whisper hidden by cries of anger coming from Matt. Kelly closed his eyes, he had to think about what he had to do: what he knew was that he had to free himself, because of the tighter and tighter squeeze. He tried to get his hands off his neck, but Matt hit him at his chest strongly, and he let escape a cry of pain. Kelly didn't have another choice: he had to hit Matt, at least to call for help. He hit Matt at his chest as he did, finally releasing his grip. But what he hadn't expected was that Matt lost his balance and fell behind. In his momentum, he fell to the floor, banging his head against the edge of the shower and losing consciousness. Without waiting, he rushed at Matt for at least put a towel on him, then turned his head to one of the two doors.

"Help! I need some help here!"

He focused again on an unconscious Matt. Instinctively, he placed two fingers at his neck, on his carotid. Almost immediately, a few firefighters arrived.

"Oh my God! What happened?"

"I-I... I don't know, h-he..."

Chili and Brett came too, rushing on Casey, followed by Dawson. There was now blood flowing on the floor.

"H-he threw himself on me and... And he grabbed my neck. I-I... I just wanted to hit him in his ribs to get myself free and ask for help b-but... But he lost his balance and his head hit the floor of the shower".

Brett had left to go to the ambulance and bring what to treat Matt while the chief and Hermann arrived.

"What is happening here?"

Everyone turned to Boden, letting him see Casey on the ground, unconscious and the ground becoming red. He looked up slightly at Kelly.

"Severide?"

"He threw himself on me, and..."

"Casey lost his balance and his head hit the corner of the shower", Chili explained, defending Kelly at the same occasion.

Brett came with the material needed, so Chili and her could treat Matt correctly.

"We should take him to the hospital. With his medical history, we'd better be careful", Gabby told.

"What medical history?"

"Skull fracture and epidural hematoma, two years ago. And the injury he has right now is situated almost in the same place".

Chili turned to the chief, who nodded, giving his permission to take Casey to the nearest hospital.

"Okay, let's be careful. Put a neck brace on him, and place an IV and bring him to Chicago Med".

Gabby and Kelly helped Chili and Brett and let them take him to the ambulance. Kelly grabbed Gabby's arm.

"He... He attacked me when I cut the water from the shower. I don't know what happened, but... But he was not himself, he had eyes filled with anger. And when I wanted to release myself, he hit me in the ribs. I had no choice..."

He closed his eyes, feeling guilty for Matt injuries.

"Hey Kelly".

She put her hand on his arm, squeezing it reassuringly.

"It's not your fault, okay?"

"I hit him back. T-to let go of him, and... And he lost his balance and ... And his head banged really hard the edge of the shower. Gabby, and if it was serious? Uh? You thought about this?"

"Kelly, listen to me. Matt got through much more than that, and he's still alive. Don't worry".

Boden saw the whole scene, from A to Z. No one but Kelly was worried about Casey. It made him sick.

"Listen up. I'll put the firehouse on standby for around an hour, the time to go to Chicago Med and see how's Casey. And then, we will come back to work. Understood?"

Everyone nodded, came in their respective truck and headed for the hospital. Once there, they invaded the waiting room, leaving Boden asking for some news at the reception. Brett and Chili came from the exam room to the waiting room with their stretcher.

"So?"

"Will and Connor will run tests, but he hasn't regained consciousness".

The concern grew on Kelly. And Gabby began to be worried. The fact that Matt had still not regained consciousness meant that there was at least a moderate concussion. If it wasn't worse. Almost an hour passed without news on Matt. Gabby and Kelly were more worried, others waiting quietly in their chairs. They saw clearly that except the chief, nobody was really worried. Kelly broke.

"You're not even worried!"

He made everyone startle. Suddenly, a dozen pairs of eyes fell on him.

"Casey is a tough guy Severide".

"He's as human as us! Stop believing that he's Superman!"

"Kelly..."

"No chief!" he cried. "Nobody cares for Casey when he goes wrong! Nobody has ever cared for him, and here what is happening now! He's breaking up, and nobody sees it!"

"Kelly..."

"WHAT?!"

Gabby jerked. Fear had won. She knew he was right, and he was angry, which was legitimate. He sighed, closing his eyes.

"Sorry".

"No Kelly, it's me. I'm worried too. But I think we need to be there for him now. He needs to understand that he can talk to us, that he's not alone and can share his feelings".

He nodded, feigning a smile.

"Maybe he doesn't want to talk to us. We talk about Matt, don't forget it".

"And chaplain Orlovsky? He'll talk to him right?"

Kelly opened his mouth but no sound came out. Not immediately.

"It would be a good idea".

"I'll call him".

Gabby grabbed her cell phone and called the chaplain so he could come ASAP to Chicago Med, then returned to the other firefighters.

"He will arrive in a few minutes".

Meanwhile, Will Halstead appeared in front of them, holding a folder in his hands. Kelly and Gabby rushed upon him.

"How is Matt?"

His mouth open, he closed it almost immediately, not knowing what to say.

"He... He opened his head by falling, and exams show that his skull is cracked again. But he has no other neurological symptoms. Everything should be back to normal soon. However we headed him up to the ICU, to keep an eye on him".

"He... He explained what had happened?"

Will didn't speak for several seconds.

"That's why we took him to the ICU: he still shows no signs of awakening".

"What? What do you mean?"

Gabby shook her head as if she didn't understand what was happening.

"Matt hasn't regained consciousness. And we prefer to keep an eye on his vitals to see their evolution, rerun exams if necessary".

"Can... Can we see him?"

"I can take you there, but not more than two at a time. You know the rule", Will said, trying a brief smile.

Boden glanced at Kelly and Gabby. It was them who had to go and see. The others had to get back to work.

"I leave you free for this shift. Stay with Casey, he's going to need you on his awakening".

"Thank you, Chief".

All the firefighters left except Gabby and Kelly. Will accompanied the in the ICU before being taken into Matt's room by one of the nurses. Opening the door, a sound came to their ears, a sound they were trying to forget after all those round trips in hospitals: the heart monitor. It was attached to Matt's chest, beeping at a steady rhythm, weak but at least steady. He had an oximeter at the end of a finger, and a three-way IV was open.

"What is it? These three things?" Kelly asked curious and worried.

"Two are there to keep him hydrated. And the third contains essential nutrients for his body. I don't know if Dr. Halstead told you, but his blood tests show a slight anemia and slight malnutrition".

Kelly looked down at the nurse, amazed and almost angry.

"But he... He eats every morning, lunch and dinner!"

"Maybe, but probably not enough, or not enough balanced".

"We are firefighters, balanced eating is known!"

"If he's going through a difficult period, then his body needs more nutrients and elements to work properly. If he eats as usual, this can unbalance the bodily functioning".

Kelly thought about all this, about Matt's entire life. Everything had been so difficult for him, always a problem. First his father and then Andy, Hallie, and then the baby... He had lost so much, without asking for help, no one really pays attention on him. And now there was this child that he hadn't been able to save, the reaction of the mother to him. Everything had to mix in his head, he would probably be lost, not knowing what to do. Eventually cracking.

"He... He was always in a difficult period. But we didn't listen because he didn't speak. He has to speak now".

"Only you can do that. You are his best friends".

"I'm his big brother".

"And I am his wife", Gabby replied right after Kelly.

Even if they weren't actually married, in their hearts, they were. No need to be married. And if they really were, then she would leave the truck 81 and she wouldn't leave Matt. So they had given up on their wedding.

"I see. I am going to leave you. I'll be right back every hour. If he wakes up in the meantime or something is happening, press the button, okay?"

Gabby nodded, and the nurse went out, leaving them alone with Matt in this room.

* * *

This was a day that Matt had been admitted to hospital, and he had not regained consciousness. This greatly worried Gabby and Kelly who hadn't moved since their arrival in the room. The doctors had already rerun the tests twice, and nothing indicated a head injury or any coma. Nothing explained his condition, and he didn't know why he didn't wake up, he didn't move, staying there motionless in this bed. Earlier in the day, a nurse came to put Matt on a catheter so he could urinate properly, but it had still not produced anything.

"At least his vitals are coming up. This is a good thing", this same nurse had said, trying to make Gabby and Kelly smile.

And it was true: his heart rate had increased, as his blood pressure. Everything indicated that he was better, but he didn't wake up. And that wasn't enough to reassure Kelly. He was still worried, even more than before: for him, he put Matt in that state, he had beaten Matt and made him lose his balance. He had strangulation marks around his neck, those from Matt. It was slightly swollen, red or blue in some places with the marks of his fingers. And his ribs were still sore, revealing a blue mass on the left side of his chest, a sign of strength that Matt had placed to hit.

"Maybe he doesn't want to just talk to us and he keeps his eyes closed. There is necessarily an explanation".

"Kelly... He would never let someone put him on the catheter, far from it. And they still would have seen him move unconsciously, you do it when you wake up".

"Then what? He's in a coma? Is that it?"

Gabby sighed deeply, closing her eyes and shrugging, almost depressed.

"I don't know... I don't really know", she whispered.

She ran her hands through her hair, then took Matt's hand. She caressed it, being careful of the IV and the oximeter. She tried to separate the whole situation.

"I just want him to wake up and tell me what's wrong. Tell us that he needs help".

But Matt didn't move. Even reflexively. Will entered the room again to determine for the fifteenth time his GCS: he tested all the possible and unimaginable reflexes and in the end, he had again and again, for the fifth time in a row, a GCS calculated to 8. And in the EEG, nothing indicated a coma, even a slight one. Nobody understood.

"Maybe he is too tired and he's resting. After all that happened, it wouldn't surprise me", Will tried to reassure them, wanting an explanation.

He left, leaving them alone again with Matt. Kelly and Gabby thought about everything he had experienced in his life, again: the death of his father due to his mother and suddenly, the loss of his mother, the loss of his sister because she didn't think like him about their mother, the death of Andy who he saw die in this fire, the story with Voight which almost ended badly, the death of Hallie who he had tried to revive her in vain, his head injury that could have killed him, the death of Shay that has impacted indirectly, Kelly's injury who Will had wanted to black to, the death of Katya that had deeply traumatized him because it took place in front of him, the death of his child that he should have had with Gabby, and that one of this child whose death looked like hell of Andy's. He had lost so much, and didn't break down in appearance.

"He cracked. Once, at least. When Hallie died, before taking a month off. It's the only time I saw him being... Different".

"Different? Just... Different?" Kelly asked, raising his eyebrows.

"He was totally the opposite of what he showed at the firehouse in front of his men and chief Boden. His apartment was a mess and he was totally destroyed. It wasn't Matt, as I said, totally the opposite of the one we know".

Kelly didn't know that, he wasn't aware and had never been. He just knew that Matt wanted to take a vacation, a month off, the time to mourn of Hallie, or at least take the point of his life.

"He never talked about it. To nobody. Not even me, only you because you have seen him like this".

"And he will probably never talk about it, and you know him well: Matt is a leader. Showing his fragility is avoided for him, it's a weakness. And the guys in the firehouse don't seem to understand, or at least be concerned. Matt is always there for us, for them, but nobody is there for him, no one asks him how he is", she said, stroking Matt's forehead.

But he still didn't move. She had so wanted him to do it, or at least frown. But nothing happened, not even a groan.

"Hey Gabby..."

Kelly approached Gabby and took her free hand tenderly, the other continuing to caress Matt's.

"He will wake up, okay? And when he will be awake, he will speak. Talk to us", he said, insisting to the 'us'.

Seeing that Kelly wasn't kidding, she nodded.

"We need to take a break. At least eat and have coffee".

"I don't want to get out of there. I don't want to leave him alone in this room".

"Gabby... If I have to drag you to the cafeteria through the skin of your butts, I will".

She sighed, watching Kelly from head to toe. He was very serious. And she was hungry.

"Okay, you win. But we tell the nurse where we are, okay?"

Kelly finally smiled and stood up. He tapped lightly Matt's shoulder while Gabby squeezed his hand.

"No prank during our absence! We'll come back as soon as possible".

She also rose, Kelly followed her out of the room and walked to the nurse's office.

"We just wanted to tell you we're leaving the room to eat and drink in the cafeteria. You can watch Matt for us?"

"No problem. We call you if something happens during your absence".

Nurses were familiar with firefighters because they did many journeys to hospital for causes related to their job: burns, pneumothorax, firemen's injuries...

"Thank you".

Gabby forced a smile and then went with Kelly company in the cafeteria. They both took a large coffee and a hot meal. Gabby seemed to think about something, and Kelly saw it.

"Something is bothering you?"

She put down her fork and swallowed what was in her mouth.

"We haven't warned Christie, not even his mother. We should make them aware".

"Let's wait a bit, will you? Twenty-four more hours and if he's still not awakened, we'll prevent them, okay?"

'If he's still not awakened'. This sentence resounded in their head. he really had to wake up, and fast.

* * *

In the room, the nurse went to check that everything was good with Matt. And that was the case, except for the absence of awakening. She was about to leave the room when she heard a noise behind her, like a moan. She turned and saw that his patient was moving slightly in bed. So she approached the bed again: Matt was waking up. He had a terrible headache. He felt that someone was tearing it and a hammer was banging inside his brain. He heard so many different sounds and sound levels multiplied by one hundred, resonating that he simply wanted to return in this world where he was a few seconds earlier, that one without any noise, that one without anything. He felt something small on his chest, another one on his arm and was going inside of his skin and another at his left index finger that was bothering him. He also felt a discomfort in the lower abdomen, which was heavy and was pressing, and therefore was hurting him.

"Sir? Sir, do you hear me?"

Someone forced his eyes open to blind him with a penlight. He tried to fight against these fingers that invaded him and touched him almost everywhere. But he couldn't fight.

"Can you open your eyes for me?"

He tried, but he was too weak to do it. He felt himself to go to this quiet world, feeling his discomfort go away too...

* * *

Gabby and Kelly had finally finished eating and drinking their coffee, and was about to return near Matt for sure.

"We go back?"

"Yeah. And this time, we have to trust him. He will wake up today", Gabby stated.

Gabby made Kelly smile, who tapped her left shoulder.

"I like when you're optimistic like that!"

He took her hand and led her through the hallways to get into Matt's room, always located in ICU. Once there, they were welcomed by the nurse who prevented them from entering the room.

"There's a problem?" Gabby asked, worried.

The nurse smiled.

"He's waking up!"

Gabby and Kelly opened their mouth but no sound came out.

"During your absence, I took his vitals. And when I was leaving the room, he growled a little. He isn't responding to the voice, or was too weak to do it. And more good news, he began to urinate".

"And uh... It's really a good thing?" Kelly asked, not understanding medicine.

"A very good even", announced honestly the nurse. "It means that his body started to work again normally. For now, the doctor is running some tests to know how he is, and in a few minutes, you can come back near him".

The nurse smiled again while Kelly took Gabby in her arms and pressed her against him. She sighed and let out a tear of relief.

"Hey Gabby... Don't cry".

He put the distance between them to wipe the tears streaming down her face.

"I... I-I'm just glad. Do I have to call the chaplain?"

"No... No, not yet. Let's give him time to regain his mind and... And then we'll see".

Gabby blocked her eyes on Kelly's.

"You're right".

He was interrupted by the doctor who was leaving the room. Immediately, he was assaulted by them.

"How is he?" they said simultaneously, making the doctor laugh.

"He's not fully conscious, he hasn't opened his eyes, but he clearly shows signs of consciousness. His body almost works correctly again and I think that within a few hours he will have opened my eyes. But this is only my personal opinion, not my medical one".

"And your medical opinion?" Gabby asked.

"What I am sure of is that he will wake up. But I don't know when. Probably by tomorrow, hopefully".

* * *

 **What will happen next: Matt's doctor (Dr. Moren) will want to know more about Matt and will ask Gabby and Kelly for some answers.**


	4. Not here anymore

Hey there! So I wanted to translate this one without any help (at least I tried!) so I don't know if I wrote something wrong or not (I hope not :D). Please, let me a review about what you think of this chapter :)

* * *

 ** _Previously, on the last chapter_**

 ** _Matt strangled Kelly, and the latter had to punch his best friend, but Matt fell and lost consciousness. For two days, he lay in a bed motionless. Gabby and Kelly understood that nobody had cared about him, about his feelings, or had dared to talk to him, and this last call broke him. But now, Matt is waking up... What will happen?_**

 ** _And now, the next chapter..._**

* * *

 **Chapter 4: Not here anymore**

Pain was lacerating the back of his skull. Severe pain that didn't want to go away or fade. All he wanted right here right now was to return in this black and painless world. The one where he dreamed, or at least thought about nothing.

"Matt? Matt?"

Without noticing or wanting to, he had opened his eyes, looking at this white ceiling without focussing. His vision was blurred, the light was blinding him and was giving him a headache, but he didn't care. He stood there not moving, staring at the ceiling, lost.

"Matt, you hear me? Matt?"

Deep down, he knew this voice. It was the voice of his best friend. The one he had tried to strangle. Looking back and reviewing these images, he swallowed his saliva nervously. He felt his heart beating faster, his breathing becoming shallow. All the images returned to him at the same time. Those from his past, those that had just occurred. Well, from what he remembered and believed. He closed his eyes slowly, shame, not wanting to talk to anyone, just wanting to sleep in peace. Back in his innerworld. Meanwhile, Gabby had pressed the nurse button and she still hadn't talked, shocked to see Matt awake after two days of anguish. Finally. The door opened almost silently, and one of the nurses came to them and the bed where Matt was standing motionless.

"There's a problem?" she asked.

"He oepened his eyes but... But he closed them again almost immediately", Kelly explained.

She narrowed her blue eyes a little, surprised and doubtless worried. She moved closer to take his vitals, taking care to not make any mistake.

"So?" Kelly insisted, on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

"So your friend is still awake while we're talking".

She turned back to Matt and put one of her hands on his right forearm.

"Sir, can you hear me? You are in hospital, you can open your eyes for me?"

But Matt didn't want or couldn't. Or could't anymore. He knew he was in a hospital bed because he felt and heard the heart monitor on his chest as well as the IV on his left arm. However, he just had the confirmation. Immediately after, his mind was flooded with bad images: those with Hallie, doing her job as a doctor in Lakeshore and dying in his arms, those of his friend Kelly being seriously injured, his own from his head injury... So many images he had placed in a corner of his head so he could forget them, but he couldn't handle them anymore. He felt that his body weighed a ton. His heart rate continued to rise, his breathing became more and more superficial. He could feel the sweat now invading his forehead and trickling down his face. A cold sweat, almost icy. Until the heart monitor rang and it made him even more panic. It was stronger than him.

"He has a panic attack", the nurse announced.

She pressed the emergency button located below the nurse button, calling for other nurses and the appropriate cdoctor to come and help. One of them injected a dose of haldol in his IV, calming him down almost instantly.

"I need you to leave the room for a moment, the time to run some tests", Matt's doctor, who just arrived, explained.

"More tests? Again?"

The doctor gave them a look of insistence. Not wanting to put him in a bad mood, they stood up and left the room, looking Matt one last time before the door and blinds close.

"Why did he freak out like that? We know he hates hospitals, but not at this point", Kelly remarked.

"I don't know. Maybe you're right and... And what he saw in that fire and what this woman did and said was THE straw that broke the camel. He endured so much these past few years so he may have reached his breaking point. I don't know".

"In any case I've never seen him like that".

"Mee neither".

Gabby stuck to Kelly who embraced her with his arms, trying to comfort her as he could. He kissed her on her forehead and then pressed his head against hers.

"We have to be there for him. We didn't see what he saw, but we are his friends. He has to open to us, we can help him deal with it".

At the same time, the doctor came out of the room and faced the two friends.

"Can I talk to you for a few minutes? In my office?"

"Uh yes. But first, how is Matt?" Kelly asked.

"This is what I want to talk to you".

Gabby's heart sank. It meant that something was not as it should. She grabbed Kelly's hand and squeezed it, he also did when he felt the pressure it exerted on his as he nodded. The doctor motioned them to follow her down the hall to her office. Arrived, she motioned for them to sit on the chairs as she sat behind her desk, facing Gabby and Kelly. She cleared her throat.

"His physical shape isn't concerning me at all. He took his time to wake up but his body was exhausted when he was admitted".

"So... All good?"

The doctor, called Helena Moren, started to shake her head from side to side.

"No. I said his physical shape isn't concerning me. It's more his mental shape".

Gabby and Kelly oepened their mouth almost at the same time, but they were unable to talk or make a sound.

"Have you seen a... A change of behavior these last few days? I mean before his admission".

"Our last call had been a bit... Rude and hard".

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Matt and his coworker Hermann tried to save a five year old kid. But they had to throw themselves to the ground to not be killed because of a backdraft, and they saw this little kid die and they couldn't do anything. And since then..."

"Since then, your friend isn't the same. I see. When it happened?"

"I'll say... Two hours before being admitted?" Kelly confirmed.

"And there had been no warning?"

"Matt is very secret", began Gabby before Kelly could speak again. "He is leading a team and he doesn't show how he can be affected by a call. He is always there for us, but nobody asked how he was or if he needed help".

"And if you ask him how he is, he says he's fine and sinks even more into his inner world", Kelly continued.

"So, since you know him... He is always alone to face a situation?"

"We try to be there most of the time, and let him to come to us. But he never came. He came once and I could see that this is absolutely not his style".

Kelly tapped lightly Gabby's shoulder to make her turn to him.

"When?"

"The crackhouse fire. He thought of losing me and I had to change my gear. He came at Molly's to tell me what had happened with Katya and he never wanted to let me get out of his life again".

"Katya? Who is Katya?" the doctor asked.

"Matt was working undercover in a strip club. The owner wanted some renovations, which Matt did, but the owner also did some human trafficking. There has been a stripper, Katya, who wanted to help Matt to break down this traffic. She died in his arms, taking a bullet in her chest".

"And it was?"

"Mid-october. He was pretty shaken, but he has never wanted to talk about it", Kelly explained.

"He did to me".

Gabby surprised everyone, especially Kelly.

"He talked to you?!"

"At Molly's. He said that the guy had put a gun to his temple to have Katya's notebook. So he took them into the renovated room, he had to grab the gun, shoot the one who had the gun and hit this son of a bitch of nesbitt on his face to not be killed".

Kelly was seized with a chill that ran through his spine and spread throughout his body. Just thinking about it, he was in this shape, so living it... He felt bad for Matt.

"There's something else I should know to determine his mental state?"

"You want to know what we know? Everything?"

"It would help me to understand yes".

Kelly and Gabby looked each other. They knew that Matt would never talk about it, and that it was them who had to do it.

"Well... During his childhood, his father morally violented him. At first it was only his mother, but then it spilled on him. We know absolutely no details, but it must have been violent enough for his mother to kill his father".

"Oh..."

"As I was saying we don't know the details, but what I know is that Matt and his sister have always opposed when it came their mother's liberation. Matt wanted it, not Christie. And after fifteen years, she came out of jail. That was about three years ago".

"Okay, so that's the first trauma?"

"I think so. Well, I don't know he's very musty when it comes to talk about himself", Gabby continued.

"What I know is that this period of his life is a taboo subject. The last who dared to talk about it, it was at the firefighters Academy and he took a nice punch in the face".

"So this is a topic not discussed".

Kelly and Gabby nodded, feeling uncomfortable to talk about Matt's life like this.

"I assume there are other parts of his life that he didn't want to mention?"

"Over three years ago, we were three firefighters. There were Matt, Andy and me. Andy was on Matt's team, and I led my team. And... And... And we had to vent and Andy went into the building while Matt had said no. Matt... Matt saw him die devoured by flames. We have taken a long time to recover and we spent our time to blame each other".

"It was just a friend?"

"Matt is the godfather of his two children. He had custody for them for about two months", Gabby started. "And he was also like a brother to Matt. They knew each other since the Academy".

"As I understand... Andy? He died in much the same way that this child, isn't it?"

Kelly and Gabby didn't know what to say. They didn't really know, but from what Hermann had said, it was the case.

"I think so".

"Okay... I need to know something else?"

"Let's say that... We don't feel legitimate to talk about that. Of course. There are other things".

"I know it doesn't please you. You think you're betraying Matt, I can understand that. But tell yourself that you are doing this to help him, to help us look after him properly".

"How this will help you how to treat him?"

"It may allow us to know what we have to do. I will explain at the end, but for now I need to know what's in his head".

Gabby and Kelly sighed, including the physician in her approach, but that couldn't help themselves to forget that they were talking about Matt's life without his agreement with someone he didn't even know or meet.

"Less than a year ago, after the death of Andy, his fiancee died in another fire. Matt and I came to free her, but... But she was already dead when we arrived. Her death was confirmed here in Chicago Med".

"He tried to revive her the time between the place of intervention and the hospital. But it didn't work. When he was in the firehouse, he didn't seem to be affected. But... But at home, it was completely the opposite. Everything was messy and he fell into depression. He took a month off, away from Chicago to mourn of Hallie".

"Hallie? It's his fiancee, right?"

"Yes. They had been together for nine years".

"When I lost my best friend and roommate, Matt made me realize that the firehouse was there for me. He told me that he always had the feeling that Hallie was going to land at the firehouse and told him that it was a joke, or he was going to see her in a supermarket. And he liked that feeling, it allowed him to live".

Gabby wasn't surprised, but she wanted to know this before today, from Matt.

"And he had his head injury. He saved this baby in a structure fire and when he was almost out, he took a metal beam on the base of his neck. His skull fractured and he had an epidural hematoma".

"Yes I could see an old head injury, maybe two years ago?"

"About yeah".

"Okay so... These are the main events and these are all events that were potentially traumatic for him?"

"The main".

"So I resume chronologically: his father mentally abused him to the point that his mother killed his father, his best friend Andy died in front of his eyes, his mother got out of jail after fifteen years, his fiancee died in front of his eyes, he had his head injury and then the little boy he couldn't save and who died in front of him".

"Maybe that..."

Gabby paused, not knowing if for Matt, it was traumatic or not.

"Yes?" Dr. Moren insisted.

"I don't know if that played a lot but... When there was this explosion in the ER, Kelly was seriously injured, and Matt had to handle this crisis and all. This had particularly shaken us so I assume that Matt too".

"I understand. I think I know what it's happening. From what you told me about his life and his behavior".

Kelly and Gabby swallowed their saliva, waiting for the doctor's diagnosis.

* * *

 **What will happen next:** **Dr. Moren will explain what is happening with Matt, and Kelly, Gabby and Matt will have a talk, but nothing will happen as expected.**


	5. The diagnosis

Hello everyone! So I'm glad to share a new chapter with you and I hope you still like this story! As I told you at the end of the last chapter, Dr. Moren has the diagnosis and will expose it to Gabby and Kelly.

Please, let me a review so I can see if you like it or not! And maybe rewrite some things if I see you won't like it etc.

Enjoy :-D

* * *

 _ **Previously, on the last chapter...**_

 _ **Matt woke up, but he panicked when he felt that he was in a hospital bed. Kelly and Gabby had to explain Matt's entire life to Dr. Moren (his doctor), so that she could have the right diagnosis.**_

 _ **And now, the next chapter...**_

* * *

 **Chapter 5: The diagnosis**

"So? What is it?" Kelly asked, worried and impatient.

The doctor looked at them and sighed, putting her hands on the desk.

"I think that Matt is undergoing the effects of his life. I mean by this that everything he had repressed until now is coming out, is exploding".

"You... You mean uh... That he has no longer control?"

"It is quite possible, yes. What he saw and experienced during the last intervention was the straw, the too much shock. Each shock was cracking his shell, but now it is destroyed, he is bare. This is why he's reacting like that".

"Like that? He strangled me and hit me in the ribs with all his strength! I was forced to do the same thing to not be strangled and look what happened! He is in a hospital bed right now, unconscious for really two days!"

"I know you blame yourself for what happened, and this is understandable. But Matt wasn't in his normal shape. I think that at that time, he was delirious, seeing all those dead people around him".

Gabby bit her lower lip. She thought of something.

"That would explain his lethargic mood..."

Dr. Moren leaned slightly her head and frowned.

"What do you mean?"

Gabby shook her head slowly and faced the doctor.

"Uh... After... When Matt came out of the building, he was no longer himself. He... He was really shocked and... And the mother fell on him. He used to speak in such a situation, but this time... He couldn't even formulate one sentence".

"And when the woman realized what was happening, what had happened, she slapped Matt", Kelly continued. "It was a heavy blow for him I think. And since then, he hasn't uttered a word. He laid on his bed in the dark, and went to shower. After a rather tough call, he takes a shower, and it's rare".

"So... You went to see him?" the doctor asked.

"I went indeed. I know Matt, I know how he works. It's very rare for him to do that, but when he does, it means that he needs to have someone at his side. Firehouse 51 is a big family: we care about each other. Even if..."

There was a blank for several seconds. Kelly felt his stomach begin to tense up.

"Even if ?"

"Uh..."

He even had the right to say that...?

"We often forget Matt", Gabby said when she saw what Kelly wanted to say but did not dare to say a word. "I mean... He is the one who talk to us when something went wrong. But... But we don't think one moment at the fact that he also could feel bad. He can feel bad. Others have trouble understanding it. Matt is as human as us, and he is even more sensitive than us to deal with tragedies. He just has a defense system... More sophisticated than ours".

"If you know your friend, tell me how he works in these cases".

Kelly bit his lips. He had no right to reveal how Matt worked. It was his greatest defense.

"I can't. I am sorry. This defense system is... The fact that he's holding up. If someone manages to bring down his last defense, then Matt will sink. And if he does, no one would stop him".

Dr. Moren understood Kelly's point of vue. After all, he wanted to protect his best friend. But she had to break his defenses to help him get better.

"Fair enough. I will call Dr. Charles in this case. If we don't drop his defenses, we can't help him. And if we can't help him, then his shape will be permanent. So either you tell me how to break his defenses down, or... Or it's Dr. Charles who will do it".

Kelly sighed and turned to Gabby. Her face was full of anxiety, fear, sadness. But she waved at him almost imperceptibly.

"You sure about this Gabby?"

"No", she said after several seconds of reflection.

Kelly sighed again and turned back to the doctor.

"Okay. I will reveal just a hint because I don't want to betray him. Try hypnosis, to 'program' him and talk to him in this state".

Kelly got up and left the room, followed closely by Gabby. He was in the hallway, motionless. Gabby stood in front of him and took his forearms.

"Did we do something wrong? Trust these... Dr. Moren and Dr. Charles?"

Gabby tightened him into a hug.

"We have to, Kelly. Matt needs help and we can't handle this by ourselves".

After several seconds thinking, he closed his eyes and nodded.

"What if... If it doesn't work? If... He is sinking more into his inner world? We know Matt better than anyone else, we know how he works. Not them", he said, pointing to the wooden door behind him.

Gabby understood perfectly what his friend meant. How could they help Matt by knowing anything about him?

"I understand what you mean, but if there's one thing we haven't tried, it's to let them help him".

Kelly was very reluctant to this idea, but he had no choice. He nodded.

"Come on. Let's go see Matt now?"

"Yeah..."

They took the opposite way they took to get there and stopped in front of the door, especially the glass. Inside, there was a brown hair man with a doctor's coat. Will was doing rounds and saw them frozen at the door. He walked towards them, clearing his voice.

"This is Dr. Abrams".

Surprised, Gabby and Kelly turned their head to the right and saw Will also looking out the window.

"And what's his specialty?"

"He's head of neurosurgery".

"What he's doing with Matt? He doesn't need surgery, right?"

"There are many things a neurosurgeon can do. As to do some neurological tests to see if the blow to the head that Matt received let any damage in his brain".

Kelly froze, unable to take a breath. He felt responsible: he had probably hurt his best friend and brother to the point of irreversible damage. Inside the room, Matt's eyes were open, he seemed to talk. Anyway, he moved his lips and faced the doctor. He laid his head back on the pillow behind his back while doctor Abrams got up and walked out of the room. He closed the door behind him.

"How is Matt?", Gabby asked as soon as the doctor had turned.

The doctor jumped a little, not knowing the two persons in front of him.

"You are?"

"We are his best friends".

He raised his head more.

"Ah".

"So?"

He clasped his hands and took a deep breath.

"I just realized a small neurological test to determine which are the damage".

"And?" Kelly asked, swallowing his saliva.

"And he does seem to have no neurological problem. But he seems to be... depressed. I think he must have some psychological problems".

"He's facing a difficult period", Kelly stated.

"I see. I'll make sure that Dr. Charles talks to him. I think he'll need it".

"We can come in and talk to him?"

"You can come in, but... As I said, he seems really depressed. You need to be there for him, okay?"

"It's our intention".

Dr. Abrams left them. Gabby and Kelly entered. Matt was looking outside through the window, probably watching the rain.

"Matt?"

Without another word, Gabby saw that Matt was biting his lower lip. He was biting it so hard that if he continued like this, he was going to bite it until blood. He closed his eyes. Kelly and Gabby could hear him sobbing, almost inaudibly. It broke their heart. Gabby sat near Matt and hugged him as hard as she could. She could feel him shaking like a leaf, as never. She had never seen him like this, not even when Hallie died and she had come at his home to find his apartment in a total mess and him, depressive like hell. Kelly was even more surprised than Gabby. He had never seen his brother in this shape. When he had lost Shay, his roommate he secretly loved, he had lost control, and Matt helped him to get better little by little. But now... He was distraught.

"I'm sorry...", Matt said in a murmur.

"What? No, don't be. Just... You need help. And we'll be there for you. Always".

Eyes still closed, he let himself embrace the woman he loved. The stronger he could. After a few minutes, he pulled himself together to sit straight, looking Kelly.

"I... Did I hurt you?"

"Don't worry about that! I'm not mad at you. You... Reacted, that's all".

Kelly saw that Matt was uncomfortable. He didn't used to speak, to talk about himself.

"Matt, I know it's not you to do that but... But you have to talk to us. Let us help you. You need help, and... And we have to know what you're thinking. If you get locked up, we can't help you".

"I-I... I know... But I always did it on my own, so... Well, you understand".

"We understand Matt, really. But this little space that allows you to forget, it's not there anymore. What happened was the final straw and... And now you're a real sponge feelings".

This metaphor made Matt smile and Kelly laugh.

"I like this expression... A sponge feelings..."

"Matt, look at me", Gabby asked.

He looked at her, seeing the sadness, anxiety and despair on her face.

"I'm not kidding Matt. You need help, and if we want to help you, we need you to tell us what is wrong. You have to talk to us".

"But it's not me! I never talked to anyone, I always managed by myself, without help, without anything! It has always worked".

"But now it doesn't work anymore Matt! You're still locked in your bubble in which Kelly and I don't even have access! Matt you need help, and if we want to do it, don't lock yourself in this inner world!"

"Get out", Matt said firmly.

Gabby opened her mouth in astonishment.

"W-what?"

"I SAID GET OUT!" he said out loud, almost short of breath. "I'm tired, I want to sleep, go and leave me alone now. Out!" he said after a few seconds.

Gabby stood, almost mad and went out crying, slamming the door after her. Kelly stood there a few seconds.

"I SAID GET OUT TO YOU TOO, DIDN'T I?!" he shouted really upset this time. "GET OUT!"

But Kelly stood there, unable to move.

"Y-you... You're not the Matt I know, the Matt I've known".

"This Matt died in this last call. Now get out my room or I'll punch you again in your ribs", he shouted with black angry eyes.

This time, Kelly was able to move. And to show it, he ran away from the room where this body he didn't recognize, was laying. He left the hospital to get some fresh air, to take a deep breath. But he couldn't do it anymore. He collapsed on the floor, on his knees. And he began to cry. This wasn't Matt. They had to do something because Matt was already in his inner world. And he would be soon out of reach.

* * *

 **What will happen next:** **Dr. Charles will finally visit Matt and will talk to him, while Gabby and Kelly will face Will and Dr. Choi in the cafeteria and will talk about Matt and the therapy Dr. Charles will try with him.**


	6. EMDR

Hey everyone! I hope you're still following this story :-)

Here is a new chapter for you, to start this week.

Enjoy!

* * *

 _ **Previously, on the last chapter...**_

 _ **Dr. Moren explained to Kelly and Gabby that Matt's mental shell is broken. They forced then Matt to talk to them but he burst into anger and stormed them out of his room.**_

 _ **And now, the next chapter...**_

* * *

 **Chapter 6: EMDR**

Matt was out of himself, without knowing why. How he could have been so obnoxious at his best friend and the woman he loved unconditionally? All this was exceeding him, by far. He sighed, watching the falling rain through the window. He heard a knock and someone entered.

"May I enter?"

He didn't reply, focused on this rain. Steps resonated in the room, a chair crunched on the floor, and someone sat in.

"I don't know how you can be focused on this rain".

It was a man. By the sound of his voice, he was maybe late forty, probably more early fifty. Still watching outside, he replied.

"Free to fall where it wants. No stress, no fear. Nothing".

"You... Would like to be rain? Or... In the rain?" this man asked, insisting on 'in'.

This made Matt smile so lightly as this man didn't notice it.

"And be wet?"

"Point taken. Be wet sucks".

Matt didn't talk for a few minutes. He was curois to know who this person was but on the other side, he didn't want to move. He just wanted to be alone.

"I'm here to make you feel better".

Matt inhaled deeply.

"I'm fine".

"It's not what these two days of unconsciousness are saying, or your... Your burst and anger ealier".

"You talked to Gabby and Kelly then..."

"Mh".

This time, his curiosity was too high. He turned his head and observec this man from head to toes. Dark hair, a little overheight, a gray doctor coat, with something written above it: Dr. Charles, Head of Phychiatry, Chicago Medical Hospital. He was a shrink.

"I hate shrink".

"Nive to meet you...", he answered sarcastically. "Why do you hate shrink?"

"Because they enter into people's mind and... I don't want you to enter into my mind".

"Oh, a shrink can do more than this, lieutenant. He can just listen to what you have in your heart".

"I have nothing to say".

"Then why you're still talking?"

Matt gave him a black look while Dr. Charles was eating candies just under his nose.

"You know perfectly what I mean".

"Yeah, I know. But I would like to try something with you. And for this, I have to trust me first".

"Good luck then".

The doctor began to laugh slightly.

"I can enable you to forget all this".

Having resumed his former position, ie. Lying to watch the rain, Matt turned his head again to this shrink he didn't like. How he could tell him that he could enable him to forget them all?

"You're wondering how I can do this, aren't you?"

This doctor was smart, observer. All that Matt liked. Although he would never admit it out loud. He nodded.

"Well, there is a therapy that could help you. But as I said, you have to trust me first".

"T-therapy?"

"If you pefer, I can help you. One way or another".

"How".

Dr. Charles approached a little more with the chair until almost touching the bed.

"This... Way to help you is based on hypnosis", he finally said when he saw that Matt tensed to the word 'therapy'.

Matt had never really been hypnotized. He just knew that he was highly receptive, but nothing else.

"Do you know if you're receptive or not?"

"Uh... I think I am".

Matt didn't trust him, but he let himself gradually embark. His promise to get better and forget all this was stronger than his own reason.

"Okay. Do you feel able to get up and walk?"

"I-I... I can try".

Dr. Charles stood up and helped Matt to remove the blanket. He then nocited that Matt was still hooked to a catheter. Matt looked away, a little shameful to reveal himself like this.

"I'll go find a nurse to remove it".

The shrink left the room to go find a nurse. When he came back, Matt was sitting at the edge of the bed, his legs in the space, his feet slightly put on the ground. He seemed to feel good. The nurse arrived soon after, removed the catheter and changed the fluid bags of his IV pole.

"You still need them sir", she assured.

He let her do her job, a last check-up: temperature, vitals... She left then the room, finally.

"So! Ready for a walk?" Dr. Charles asked.

Matt straightened, his whole body ached, was sore. He heared a few joints crack, somewhat relieving his pain. He grunted with pleasure, making Dr. Charles smile.

"Third day without moving, it can do this effect!" he said, facing Matt.

"Ready for a few steps?"

Matt shook his head up to down and moved forward one foot. Promptly, he felt dizzy and a wave of nausea set in. He closed his eyes, ready to collapse to the ground, but Dr. Charles stopped him.

"I got you, I got you", he whispered in his ear.

Matt had never felt such a pain in his head, or almost. The only and last time he had had this pain, it was when he had his fractured skull.

"Fracture?" he managed to whisper without knowing how.

"Crack this time. But in the same place as your previous injury to which you're refering".

Instinctively, Matt ran his fingers on the back of his skull, behind his left ear. He could feel a few stitches. Three, maybe four. He winced when he reopened his eyes. Dizziness were still there, his vision was blurry, but the nausea were gone.

"Dizziness and nausea?"

Matt took several seconds to nod.

"Maybe it's... It's safer if you wait a few more hours before walking, right?"

Matt didn't answer, focused on his breathing, what Dr. Charles noticed.

"Okay, we'll still walk, but you'll sit in a wheelchair okay? I'll help you to sit down on the bed, and then I'll get this wheelchair".

"No... Please, no walk. Later", Matt begged.

Dr. Charles soon realized that it was highly exhausting Matt, and that he just wanted to rest.

"Okay. We'll get back in bed then".

Once again, the doctor helped him. Matt let out a big sigh of relief once in bed.

"I understand better why I still had this... Damn thing".

"The catheter?"

Eyes still closed, Matt nodded.

"I can ask the nurse to come again and hook one to you if you don't feel able to go to the bathroom".

Matt bit his lip. He was ashamed. Ashamed to be in this condition, this condition that was preventing him from making the least step.

"Okay, I'll ask the nurse to come. Later".

Dr. Charles sat again on the chair and approached the bed.

"I think you begin to trust me".

"No other choice".

This made the shrink laugh.

"I saw you earlier using some breathing and relaxation techniques to feel better. You learnt this when you had you skull fracture?"

"Yeah. They can be useful, even today".

"I can see that. It could help me help you better and faster".

Matt frowned, looking the doctor puzzled.

"It's one of the steps of the... My method. To help you. You know some breathing and relaxation techniques, so we'll save some time. And I also know that you're receptive to hypnosis, we'll save even more time. You... Do you trust me?"

Matt shrugged.

"It's essential".

He swallowed, not knowing if he could trust this stranger. But Matt was desperate to not be this man he hated to have become anymore.

"I think so".

The doctor smiled.

"Alright, we can start then".

Gabby and Kelly took refuge in the cafeteria, soon joined by Connor, Will and April, who were taking a break. All with a coffee in hand, nobody dared to talk first about Matt. But the tention was too high for Will.

"If it can reassure you, Dr. Charles came up to see him".

Gabby and Kelly remained there, looking inside their cup, frozen. The three ER tending saw that something was off.

"There's a problem?"

Without warning, Kelly clenched his fists and struck the table, startling everyone. Each person in the cafeteria were looking at them, especially at Kelly who had risen. Filled anger, but also with sadness and guilt, he collapsed back in his chair, passing his hands through his hair and shedding a few tears.

"Matt... Matt sotrmed us out of his room", Gabby explained when he saw that Kelly was in distress. "H-he... It's not him, it's not him anymore".

"Give him some time. Dr. Charles is here and will be here to help him".

"Will he listen to him at least?" Kelly threw. "I know Matt, he doesn't trust strangers. Much less a shrink".

"Oh, believe me, Dr. Charles can be very... Persuasive when necessary".

"You don't know Matt then. He isn't going to play fair".

"You forget one thing", Will affirmed smiling.

Kelly crossed his arms, waiting an explanation.

"Matt is highly velnerable right now. It would be easier for Dr. Charles to... To help him".

"Do you think he's gonna use EMDR on him?" Connor asked.

"I think so. It would be logical", Will said.

Kelly and Gabby were speechless.

"EMDR? What is this?"

"It's a therapy. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It's used as a treatment for PTSD".

"This therapy is based on sensory stimulation, especially eye movement. Still controversial, but according to Dr. Charles, highly efficient if the patient is receptive to hypnosis", Connor continued.

"Which... Which is the case for Matt", Gabby confirmed. "But as Kelly and me said, Matt won't open to him like this. He needs to trust, and it takes time. A lot of time".

"And as we said", Connor began with support from Will, "Dr. Charles can be persuasive, we trust him pretty quickly".

"I'd like to see that!" Kelly joked.

"Alright then. We come up to see that?"

Kelly opened his mouth, unable to talk. He didn't think about it. But Matt was so angry last time.

"Don't worry, we'll stay behind the glass to watch. We won't enter".

"And if he sees us?"

"He won't. It's an unilateral glass".

"We can see him, but he can't see us. As in interrogation rooms", Connor added.

All took the road to Matt's room. Once arrived, they stayed the most discreet possible while watching through the glass. Matt was sitting in an upright bed, eyes closed, sometimes shaking his head up to down or from side to side. Dr. Charles was sitting on the bed, almost facing Matt. His lips were moving. Matt seemed to follow the instructions given by the shrink.

"Oah..."

Kelly couldn't believe it. Dr. Charles managed to do in tens of minutes what he didn't manage in twenty years. He was open-mouthed, completely stunned.

"I told you he was good", Connor said.

Dr. Charles lowered the bed to lay Matt and give him some rest. He straightened then. Matt had still his eyes closed and the psychiatrist moved toward the door. They stepped back while the door opened. He didn't seem surprised to see them.

"So?"

The shrink sighed.

"I will have a lot of work, but I think I can do it. I have just one question. How was Matt before?"

"The opposite of how he is now. It's on him that we came to cry if we felt bad, we came to talk... He was our shrink, sort of. He kept eveything for him, inside of him. He always said he was fine. But now... Since our last call..."

"I see. This... Last call is the trigger, I can assure you now. He woke in Matt all the memories he repressed. And he can't control them anymore. When they comme one by one, he seems to manage, but when there are several at once... It's another story".

"So... He... How is he?"

"He managed to fall asleep, through hypnosis I have to admit, but it seems to work. Other than that, he's not okay. Mentally but also physically".

"What? What do you mean?"

"Well... We tried to walk, but just a step and he was dizzy and nauseous. He was ready to collapse. His skull cracked just right where the previous injury was. It will take time to heal but in a few hours he should walk".

"And your uh... Your therapy?"

"He's receptive to hypnosis and I began my work with him. He seems to have a lot of traumatic events in his life, and work with him will take some time. Will and Connor explained to you, right? Knowing them, it won't surprise me".

"Just... The basics".

Dr. Charles sighed again.

"I explain: my aim is to replace his bad memories to good ones. To be simple. The sensations he felt at the time of these events will be changed into something... More pleasant. I mean that if he find himseld in a situation from which he has bad memories, he can use the 'good memories' to counter them. I make sure that the trauma have no longer effects on him".

"You... You can... Reform his mental shell?"

"Yes I can. But it will take a lot of time. I started the therapy but he blocks easily. We'll see in the next sessions".

Dr. Charles began to leave them when he turned suddently to the group.

"By the way April, could you replace his Foley? Just for a few hours".

"I'm on it".

"I advise you to let him sleep. He needs it after our sessions"

The doctors left for the ER, to catch their shift back, April entered slowly the room with Gabby and Kelly. They say in silence, looking Matt sleeping peacefully. Almost peacefully.

* * *

 **What will happen next:** **Matt will have a panic attack after a nightmare, and Dr. Charles will come again for a new session.**


	7. Face the first image

Hello everyone! For the European, African and American readers, I wanted to share a chapter with you to begin your Easter day! For the Asian readers, I wanted to share it to end your Easter day (jet lag...). I hope you still like it!

Enjoy and please let me a review :p

* * *

 _ **Previously, on the last chapter...**_

 _ **Matt talked for the first time with Dr. Charles while Kelly and Gabby didn't recognize their friend. The ER doctors explained what the shrink would probably do with Matt and came to see this therapy.**_

 _ **And now, the next chapter...**_

* * *

 **Chapter 7 : Face the first image**

Kelly and Gabby were watching Matt sleeping noiselessly. He seemed so... In peace with himself. Kelly still couldn't believe that Dr. Charles could have, sort of, done something with Matt and for Matt.

"How did he do this...", he murmured more for himself than Gabby.

But she didn't heard what he said.

"What?" she murmured in return while not looking away.

"Matt had never done this before. Getting help from a shrink I mean. He always managed alone, then... How did he do this?"

Gabby was stroking gently Matt's hand.

"Maybe... Maybe he's really desperate and Dr. Charles promised something", she finally said after few seconds of reflexion.

"Yeah. Maybe", Kelly simply answered.

He closed his eyes and sighed, passing his hands through his hair. In this moment, everything turned wrong. The heart monitor began to act crazy, Matt's heart rate was increasing. Gabby could feel him begin to shiver, his breathing to begin shallow, agonic. He was moving in this bed without coherence.

"No..."

And he was talking in his sleep. More and more. Gabby and Kelly understood quickly: Matt was having a nightmare.

"Kelly, go find a doctor please".

He nodded and walked toward the door. And there, the real nightmare began for them. Matt woke up startled, a cold sweat invading his face, his breathing totally out of control, the monitor resonating in the room because of his heart rate. Kelly also jumped when he heard the door open and saw a doctor and a nurse appear. Both rushed to the bed, worried about Matt.

"Matt, take some slow and deep breaths. Everything is okay".

But despite all the encouragement, he couldn't.

"We hook up to an oxygen mask the time for the crisis to go away".

The nurse got out to find a mask and hooked it to the oxygen tank and Matt.

"Push to ten liters".

The doctor turned then to Matt and grabbed his arm.

"Matt, take some slow and deep breaths".

He had closed his eyes, really to faint because of the lack of oxygen and fatigue. But he still couldn't take a breath.

"Give me two milligrams of midazolam".

The nurse came back two minutes later with a crash cart, tending a sirynge full of midazolam. The doctor injected it into the IV port and after several unending seconds, his heart rate decreased and his breathing became calmer.

"That's it. Slow, deep breaths..."

His left hand still on the mask to maintain it in position, he took Matt's right wrist to feel his heartbeat, still looking at the monitor.

"He's stable. Matt? Can you open your eyes for me please?"

Still taking deep breaths, Matt opened slowly his eyes with difficulty. They burned as never, and he closed them immediately.

"I know your eyes are burning, it would be logical, but I need you to open your eyes".

Totally reluctant, he reopened them despite the pain and locked them on the doctor's.

"Can you telll me what happened?"

Through the mask, Matt opened his mouth. His lips were trembling and no words came out. He closed it and shook his head from side to side.

"You can't or you don't want to?"

Matt turned his head to the left and stopped moving. The doctor was ready to talk again when Gabby stopped him.

"You don't see you're troubling him? Matt don't want to talk, then leave him alone, stop asking these questions".

"But..."

"No buts doctor!" Kelly continued, understanding what Gabby wanted. "now please, I'll ask you to get out, Matt needs rest".

After some seconds, he nodded and ordered the nurse to lease the room with him. He removed the mask and turned to Gabby.

"You know how it works. If he needs it again, use it".

When the door closed, Kellly and Gabby sighed and turned to Matt.

"It's done, he's not here anymore. You okay?"

He didn't reply, not wanting to talk, but shook his head slightly up to down after several long seconds. Gabby caressed his forehead, then his hair, smiling to detress him.

"You... You want us to leave too or... Or call Dr. Charles?"

Kelly gave her a puzzled look while Matt remained still.

"Okay, I'll call Dr. Charles. Maybe he can help you more than us".

Matt didn't move when she removed her hand, he didn't move or speak when she got up and left the room with Kellly. Once out, he grabbed her arm to make her turn to him.

"You want us to leave or call Dr. Charles?! You're crazy or what?"

"Matt won't talk to us. You know him, we know him. Dr. Charles did something with him, then we should trust him, right?"

Kelly sighed, placing his hands on his hips.

"Okay", he finally managed to say. "I hope he can really help him and do something with him. And mainly for him".

Gabby nodded and turned to the nurse desk.

"Excuse me, could you call Dr. Charles please?"

"The shrink? Why?"

"I think he can help Matt".

"I see. I'll page him".

After five minutes, Dr. Charles came and faced the two friends.

"A problem?"

"We can say that. You have to do something for Matt. He woke up in panic after a nightmare and... He won't talk to us, but maybe he will to you. He seems to have established a link with you".

"You want me to talk to him then..."

"I ask you to do your job. No offense".

"Don't worry, I'm not offensed. I'll talk to him. I just talked to Dr. Moren and I'm confronting her diagnosis to mine. I think I know what is happening but I need to obverse him before".

"You think about what?" Gabby asked.

"I can't tell you anyhing for now, but as soon as I have the diagnosis, you'll be the first to know. We're good?"

Kelly and Gabby slightly nodded, allowing Dr. Charles to enter the room.

"Matt?"

Dr. Charles approached slowly to the bed, to not scare Matt if he went back to sleep. He didn't. Matt was watching the rain again through the window. This made the shrink smile.

"You like this rain uh? This... Freedom".

He sat where Gabby was. Matt remained still.

"I heard about your... Misadventure a few minutes ago. A... A nightmare?"

Matt swallowed hard and let himself nod.

"It happens often? To have nightmares?"

This time, he shook his head from side to side.

"You thought again about... About this accident?"

The shrink was talking about this little four year old boy who couldn't be savec by Matt. He watched him die a few days ago. Matt closed his eyes and let himself cry. He didn't understand why so much emotions invaded him like this although he didn't expose them before. He was ashamed to cry.

"It's logical to cry. Don't worry about this. I would like to try something with you, if you want to".

Eyes red, Matt opened them and faced the doctor.

"About an hour ago, I explained what I wanted to do with you, you remember?"

Matt straightened and nodded again.

"It's not something you will like at first, but you really have to trust me on this one, otherwise it won't work".

Matt didn't move, still fiwing the doctor in front of him.

"Okay. I want you to relax okay?"

Matt shook his head and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. Then he exhaled deeply, calming his breath and his heart rate.

"Now, I want you to focud on this accident".

Suddenly, Matt opened his eyes. They were full of fear and his heart rate increased again. He didn't want to think again about this accident. The only image he had in mind was this little boy being devoured by flames. He shook his head vigourously, showing to Dr. Charles his disagreement.

"I know what I'm asking is hard. But, unconsciously, you thought about it, didn't you?"

Matt was trying to take control of his breathing. His chest was hurting, he could feel his heart beating very strongly. Briefly, Dr. Charles looked at the monitor. Matt's heartrate was at 118. but finally, Matt nodded.

"And... What did you see?"

Matt closed his eyes again, turning his head to the right, as to avoid any gaze. The psychiatrist understood quickly what Matt had in mind.

"The little boy?"

Matt was crying again, which was understandable. The doctor hit him straight.

"Alright, I want you now to focus on... On a positive image of this event".

Matt turned abruptly his head to the doctor, opening his eyes.

"WHAT?!"

"I know I'm asking something impossible, but it's not true".

"There're no positive image of this! A little boy is dead because I didn't do my job! It's so hard to understand?!"

Dr. Charles raised his hands, as to say he was here in peace.

"I know it's hard", he began in a calm tone, almost a whisper, "But try. I see one positive image at least".

"Yeah?!" Matt said angry.

"Gabby".

Matt's look changed suddenly. And his anger decreased. He didn't understand what Dt. Charles meant.

"If you would have saved this little boy, you would have died. You can enjoy Gabby because you're alive".

"And the mother can't enjoy his child anymore".

It was quite true. And it hurt the doctor.

"Just... Focus on you, and only you if you want".

Matt sighed then nodded slowly.

"Can you sit at the edge of the bed, in face of me? It will ease our work".

Matt accepted reluctantly and slowly, he balanced his legs out of the bed. He remained straight, in front of the shrink.

"Can you give a note from 0 to 10 to this... Negative image?"

With a puzzled look, Matt thought about what Dr. Charles wanted.

"I want to know if this negative image has a great impact on you. 0 and the image is just one image, 10 and the image is a trauma".

"Then... Lets say... 9?"

"And when you think about it... Where does it hurt?"

Matt thought of this boy again. Closing his eyes, his stomach tightened and his heart beated faster.

"I would say... When I'm thinking about it, I... My stomach hurts".

He passed his look to the window behind the doctor. He didn't want to meet his shrinky gaze He didn't feel at ease.

"Okay. Does it bother you if I call Gabby to help me?"

"What do you think about?"

"Ah... You didn't understand yet..."

Matt thought for a moment, and after several seconds, he understood what Dr. Charles meant.

"Positive image".

The psychiatrist smiled, satisfied that Matt found the answer alone.

"You will have your eyes closed during the process, but I want her to help me to... Wake your sens. When I explained to you how it was going to work, I told you that this... Method uses all your sens", he finally said, remembering that Matt hated the word 'therapy'.

"Okay".

"I'll go find her then? No prank?"

Matt feigned a smile and nodded slightly. Dr. Charles left the room and went find Gabby. She might be in the ER or in the cafetetria. He found her some minutes later in front of a coffee and Kelly. He approached them.

"Hello again".

"You left Matt alone?!" Kelly cried.

"Matt is a big boy, he can stay calm when necessary".

"In his shape? I don't think so".

"I came here to find Gabby", he said in a neutral tone, not paying attention to what Kelly was saying. "I need you to help Matt".

"And me?" Kelly asked, offended.

"Oh you can follow me too. But it's more Gabby I need".

"You can at least explain here?"

he understood that Gabby wouldn't go with him before knowing what was happening. He sighed and began his explanation.

"I would like to short-circuit his negatives thoughts. Adn for this, I need your help. When he has negatives thoughts, he seems to have your images to counter them".

Kelly and Gabby understood perfectly, so there were no problems between us anymore.

"I follow you. You wait here for me Kelly?"

"Yeah. D'ont worry for the coffee, I'll take another one for you later".

Gabby smiled then followed the doctor into Matt's room. He was standing straight, and had walked a little, with the help of the bed.

"Shaking your legs?" he said smiling. "Without me?"

Matt sat at the edge of the bed.

"Had ants", he said looking at Gabby.

Then he lowered his head.

"Okay, we can go back where we were? I explained to Gabby what I wanted to do, but she doesn't know how she can help me and you yet. It doesn't bother you if I explain again?"

Still his head down, Matt shook his head.

"I asked Matt to focus on an image of this event, to know where is the 'pain' in his body, and how it affects him. And then I asked him to focus on a positive image of this event".

Not wanting to say something wrong or worsen the situation, Gabby thought a moment.

"And this positive image it's me I suppose. Otherwise you wouldn't have asked my help".

"Correct. I want you to face Matt, have a sit in this chair".

Gabby nodded and sat on the plastic chair. Matt was still avoiding her gaze.

"Matt, I would like to do our approach again. It will ease our work, okay?"

Head still down, he nodded.

"Okay. Just relax, as ealier, and when you're ready, we keep going".

Gabby looked the doctor who was just near her. She was wondering how she oculd help Matt. After some long seconds, Matt nodded, allowing Dr. Charles to continue.

"Now, I want you to focus on the negative image".

Soon, Gabby could feel that Matt tensed. He was shivering, his breathing and his heart rate were fast, he was clenching his fists.

"Now, I want you to focus to the positive image. Focus".

Matt stopped shivering after a dozen of seconds.

"Gabby, I want you to comfort him in using all his sens".

She turned to the doctor, still puzzled. He lowered a little his head while looking at her. So Gabby decided to listen to him. She turned to Matt and grabbed his arms to hug him, approaching more and more the man she loved.

"I'm here Matt, I'll always be here. No matter what, where, when, how, I'll always be here".Now in his arms, she was comforting Matt as she could. She could hear his breathing taking a normal rhythm again, his heart rate decreasing. Matt had planted his head onto her neck. She was warm, he was cold. The contrast made them shiver. He could feel her fragrance, this fragrance he loved so much.

"How do you feel Matt?"

Eyes still closed, enjoying this moment, Matt took his time to answer.

"Better".

"Ok. I'll allow you to get out of this hospital, but you need to be watched by someone. You can come... Every day? It's okay with you?"

"Mh..."

"Alright. I'll help you to lay down and rest a moment. I'll prepare the discharge paper and give them to Gabby okay?"

Gabby helped Dr. Charles to put Matt to bed. He fell asleep almost immediately. They left the room and the doctor stopped her.

"There will be someone to watch and take care of him?"

"I... I work tonight but Kelly will. They lived together so it will be okay I think".

"Okay. I'll prescribe some sleeping pills to help his sleep if he can't relax. One to two before going to bed but not more. I'll go find the discharge paper and give them to you. If I don't find you in the cafeteria, you'll be here?"

"Yes. And thanks. I'm... Impressed of the trust that Matt is according to you. He... He's not the king of guys who trust like this".

"I didn't give him a choice. Sort of".

"What did you say to him? What did you promise?"

"The truth. I'm enable to help him. Get all this negatvie images out of his mind".

"Really? How?"

"I think you have the answer".

Dr. Charles smiled as she thought. After thirty seconds, she did.

"You... You will use me? To get these images out?"

"Not entirely. Okay, I explain. To get a negative image out, you need a positive image and sensory smitulations. The positive image he took to counter the little boy, it was you. And the fact to comforting him by using all his sens, this image will come in his mind mire easily. So, if this negative image come back..."

"Then my image and the sensation given will come into his mind?" Gabby continued.

"To simplify? Yes. But one session won't be enough. We need more than one just for a negative image. So imagine the number of sessions I have to schedule with him".

"It will take time indeed. I hope you will succeed. For Matt".

Dr. Charles nodded, and let her go to the cafeteria to join Kelly.

* * *

 **What will happen next:** **Mat will have his first evening out of the hospital but he will have insomnia and won't control the negative images.**


	8. I want to sleep

Hello everyone! I promised to update yesterday evening but I was too tired to translate this chapter, so I published the french version but not the english one. Aceept my apologize :-)

I will explain why it took some time: I was drunk yesterday and I had a huge way of inspiration. So I decided to add some scenes (about two more pages from the first version) and a lot of details. Apparently I'm more productive in a drunk state than a sober state, and I think this is my best chapter ever (if I reunite all the stories I wrote).

I hope you will like then! Enjoy!

* * *

 _ **Previously, on the last chapter...**_

 _ **Matt had a panic attack after a nightmare and Dr. Charles tried to help Matt with the image of this little boy. He allowed him to be released from the hospital in one condition: someone has look after him...**_

 _ **And now, the next chapter...**_

* * *

 **Chapter 8: I want to sleep**

Matt was released from the hospital late the afternoon and struggled a lot to move, but being out made him feel better. He had a terrible headache but that was to be expected with a cracked skull. Kelly, Gabby and he had gone to the pharmacy to pick up the sleeping pills prescribed by Dr. Charles and had come back home immediately. Gabby had to do some errands for the boys as she was working at the bar that night. She was worried, but she didn't admit it. She was afraid that something could happen to Matt, despite the promised monitoring of Kelly. After returning from the errands and having put everything in the fridge, she left for work, leaving Kelly take care of Matt. Altough he wasn't hungry, he forced himself to eat something, just to not be annoyed by Kelly, and at 11PM, theywent to bed: Matt because he was tired, Kelly because he would work the next day. After two hours of trying, Matt still couldn't sleep, and he tried everything to fall asleep. He had taken two sleeping pills, what Dr. Charles had highly recommended for muscle relaxation, but nothing helped him to catch some sleep. He closed his eyes, trying to relax, as he had learned with the same Dr. Charles. He laid straight in bed, placed his hands on his abdomen, inhaled and exhaled deeply. He tried to find a good image, to relax and fall asleep, but after fifteen minutes, he gave up, frustrated. He got up, heading toward the bathroom to take another sleeping pill, then took a few minutes to splash some water over his face, and laid down again. But he still couldn't sleep. He sighed in despair: the only pictures he had in his head were just disorder and chaos. He couldn't concentrate on a good image. Tired of these recurrent insomnia and sleep sign of nightmares, he got up, went back to the bathroom and took the box of sleeping pills in his hands. These trembled hands. Should he talk about his problems with his friends, or... Or should he just sleep to forget these problems? Not knowing who to talk to at 2AM, and just wanting to sleep peacefully, he opened the box, put the drugs in his hand and paused, frozen. He had so many questions in his head: who to trust, who to talk to, should he sleep or nit... Should he take these pills or not? So many questions without answers... He shook his head, as to escape to his own mind, but nothing changed. These images and questions remained up and were becoming stronger. He sighed again, closing his eyes, and approached his hand to his mouth. The pills mixed with his saliva as he filled a glass of water and swallowed a few sips. Soon after, in less than a minute, the world began to turn around him as if he was moving constantly and became fuzzy, feeling of drowning. He placed his left hand over the edge of the sink before feeling himself slipping, falling to the ground. _What I've done?_ He thought. He had to think about something before it was too late: he was out of strength already. He decided to crawl to return in his bedroom and to take his phone on the nightstand. With difficulty, he finally found it and called the first person he could.

* * *

Gabby was still working at Molly's with Hermann and Otis to clean and close the bar. She worried for Matt, she had left him alone with Kelly since the beginning of the evening. Although Kelly promised to take care of Matt, she wasn't reassured. But she was also worried about Hermann: he almost didn't talk this evening. She decided to break the ice.

"You okay Hermann?" she asked softly.

But he didn't answer back. Gabby knew him well, very well even. If he didn't want to answer, then he was bad.

"Hermie?"

This time, it was Otis to worry. Hermann sighed, closing his eyes and sitting on one of the chairs still not up a table. His two colleagues did the same.

"Talk to us".

He nodded and opened his mouth.

"I... I just can't stop myself to think about this little boy..."

Hermann finally admittedd it. Finally.

"I keep telling myself that... That it could have been Kenny".

As a father, it was hard for him to see a child die into the flames, because he told to himself that it could have been one of his children. And it was understandable.

"I watched him die without doing anything and..."

"You watched him die because you couldn't do anything, it's different", Dawson interrupted. "What happened was anybody's fault, neither yours nor Matt. Act otherwise would have been suicide".

She tried to reassure him when she had a lot of trouble to reassure Matt.

"I know Dawson. But I can't stop it".

"Maybe... You could talk to Dr. Charles? He's helping Matt, maybe he can help you too?"

After a long time of thinking, he nodded.

"Yeah, maybe. I'll call him after a good sleep".

Otis ans Dawson smiled. They didn't like to see Hermann like this, and it reassured them to know that he accepted some help. Suddenly, her phone rang. Surprised, Gabby took her phone into her hands and looked at the screen. It was Matt. She picked up, surprised and frowning.

"Gabby..."

The voice on the other end of the phone was low, almost whispering, much lower than usual. This worried her more: something was wrong.

"Matt? Everything is okay?"

"I..."

Otis and Hermann was listening attentively, worried. They wanted to talk to Gabby, but she stopped them with a wave of his hand.

"Matt?"

"I think... I made a mistake..."

"Matt, what happened? You can't sleep?"

"I... I just wanted to sleep... Just... Without nightmares..."

"What? Matt, what did you do?"

Her own voice was shaking, she had tears in her eyes and ran her hand over her mouth and her icy lips.

"Sleep... I... Sorry... Gabby..."

She was trying to know what he meant exactly. But she had no idea.

"Matt, what did you do?!" She repeated, shouting and tears in her eyes.

"... Pills..."

She let out a cry of horror after a few seconds when she realized what was happening. She turned to her friends and colleagues.

"Someone call 911 for the apartment, the other call Kelly", she ordered.

Otis grabbed his phone to call 911 while Christopher dialed the number of Kelly.

"Matt? Keep talking to me".

But she had no answer. No sound, not even a breath.

"Matt!"

She felt the tears fall and burn her cheeks. Hermann ran back to her.

"Kelly online".

She almost snatched the phone from the hands of her friend and mentor, letting him worry even more than before.

"Kelly, you're near Matt?!"

"I was sleeping Gabby... I work in a few hours...", he said with a sleepy voice.

"Go to his bedroom! Matt is in there and I think he overdosed of sleeping pills!"

"WHAT?!" He shouted into the phone.

Gabby repeated what she had said, with tears in her eyes and a trembling voice. Kelly jumped up, ran out of his room to go to his bedroom. Heart beating at full speed, he came in to discover his brother totally inert near the bed, his face on the ground and his phone in his left hand.

"Oh God!"

He pressed the speaker button and threw himself to the ground, dragging his phone from his hands and it slammed to the floor.

"Matt! Matt!" He cried, putting him on his back and lightly tapping his cold cheeks. "Gabby... What do I have to do? Uh? W-what do I have to do?"

"Calm down Kelly, help is on its way. First, check his pulse and breathing".

Kelly took a deep breath, then applied two fingers on his carotid and put his other hand on his chest.

"H-he's not breathing! W-what do I have to do Gabby? W-what do I have to do uh?"

He was in total panic, not knowing what to do as the shock was too great for him.

"Kelly, calm down. I need you to calm down okay? Help is on the way. This is only on you now. Does he have a pulse?"

"Yes y-yes. But hard to percieve. It's very high".

"He talked about pills. Do you see the box of sleeping pills near him?"

He inhaled and exhaled almost calmly, sweat slowly dripping on his forehead. He looked around and saw the box of sleeping pills given on the floor of the bathroom. He got up, took it into his own hands and opened it. It was empty. He ran again to kneel next to Matt.

"Gabby? H-he swallowed them! The whole box!"

"Oh God... Okay, you have to do a CPR. Don't panic, help is on its way".

"Okay" he whispered.

Kelly murmured several times this same word, kneeling near Matt's neck. He swung his head back, opened his mouth, put his own lips on his lips and blew two big gulps of air into his lungs. Matt's inactive lungs. Then he clasped his hands and placed them on his chest and pressed it many times.

"Come on Matt, don't give up!"

Kelly was in panic: Matt was so pale, his lips had taken a slight shade of blue and it terrorized him.

But despite all the efforts he provided, nothing changed. Matt was still not breathing.

"Gabby, he's still not breathing! And... A-and his heart rate is too high!"

"Help is coming Kelly. It's only a matter of seconds. Keep going".

Kelly took a breath, then re-blew two breaths into Matt's lungs, and began to apply pressure on his chest.

"Come on... Come on Matt...", he whispered.

Finally he heard the sirens of the ambulance approaching, and Gabby also heard them through the phone.

"The door is open?"

"No...", he confirmed. "I closed it after you left".

"Go Kelly. Come on!"

He grunted, aware that he was going to let Matt without oxygen the time to go find the paramedics and bring them back to him. He got up, ran to the door, unlocked it to open. He faced the paramedics, two men he didn't know. They were ready to knock.

"This way!"

He turned and ran to the other way, now followed by the two paramedics. He fell back to the ground, holding his friend's head.

"What happened?"

"Overdose of sleeping pills. It's been more than five minutes he's not breathing and his pulse is very high".

The two men rushed to settle an IV on his right arm and intubate him. Once in place, Enrey secured the tube, inflated the baloon and pumped some air into his lungs. The other paramedic, Harrison, placed the three electrodes and plugged in the monitor and the BP cuff.

"Pulse at 180, BP at 7 over 5. We have to lower his pulse and up his blood pressure. And limit the absorption of pills. How many he took?"

Kelly didn't react at first, watching his little brother inert, intubated and vulnerable.

"SIR!"

This powerful cry helped him to get out of his thoughts and he jumped, removing his gaze from Matt and fixing the PIC.

"How many pills!"

"Uh... T-the whole box".

"Enrey, get the stretcher. We must act quickly otherwise he won't make it".

He nodded and ran out to bring the stretcher.

"You can help me sir?"

"Yes, yes... What do I have to do?" He asked, swallowing his saliva with difficulty.

"You will take my place and press the balloon every two seconds, okay?"

He didn't have the strength to speak, but he nodded his head up and down. In seconds, Matt's breathing was in his hands. So he obeyed: every two seconds, he pressed the balloon that was keeping his best friend alive and his breathing intact. Harrison injected something into his IV, and soon after, his pulse lowered slightly. Enrey reappeared in the bathroom with the stretcher, lowering it at its maximum level.

"We put him on it in three. One, two, three!"

As usual, Kelly put his free hand behind Matt's, the time he was transferred from the ground to the stretcher by the paramedics.

"You are a doctor?" Harrison asked, noticing his gesture, only known by emergency services.

"Firefighter. Firehouse 51".

"You come with us in the ambulance?"

"Out of question to leave him! Then yes!".

The two paramedics nodded and lifted the stretcher and walked to the back of the ambulance.

"He is also a firefighter?"

"Same firehouse", he said, shaking his head and continuing to pump air into Matt's lungs. "He's my best friend. My brother".

Once in the ambulance, Kelly sat back to the road, near Matt's head.

"Go Enrey!"

"In route to Lakeshore!"

"No, no! Take him to Chicago Med, please", Kelly begged.

"A problem...?"

"Uh... Bad memories. His... his first fiancee is... Was a doctor there".

"Was?"

"She is dead. Well, it's complicated, but don't take him to Lakeshore".

The PIC sighed, seeing the distress marked on Kelly's face.

"Enrey? You can take us to CM in less than five minutes?"

"Like it's done!"

"I call the hospital".

He grabbed his radio.

"Main, this is ambulance 127. Call Chicago Med please. Emergency".

" _Right away"_.

Few endless and silent seconds passed, causing a strong palpable tension in the ambulance.

 _"ER of Chicago Med"_.

"Here is ambulance 127. We arrive with an overdose of sleeping pills. Fifty pills were swallowed. ETA four minutes".

" _Understood. We're preparing your coming_ ".

A new silence fell, only broken by the sound of sirens of the ambulance and the pumped air. Kelly was trying to keep his calm, inhaling and exhaling deeply and calmly as he continued to blow air into Matt's lungs. Without noticing it, too focused to keep an eye on Matt, the ambulance arrived at the hospital.

"We're here!"

Harrison got up and opened the back door. Connor, Will and April were there.

"35 year old man, overdose of sleeping pills! Pulse ar 170, BP at 7 over 4. BPM up to 30 after intubation! GCS at 7, 0.3 mg of flumazenil a little more than five minutes ago and we started a filling to keep him as stable as possible without success!"

"You did an anesthesia?"

"No, he was unconscious and in respiratory arrest when we arrived on scene".

"No seizures?"

"No".

"Okay, trauma 1!"

Kelly followed the stretcher while he continued to bulge air into Matt's lungs. April had come near him, applying her hands on Kelly's to take his place, but he didn't let go and she discovered why when she knew who was on the stretcher. She could feel him shaking. She knew Kelly: when he was in this state, with the life of his friend in balance, he was unstoppable. So she took off her hands, leaving Kelly work. The stretcher trembled through the hallways the time to arrive in Room 1. It was placed near the hospital bed, paramedics removed the cloth under the mattress and caught it.

"On the bed at three. One, two, three!"

Doctors lifted Matt, Kelly placing his free hand again under his neck. They connected the patches to the monitor and the BP cuff while April put an oximeter on one of his fingers and suspended the bags of fluids.

"Bring the charcoal and a vent! And what to do a full filling", Connor ordered.

"We do a lavage?" the second nurse asked.

"Yes", the two doctors said simultaneously. "His body won't support a supplemental assimilation of benzodiazepine. We have to pump the pills", Dr. Rhodes added.

The second nurse left the room to bring the necessary material. Suddenly, the monitor quickly rang, startling Kelly, still blowing air into Matt's lungs.

"He's in V-tach! Prepare the defibrillator and push a dose of amiodarone!"

April searched in the tray, pulled out a syringe and pushed it into the IV. Connor then applied two patches on Matt's chest: on the right ride of his chest and on his left flank.

"Charge in 200!"

Will adjusted the power of the defibrillator and said that everything was ready.

"Everyone clear!"

Everyone stepped back raising their hands. Will activated the patches, leeting Matt's body jerk under the electricity. But the monitor kept ringing like hell.

"Still in V-tach".

"Again in 300!" Connor shouted.

Will reloaded the defibrillator and said it was charged.

"Clear!"

Again, Matt chest heaved due to the electric choc. But nothing changed. Nothing at all. The monitor still rang so quickly. Kelly bloew again some air into Matt's lungs.

"Up to 360! April push an extra dose of amiodarone".

Will reloaded again the defibrillator, hands trembling, watching Kelly bite his lower lip and continue to pump air into his bestfriend's lungs.

"Charged!"

"Clear!"

Again, Will and activated the patches, Matt's body jerked under the force of the electricity. And after this shock, his body fell back on the bed. Kelly continued his work, meaning keep his brother alive. The beeps slowly faded, and Kelly gave a big sigh of relief, just like the doctors, the paramedics and the nurses around him. And the monitor stabilized.

"Back in sinus! Pulse at 150, BP at 5 over 3".

"He is in hypotension. Run 3 mg of flumazenil in IVD to counter the effects of the sleeping pills and avoid any seizure and 200mg of amiodarone also in IVD to lower his heart rate. If his blood pressure is still low after that, we'll push a dose of dopamine", Will ordered.

These explanations, they was more for Kelly. The two doctors and April knew that he needed to understand what they were going to do with Matt. They all knew that he was worry but was too focussed on keeping Matt's airways intact.

"I want a complete blood test: toxin, basic control, everything! And where are this vent and the charcoal!"

At the same time, the second nurse came back with the breathing machine and the material.

"I need a Foley, a PVC and a filling in the rapid infuser!"

"You will find a vein?"

There was a silence for a short moment, the time for Connor to think.

"We'll see. If I can't, I'll pass in PAC".

Everybody took his place: Connor wass trying to find a vein into Matt's right arm, the second nurse was removing the few clothes he had on him to wear him in a gown while April was waiting to insert the catheter, Will was slightly jostling Kelly to remove the balloon and activate the respirator then to insert another tube into Matt's mouth, near the first one, to go down into his stomach and pump the pills. Kelly felt bad to see himself so helpless, facing this scene. He couldn't do naything now. Watching in slow motion, he stepped back until abut the wall behind him and slid to the ground. April heard him sigh, as the others in the room. She finished to place the catheter, removed her gloves and kneeled in face of Kelly.

"Come wih me. I bring you to the waiting room".

He said nothing, he iddn't move: he couldn't. April put her hand on his shoulder as to bring him back into the real world while calling him, and after ten seconds, he blocked his eyes into hers. Then he remembered what she had said and nodded slightly. April helped him to get up, get out of the room and sat him down on one of the uncomfortable chairs in the waiting room. She left a few seconds to bring him a fresh glass of water, he drank it almost in one sip. Kelly shook his head, lowering it while closing his eyes and passing his hands over his face.

"It's not your fault Kelly".

"OF COURSE IT'S MY FAULT!" he shouted, raising suddenly, startling April and everyone in the waiting room. "I promised Gabby to take care of him, I promised Matt to be there for him! And look what happpened!"

April knew that it was his anger that was talking and not really Kelly, but it hurted her to see him like this.

"You were by his sides when needed. You kept him alive. What you did saved his life", April tired to reassure him, in vain.

"And if I kept an eye on him as promised, he wouldn't be again in this damn hospital, in this fucking bed fighting for his life!" he cried, pointing the room they came out a few seconds ago.

Kelly passed again his hands over his face, over his mouth while closing his eyes. He sat down again, whispering some apologies.

"There's no need to apologize Kelly. Your best friend is in a hospital bed".

"You don't understand April. How would you react if your best friend was found in the same condition as Matt while he was under your supervision?"

She didn't answer, no need. Both had the answer: she would have reacted the same way. Kelly sighed. All this was overwhelming him.

"I... I have to go back into the room. Will or Connor will come to see you when Casey will be stabilized", April affirmed.

Kelly felt himslef nod and looked her enter the room again, where his best friend was in a bed, a tube in his throat to breathe, antoher one to pump the sleeping pills. This vision of horror was haunting him. He promised Gabby to keep an eye on Matt but he didn't. He promised Matt to be there for him and he hadn't kept that promise. Neither of the two promises.

* * *

 **What will happen next:** **Gabby and Kelly will talk (because Kelly is inconsolable) about what happened while Matt is still not out of the wood.**


	9. Frozen

Hello everyone! Hope you're having a nice sunday or had a nice one :-) Here is a nex chapter of this story! I've really appreciated your reviews, they help a lot!

Thank you!

* * *

 _ **Previously, on the last chapter...**_

 _ **Matt has insomnia and took about fifty pills just to sleep, and this led to an overdose. Fortunately, he called Gabby and she called Kelly in return so he could help him to stay alive. Kelly felt guilty for this: he promised to be there for Matt and he wasn't. He promised to keep an eye on him and he hasn't.**_

 _ **And now, the next chapter...**_

* * *

 **Chapter 9: Frozen**

kelly was in the waiting room, turning around, alone, biting his lower lip and his nails. Another nurse passed to give him some more decent clothes, better than a shirt and underwear. Gabby was going to arrive one moment to another. Well, he hoped. He was still turning around, sighing intensively to calm his growing and already at its maximum level concern. He felt guilty : he was in the next room and hadn't hear anything at all. This made him sick. He had promised to Gabby that he would take care of Matt. He had to sit: all those thoughts arriving at the same time was giving him a headache and dizziness. He closed them while sitting and passed his hands through his hair and sighed again. He heard this door next to him open and he could hear a person in a hurry. The noize stopped for a moment.

"Kelly!"

He forced him to raise his head and open his eyes to see who this person was. For a short moment, his vision was blurry, but he could see that it was Gabby. In a wave of shame, he lowered his head again and put his hands on his head, near his temple.

"I'm sorry..."

"What? No!"

Gabby sat next to him, slightly caressing his back.

"Why are you saying this?"

He could fell he was crying, but took a deep breath.

"I was next to him! Sleeping! And he... He was in the bathroom... Oh God..."

Gabby opened her mouth, trying to understand what was happening and why Kelly was feeling so guilty about what had happened.

"It's not your fault Kelly".

"Of course it's my fault! I promised to take care of him and... And I promised to be there for him! And I wasn't there!"

"But you were here to save his life, weren't you? That's the matter okay? You were here to keep him alive!"

Kelly shook his head, wanting to hear nothing. For him, he was guilty. They heard someone clear his throat.

"Gabby? Kelly?"

Surprised, they raised their head to face this voice they knew. It was Will. Kelly stood up and rushed toward him with no warning.

"How is he? How is Matt?"

Will was looking at him, then at her. Both were up, ready to jump to his throat.

"May have a sit?"

He signed to them to sit on a chair in the waiting room, and they did. Then Will sat too, near them.

"Matt isn't out of the wood yet, far from it. He took a high dose of sleeping pills and a large part was assilimated by his body. We're trying to reverse their effects with some flumazenil. It also protects to withdrawal effects and possible complications. We're giving him active charcoal to pump the pills still inside his stomach, and amiodarone to counter the tachycardia. His BP is coming up, which is a good thing, and his heartrate is coming down slowly to a good level".

"I... I thought that for an overdose, we do a hemodyalisis?"

"Some doctors do this, but it's proven that we cause more stress to the body. And we're lucky because he hand't have seizures. It's a very good thing".

"We can see him?"

Will began to shake his head from side to side.

"Unfrotunately no, not before his awakening. And he also has to talk to Dr. Charles".

"Matt isn't suicidal".

"It's not what the overdose says".

"He just wanted to sleep! He just wanted to sleep without mightmares..."

"He said that?" Will asked.

"He... He called me... Telling me that he made a mistake and... He just wanted to sleep without nightmares".

Will straightened, still in face of these two friends.

"He still has to talk to Dr. Charles. Generally, patients who had overdosed of sleeping pills don't really know that what they did was bad. He has to talk to Dr. Charles", Will explained, insisting to the 'has'.

"So... We wait, is that it? We just wait his awakening?"

"Yes. For now he stays here to be monitered. ICU are overwhelmed. But April keeps an eye on him, as Connor and I".

Will smiled at them and left the room to return to the exam room 1, where Matt was.

* * *

The first thing Matt could hear was this annoying noise coming to his ears. It was regular, loud and annoying. He felt weak, really weak, he wanted to sleep, to go back into this world where he felt so good. He took the time to take conscious about what was around him. He could feel something pinch his arm, plunging into his skin to reach a vein. It was cold, icy, it made him shiver. He could feel something else on his chest. It was sticky, unpleasant. One of these things was just under his left collarbone, another one under his right clavicle and the last one in his left flank. And he could feel another thing plunging into his skin but above his left collarbone. And one in his finger, in his right hand, and again another thing aroung his right arm. And suddenly, he heard a hiss and his chest raised without warning. Then it lowered softly. And this hiss came back, his chest raised again, then lowered. Again and again. He tried to swallow. But even this, he couldn't do it. He felt something blocking his throat, two things. These sensations he had in this precise moment were confused. Down his throat was passing something small, flexible and uncomfortable. It was to blame, what was avoiding him to swallow correctly. He tried then to take a breath, but again, something was blocking. He paid attention to all the sounds around him: those that were giving him a headache.

"He should wake up by now, isn't it?"

This voice, he didn't know it. Well, from what he could remember. He heard it so loud in his head, he wanted to tell her to talk softer. But he couldn't.

"It's been an hour from his admission. It won't take long".

He wanted so much to open his eyes, see with his eyes what was happening around him, but he was too weak. He tried something else.

"He'd urinated?"

"150cc. Maybe we should talk to him, stimulate him, maybe he would wake up?"

"Let him wake up at his rhythm. He swallowed a lot of sleeping pills. It takes some time".

He couldn't move, so he began to panic. He felt himself frown while hearing this annoying noise accelerate.

"Doctor? His heart rate is up at 130".

He heard something approach him, and he felt two fingers on his carotid.

"I think he's waking up".

The fingers left his carotid and a hand rested on his right shoulder.

"Sir? Sir, can you hear me? If so, squeeze my hand".

Some fingers mixed with those of his right hand. But did he have the strength to move his fingers?

"Sir?"

In a supreme force, he commanded his right hand to move, even a little, just an inch. After several seconds, he felt relieved because he moved a little.

"He's waking up".

No. He wanted to sleep. He wanted to go back in this noiseless world, in this world with nothing. Just sleep. That was what he wanted.

"Sir? Can you open your eyes for me?"

He no longer had the strength. All this strength he had, he used it to move his hand.

"Come on, I know you can do it. Just open your eyes..."

This voice... It was soft, encouraging. A warm hand reached his forehead, contrasting with the cold he felt.

"He's freezing. There are some blankets here?"

"I'll bring some".

"And bring warmed fluids. The treatment will be absorbed faster by his body".

If he could teeth chatter...

"We'll warm you up, don't worry".

His heart rate decreased slowly, feeling reassured by this soft voice. These rested hands were still there, still in his right hand and his forehead.

"You're still here sir?"

The only thing he could do without strength, it was moving his eyes under his eyelids. He moved them up to down, hoping that this doctor could undertand him.

"You can open your eyes?"

He moved his eyes from side to side.

"Okay. Don't worry. Within a short time you will".

"I have two blankets and two bags of warmed fluids".

"Okay, replace those from the rapid infuser and open them".

The hands left their place and he felt an extra weight on his body. A weight that came to the level of his neck. After a few endless seconds, something invaded his veins. It was hot and was spreading throughout his body. He was relaxing, he was good.

"It's better uh?"

With a last effort, he moved his eyes up to down. Before going back into this dark and noiseless place...

"He is unconscious".

Connor straightened and stretched. He sighed, rubbing his hands.

"We keep him intubated until his next awakening. We monitor his vitals, and this gastric tube will be removed at the same time as the ventilator", he explained to April.

"Got it. I prepare some other bags of warmed fluids?"

"Two more, we'll pass them slowly this time. I'll talk to Severide and Dawson".

He turned toward the door and left the room, approaching the waiting room. He met Will, who stopped him.

"How is it going? With Casey?"

Connor was tired, but he sighed and closed his eyes.

"He's waking up, slowly. We're warning him up".

"Warning him up?"

"His body temperature was at 96. He was shivering".

"Still intubated?"

Dr. Rhodes nodded slightly.

"He didn't open his eyes either".

"Then how do you know he's waking up?" Will asked, curious.

"He was moving his eyes under his eyelids. Up to down to say 'yes', side to side to say 'no'. And he hardly moved his hand".

Will was puzzled, crossing his arms in face of Connor.

"He took a whole sleeping pill box. And it's barely an hour since his admission. In general, a patient wakes up after two hours, even more".

"I'm an emergency doctor long enough to know that".

"April is with him. If you wanted to come to his room".

Will forced a smile.

"Some other patients".

Connor shook his head.

"I'll talk to Severide and Dawson".

"Good luck. They're pretty shaken".

He was going to the waiting room when he saw Dr. Charles.

"Dr. Charles!"

The latter turned around, eating again and again his candies. Connor approached him and taped his shoulder.

"I'll need your help".

"Lieutenant Casey is awake?"

He opened his mouth and began to shake his head.

"No. But I was going to talk to his friends. And Dr. Halstead told me they were pretty shaken. I don't want to get killed, if you know what I mean".

The shrink swallowed a last candy.

"Okay, I'm coming with you".

Connor thanked him. Before entering, he looked at them both. They were seated, tensed. Kelly had his hands through his hair and Gabby was trying to comfort him as she could. He couldn't interrupt them. But Dr. Charles did.

"Hello!"

Kelly and Gabby startled. They looked at the doctor.

"I know you're going through a difficult period, which is pretty understandable, but you have to know that it wasn't your fault".

Kelly stood suddenly, his fists clenched.

"You don't have the right to say that!"

Gabby was looking at him attentively, surprised and nearly scared. The psychiatrist raised his hands as a sign of piece.

"I know what you're saying to yourself: it's your fault, etc. But it's not true. You have to be there for him, so he will tell to himself that he's surrounded by friends and he will pull through. Alright?"

Gabby was the first to nod. But Kelly was still looking the doctor in the eye, wondering he was right or not.

"I think that Dr. Rhodes has something to say".

All eyes were fixed on him. He hadn't moved an inch. He came into the waiting room, raised his head and stopped in front of these two friends. He cleared his throat.

"Matt is slowly waking up. He's very weak, and didn't open his eyes but he's quite responding to the voice".

"I-it's a good thing?" Kelly asked with a trembling voice.

"Very good even. I an hour or so, he should open his eyes and should be out of the woods".

"But we still can't see him?"

Connor was surprised for a moment, before remembering that Will came here before him. He had probably told them that they couldn't be at his side for now.

"Unfortunately no. He has to talk to Dr. Charles before, when he will be awake. His vitals are stable now, he's dealing with the side effects of the antidotes we administered but everything is looking fine. As I was saying, he's responding to the voice and I also managed to communicate with him for a few seconds".

"He said something? About why he did it?" Kelly asked.

"Uh..."

Dr. Rhodes froze a moment, not knowing what to say.

"He's still intubated, but responsive".

"He responded without opening his eyes and with a tube down his throat? How?" Kelly wondered.

"Well, when you eyes are closed, you still can see the eyes moving under the eyelids. It was his way to communicate. As I said before, he's still very weak. This is due to the ingestion and the assimilation of those sleeping pills".

Kelly nodded and lowered his head.

"In an hour or so, he should wake up. When it will be the case, we'll remove the gastric probe and the breathing machine. And he will talk to Dr. Charles".

"And then, we'll see him".

Dr. Charles smiled from the corner of his mouth.

"And then, you'll see him, indeed".

* * *

 **What will happen next: Matt is slowly waking up and Connor will do a neuro check-up to see if the pills left any damage. **


	10. Why?

Hello hello! What else than reading a new chapter to end the Week-end?

I have to thank you fro the reviews you let me :) I think I didn't reply (no time) but thank you, really!

Enjoy this new chapter!

* * *

 _ **Previously, on the last chapter...**_

 _ **Kelly is still blaming himself for what happened to Matt, because he promised to be there for him and he promised Gabby to keep an eye on Matt, but he didn't. And slowly but surely, Matt is waking up.**_

 _ **An now, the next chapter...**_

* * *

 **Chapter 10 : Why ?**

Connor had come back in the exam room 1, the one where Matt was resting and where April was keeping an eye on him. Things had barely changed during one and a half hour: some bags were out of the IV pole but nothing more. He approached April slowly.

"No change?"

She shook her head from side to side, closing her eyes.

"It shouldn't take this long".

Connor sighed. She was right: more than two hours passed since his admission. They had to stimulate him. He took his penlight, turned it on and opened Matt's eyes.

"His pupils are still slightly ditaled. And his body temperature?"

"Up to 99,3. We should get the gastric tube out?"

The doctor thought a moment. Usually, they did this when the patient was awake, just to be sure that he wouldn't throw up and there were no additional problems.

"Prepare some warmed saline. We have to hope that this procedure will wake him".

April shook her head before going out of the room, leaving Connor alone with Matt. He wanted to know if he was awake or not before starting the procedure.

"Sir? Can you hear me?"

Against all expectation, Matt's hand moved to squeeze Connor's. This made him smile a little.

"Can you open your eyes now?"

Matt was percieving all the sounds around him much better, less louder than the last time he was awake. He could feel that he regained strength. Enough strength to open his eyes now. He opened them very slowly and slightly at first. A thick blurred fog invaved his eyes, crossed by a blinding light that made him close his eyes almost immediately. Dr. Rhodes saw it and turned the light toward the wall so that it was no longer turned to Matt's face.

"All good now. I turned the light. You can reopen your eyes".

This voice was still relaxing him and calm. Matt opened his eyes again slowly, almost totally. This fog was still there. He passed his gaze to the left, then to the right and locked it on Connor. The latter smiled.

"Hello".

Matt turned his head, feeling finally everything around him, and in and on him. He moved his left arm, grabbing urgently the tubes of the breathing machine. Connor stopped him just in time.

"Oah, oah!" he exclaimed, grabbing Matt's hand. "Easy, easy... We'll put it out, but you have to calm down, easy..."

Matt didn't struggle, he let Dr. Rhodes place his hand on his stomach. April came back with the material needed to get the breathing tube and the gastric tube out.

"Here we go. You will feel something warm flow into your stomach, then being pumped. And then, April wil get the gastric tube out. You understand?"

Matt had again locked his gaze on Dr. Rhodes. After several seconds, he nodded weakly.

"Alright".

He signed to April to begin. She injected the warmed saline into the smallest tube while Matt closed his eyes and frowned. It was awful. Then she aspirated the content, removed the tape that was keeping the tube in place and pulled it to her so the tube could come out of his mouth. The procedure was more awful than feeling the warmed saline into his stomach. This made him cough, but the ventilator avoided him to breathe correctly. Once again, he grabbed the breathing tube with his left hand. And once again, Connor grabbed his hand in time.

"We'll get it out. One thing at the time okay?"

He placed again his hand on his belly and felt a pressure on his other hand, the one still in Matt's.

But he was still coughing. Barely, but still.

"He's going to puke!"

April grabbed a basin and put it on Matt's legs then straightened him so he could sit. In the meantime, Connor unplugged the breathing machine and began hurriedly to pull the tube out of his mouth as Matt coughed harder. The content still on his smotach splashed into the basin as Matt was trying to take a deep breath, in vain. The monitor turned crazy.

"Pulse at 125, sature at 92", April stated while she put a non-rebreather mask on Matt's face and passed the elastic around his head to keep it in place then pushed the oxygen at its maximum level.

"Take some deep breaths. Come on, I know you can to it".

Dr. Rhodes placed his stethoscope on Matt's chest in different positions while Matt was trying to take some long and deep breaths. The monitor stopped ringing, to the relieve of the two emergency physicians.

"Heart rate is coming down at 90. Sature's coming up at 96".

"He's stable".

He turned toward Matt and smiled while April helped him to lie down again.

"Well done!"

He looked Matt and observed him attentively. He closed his eyes slowly.

"You're tired?"

He reopened them and shook his head hardly, up to down.

"Okay then... We will let you get some rest".

His blue eyes closed slowly, and he slipped into a deep sleep... Connor exhaled deeply while April was smiling.

"We let him get some rest. Can you run his blood tests again?"

"No problem".

"I'll talk to Severide and Dawson. To give them the new".

He left the room again to go to the waiting room. He stopped again in the entry when he saw that Gabby was talking to another woman. She was blond with blue eyes, crying loudly in Kelly's arms while Gabby was comforting her. This time, he approached them, calmy. Kelly had rested his eyes on him, Gabby did the same soon after. And finally, this woman he had never seen before. She wiped the tears that were still streaming down her cheeks and inhaled deeply, then exhaled.

"So? How is Matt?" Gabby asked.

He didn't look at her, looking at this blond woman with red eyes.

"Christie, meet Dr. Rhodes. He's treating Matt. Dr. Rhodes, meet Christie, Matt's sister".

Connor was surprised for a moment, before approaching his hand to shake hers.

"Nice to meet you", he said after Christie took his hand.

"I have to ask you again?" Gabby asked.

He turned his head toward her, and shook it slightly.

"No need, thanks".

He took a deep breath.

"Matt is awake. We extubated him and pulled the gastric tube out. He's still very weak but I think he's out of the wood now. We'll do his blood tests again just to be sure, we'll monitor him closely but everything will be alright soon".

"So... My brother is okay?"

Connor locked his gaze on Christie.

"He's far from okay ma'm. What Matt did to sleep, even a few hours, shows how his health is very fragile now. Although he probably didn't want to end his days, he swallowed fifty pills, which is not nothing. This is almost the lethal dose. If Kelly hadn't intervened very quickly, I think your brother couldn't have been saved".

Kelly fully opened his eyes, surprised by this speech. Connor knew that he was blaming himself for what happened to Matt, because he didn't hear him fall in the bedroom, and the doctor wanted to cheer him.

"W-what?" he said with a trembling voice.

"If you hand't intervened in time to call 911 and provided first aids, Matt would have never arrived in hospital alive".

Gabby finally understood: Connor thought that Kelly had called 911 and kept his cool to save Matt. Suddenly, Christie hugged Kelly tightly. She had tears in her eyes, but this time, it was tears of relief.

"Thank you...", she whispered. "Thank you for saving my little brother".

Kelly hugged her and closed his eyes.

"He's also my brother, Christie. I'd do everything for him".

Gabby and Connor smiled.

"We still can't see him?"

"Dr. Charles will talk to him when he will be awake, then he will come to see you and bring you next to him", Connor assured.

Gabby smiled at him very slightly and shook her head up to down.

"Thanks..."

He smiled in return and left the waiting room, leaving the two firefighters and Matt's sister inside it. Several hours passed in a calm tension. It was unexpected for the emergency physicians. Generally, night was a synonym of numerous accidents, especially on a friday night, as a large majority of young people came out of nightclubs, highly drunk and/or drugged, ending their eventful night in the ER.

Matt was still sleeping when Dr. Rhodes came again into the room about three hours later. His third blood results came back after he saw that in the second results, Matt was still under the effects of the sleeping pills. April paged him so he could see the results. He took the files ans read them attentively, comparing them to the last blood results.

"He's still under the effetcs of the benzodiazepine".

"Even after five hours?!"

"It can happen yes. He swallowed fifty pills, don't forget it. It takes some time to lessen their effects".

"How much extra time?"

Dr. Rhodes sighed, closing his eyes.

"I think in an hour or so, the effects should wear off".

He placed his hand on a still sleeping Matt's forehead.

"His temperature?"

"99,5 fifteen minutes ago".

"It shouldn't be this high".

"I check again?"

Connor nodded, then April took her thermometer and passed it on his forehead.

"I hope it's just a reaction due to the ingestion of these sleeping pills", Connor whispered.

"99,1".

Connor sighed in relief. It was just the sleeping pills. At the same time, Matt's eyes opened, making Connor smile.

"Our sleepy head is coming back!" he said calmly.

Matt turned his head toward this voice, and locked his gaze on Connor's. His left hand slipped to his mouth, but the oxygen mask avoided him to touch it. He frowned and Dr. Rhodes looked at the monitor.

"April? Go find me a nasal canula please, I think our man wants to talk".

"Right away".

She left the room, leaving the two men alone.

"You're thirsty?"

Matt closed his eyes, and slowly, he shook his head up to down. Connor took a glass and pourred water inside, took a straw, sat near his head and removed the breathing mask.

"Just a few sips for now".

He took the straw between his lips, and took a few sips. To his relief. So much relief he was groaning of pleasure, with his eyes closed.

"Your throat is dry, it's pretty normal", Connor confirmed, removing the straw and the glass of his vision. "You're better?"

"Y-yeah".

Matt frowned by hearing his voice. It was hoarse, as if he lost it.

"It's normal, don't worry. You've been intubated for a few hours. Do you remember what happened?"

Matt swallowed and looked in the vacuum, lost. He was thinking about what had happpened.

"Pills", he whispered so that his throat didn't hurt him.

"Correct. May I ask you some questions? Simple, just like the last time".

He nodded briefly. He knew it was the procedure. So he knew he had no choice, even if it was annoying.

"Can you tell me your name and the date?"

He cleared his throat, answering with a whisper and his eyes closed.

"Matt... Casey. Friday, march 25th. 2016. Last time I checked".

Instinctively, he looked the clock in front of him, and Connor said nothing, seeing he was focussing on it. Even if his vision was still blurred, he saw that it was 7 and a few minutes. And he saw no lights outside.

"It... It's 7am and... It's Saturday, march 26th?"

Connor shook his head up to down.

"Correct. 7:25am".

"Five hours..."

Matt closed his eyes: he was tired of not sleeping peacefully, or for a long time. He wanted to sleep for a long time and without nightmares.

"Do you know where you are?"

"Earth?"

This made Connor laugh, such as Matt. But he was interrupted by a coughing fit because of his dry throat. Dr. Rhodes grabbed the glass of water again and Matt took a few sips with the straw.

"I'll bring some ice chips later, but now, answer seriously".

Matt sighed.

"USA, Illinois, Chicago, Chicago Med... Still in the ER?"

"Yep. ICU are overflowed, we kept you here".

When he saw Matt nodding, he continued his check-up.

"Repeat after me: cigar, flower, door".

"Cigar... Flower... Door... I have to keep them in mind?"

"Yes, it's important".

"Okay".

"Can you spell 'world' backward?"

"Uh...D... L... R... O...W".

"Okay, do you remember the three words?"

"Uh... In order?"

"If possible".

"Uh... Door? Cigar? And... And I don't remember the last one..."

"Don't worry, it can happen, you're still under the effects of the pills".

Connor grabbed a pen in his hand and showed it to Matt.

"What is it?"

"A pen?"

Then he pointed to his watch.

"And this?"

"A watch. You're left-handed?" Matt asked, seeing he was wearing his watch to his right wrist.

"Yep, seems to be".

Matt feigned a smile, as Connor.

"Repeat after me: no ifs, ands or buts".

"No... Ifs? Ands? Or Buts? What is this phrase?"

"Annoying in every way, I know... Here. Take this paper with your left hand, fold it in half and put it on the floor".

So Matt took the paper with his left hand, folded it in half and threw it on the floor. Dr. Rhodes picked it up and wrote something on it.

"Do what is written on the paper".

Matt read it carefully. 'Close your eyes'. And then, he closed them slowly.

"Alright. Almost done. Copy this design shown".

Connor tended the paper to Matt, who grabbed it. And Matt copied the two overlapping polygons.

"Okay, one last thing. Write a complere sentence, with verb, subject, and correct semantics".

Matt thought, grabbing the pen that Connor tended to him. After several minutres, he wrote something and tended one last time the paper and the pen. Connor looked at what he wrote and stood up.

"Okay, now try to get some rest, the time for the pills to not be effective on you. You need to rest".

"Flower..."

Connor turned to Matt with a puzzled look on his face.

"What?"

"Flower... The last of the three words".

Then Matt turned his head to not face the doctor anymore. Matt was in a good apparent mental shape, indicating no damage due to the ingestion of the sleeping pills. After exiting the exam room, he looked at this paper again, at what Matt wrote. 'Why am I still alive?'

* * *

 **What will happen next:** **Matt will escape the hospital without attracting attention.**


	11. One step forward

Hello dear readers! I hope you're enjoying this sunny day (well, it's sunny here, but I don't know for you), and I give a new chapter to read to prepare your evening (I'm kind uh?)

Thank you so much for the reviews, didn't have much but this is the life (as Amy McDonald said in one of her song :D).

* * *

 ** _Previously on the fact chapter..._**

 ** _Matt is waking up slowly, and is desperate to have slept "just" a few short hours. Connor just neuro checked him and Matt seemed to be okay, but is he really okay?_**

 ** _And now, the next chapter..._**

* * *

 **Chapter 11 : One step forward**

Matt had his eyes closed, the wind twirling his dark blond hair, giving him a soft chill. He had just his hospital gown, nothing on it, nothing below it, he was almost totally naked. Cold was entering every cells of his body. He jumped the fence of the ledge and sat on it, his legs dangling in nearly 100 fts of vacuum. He didn't want to jump, he just wanted to enjoy this iced wind and this rising sun. But flashes were coming back in his head. So many flashes occupying his mind, images that he wanted to forget, that he would like to forget. But he couldn't, not anymore. Everything was overwhelming him and making him become a man he doesn't know, a man he couldn't even stop. It was stronger than him. His feet still in the vacuum, he closed his eyes, and he felt tears running down his cheeks. He ran his fingers over those cheeks to wipe them. He had never been this vulnerable, this fragile, this... Human. What his father had done to him had hardened him to the extreme. So hardened that it had become almost a sentimental statue: nothing affected him, nothing pleased him nor made him sad. Or it seemed to. He maintained that strong man appearance, to whom we entrusted everything, from romance to the most hidden fear. But basically, everything affected him, every situations made him feel good or bad. And what hurt him, he put them deep in his brain to forget it. It worked most of the time. But now, something was bothering him: how this little boy could undermine his shell at the point of destroying it in its entirety? He had never been so affected by a call. He remembered this little four year old boy: his face, his physical expression. Despite the smoke, he could see that he was blond with brown eyes. He had no shoes, no pants, just a shirt and underwear, simply. He pressed against himself a teddy, a gray and white rabbit. And what he first noticed was his face, his expression: there was no trace of fear, he didn't cry, he didn't panic. He simply looked at Hermann and he. Matt saw himself looking back, realizing that his colleague had thrown himself to the ground. And when he had looked toward the door, he saw this backdraft coming. At that time, his survival instinct was stronger than everything else. In a reflex moment, he also rushed to the ground, joining Hermann. He remembered then that there was this little boy to save and looked up. Just in time to see him drowned by flames. He realized that he didn't moved, he didn't cried when flames had come over him. Matt wondered why he had this reflex of survival rather than a rescue one for this child. He remade the scene in his head, with a different story each time, but every time, the child and he died. He recreated this scene at least a hundred times, but nothing changed. This whole thing surpassed him. He couldn't do it anymore...

* * *

Gabby had fallen asleep near Matt, after long hours of anguish and a session with Dr. Charles. He had allowed her to see him despite his weakness, because he knew she needed it, and so did Matt. And Kelly had returned to the apartment, reluctantly, but Gabby insisted. Asleep near the bed, she hadn't even heard that Matt escaped the hospital. So when she finally began to wake up and open her brown eyes, what was her surprise to find an empty bed and see that Matt wasn't there. Instinctively, she checked the bathroom but found no one. She went out, heading Maggie.

"Hey, have you seen Matt? He's not in his room".

Maggie turned to her, surprised.

"What?"

"Matt is not in the room".

She paged immediately Connor and Will, who came almost immediately.

"What is happening?"

"Casey is gone".

Both opened their mouth, but too surprised, they shut it.

"Maybe he's with Dr. Charles?"

"Who should be with me?"

Startled, they turned, Dr. Charles facing them.

"Casey is not in his room".

"You checked the roof and the garden?"

"The roof?!" Gabby said puzzled.

"To breathe some fresh air, or..."

"Or what?"

No one dared to speak, dared to admit the truth.

"Or what?!" Gabby repeated.

"Or he wants to finish his work".

"W-work?"

"Maybe he really wants to end his days? And that if he called you last night, it was to say goodbye and be forgiven?"

Gabby didn't believe it. She couldn't.

"I've already said, Matt isn't suicidal. He called me that night saying he had made a mistake and he just wanted to sleep without nightmares".

Will and Connor came back running and breathless. They'd gone check the roof and the garden.

"He's not on the roof".

"Neither in the garden".

Gabby bit her lip, worried.

"So. Gabby? Where do you think Matt could go?"

"Uh... Maybe the firehouse, his house, to his sister's, the cemetery".

"You can ask your friends to check?"

She nodded and grabbed her phone. But before finishing number one, her phone rang. It was a familiar number, she had seen it before. She picked.

"Hello?"

"Dawson?"

She recognized that voice, she had worked with this man for several months.

"Chief Tiberg?"

"Himself. I don't know if you can give me some informations, but would you know why your lieutenant is here in a hospital gown?"

She let out a cry of horror and ran her hand over her mouth.

"Matt is at the Academy? With you?!"

"Not quite with me but yes. He's on the roof, half in a vacuum. I tried to take him down but he got up and now is half on the edge of the roof".

"Oh my God... You are on the roof?"

"Yes, and I see him too".

"How he is?" Dr. Charles asked when Gabby turned the speaker.

"Lost, shaken, sad. And apparently ready to jump".

"We're here in a few minutes".

Gabby quickly hung up and ran to her car. She was closely followed by Connor, Will and Dr. Charles who also got into the car to go to the Academy. To Gabby, the journey was very long. She was terribly worried about the man she loved.

"Gabby, if you really think that Matt isn't suicidal, then you don't have to worry", the psychologist tried to reassure.

"Matt needs help, whether suicidal or not. And I'll be there for him. So when something happens, yes. I'm worried".

Once there, the three doctors and Gabby were joined by the guys from the first shift of the firehouse 51.

"Dawson".

"Lieutenant Lampers".

"What are you doing here?!"

"And you?"

"We were called for a suicidal man perched on a roof and ready to jump".

Gabby sighed, closing her eyes.

"He's not suicidal. Matt isn't suicidal".

"Matt? As... Matt Casey? Lieutenant Matt Casey? Your lieutenant and fiancé?"

She didn't answer verbally, as she was ready to cry. But she nodded, holding back the salt water ready to fall over her face.

"Raise the aerial for a rescue, but do nothing else. We will try to reason with him".

Lieutenant Lampers knew Gabby because she did some shifts with him. She knew what she was doing, despite her youth as a firefighter. He could trust her.

"Alright. But I go halfway. Just in case".

Lampers and Gabby looked at each other, but soon, Gabby gave up.

"Okay. Not higher. If you go further, you might scare him. He's already quite shaken like this".

The two teams parted, firefighters preparing the aerial and the doctors and Gabby coming on the roof and joining chief Tiberg.

"Chief Tiberg?"

Soon, Gabby focussed on Matt. She froze, watching the man she wanted more than anything, rocked by the wind and close to falling into the vacuum at every second of inattention. She was about to speak, but Dr. Charles stopped her.

"I'm going to talk to him. It would be more prudent".

After several seconds, Gabby took a step back. The psychiatrist turned to Matt, approaching slowly.

"Matt?"

Matt didn't move for a moment.

"Matt, I know you don't want to jump".

He still didn't move, didn't speak. Nothing. He stood there, motionless, almost suspended in vacuum.

"Can I go up?"

This time Matt moved: he shrugged. While Gabby and the other firefighters saw that sign as insignificant, for Dr. Charles it was a different story. That meant he was willing to listen, and speak. Thus, the psychologist hardly ascended the ledge and passed the railing to sit on it to talk to Matt. For his two colleagues doctors, it was unthinkable to see him do that.

"What the hell he's doing?" Will wondered.

"He'll talk to him", Connor stated. "And to succeed, he has to get into the same position as Casey".

Gabby didn't understand, looking incredulously the scene unfolding in front of her. The life of the man in her life was in the hands of someone she knew almost nothing.

"Matt? Will you sit down?" Dr. Charles asked.

But he didn't move. He remained a statue.

"I'm not going to jump. At least not voluntarily".

Charles seemed quite surprised.

"Usually people don't see me when... When I come here".

"And... And you come often?"

The wind interfered between the doctor and his patient.

"As soon as... I have blues", Matt confirmed. "And when it's dark. But I needed it right away".

"You have blues then..."

Matt looked down, sighing deeply. He then finally sat on the railing at the side of Dr. Charles.

"Let's say... I don't... I don't understand how... How this little boy can affect me this much".

The doctor decided to listen carefully. He wanted Matt to open up to him, he wanted to help him in any conceivable way.

"I experienced many problems in my life, that could have drowned me, but every time I come here, and... And after I finally put that memory in the back of my head. But..."

Matt stopped in mid-sentence. He shook his head from left to right, closing his eyes and biting his lips. He held a cry and a sob.

"But now, you didn't succeed".

This time Matt couldn't. He let escape this sob he held for so long, passing his hands over this face that was becoming wet.

"I tried. I tried..."

"Matt? Let me ask you something very hard".

Matt opened his eyes, putting them on the doctor who wanted to help.

"Can you tell me what this child looked like?"

The psychiatrist could now see fear, anguish, despair in Matt's eyes. He didn't want clearly to think about this child again, but nothing but raise the subject, he thought about it.

"Blond. Brown eyes. 4 years old, 5 at most. He... He was not afraid, he didn't cry, he... He just stood there, waiting... The flames devour him and... I don't know why I always... Always have the image of the boy who was watching us while we were on the ground and while... While... While he was dying..."

Although Dr. Charles was sad to hear that, he had found a logical explanation for this feeling that Matt was facing.

"I know that no long time ago, you... Gabby had a miscarriage?"

Matt swallowed nervously and avoided the gaze of the doctor.

"The pregnancy was not viable".

"I know. But I understand why you can't forget that little boy".

Although he didn't show it, Matt was waiting for the explanation of the man who wanted so much to help.

"I think that... That deep down of you, you didn't endured the loss of this baby as you may believe".

Seeing no response from Matt, he continued.

"I think... From the description you have done, you... You're saying to yourself that this child could have been yours. That it could have been the son of Gabby and you, the one you haven't had".

Indeed, if Matt and Gabby could have have a child... He could have been blond with brown eyes.

"You did what is called a transposition, a projection. Your deepest desire to have children, but having lost you own baby, you wanted to save this child because it could have been yours".

Matt still didn't speak, listening attentively to what the shrink said.

"This is one of the basic instincts in humanity, but sometimes it can act like a boomerang and cause debilitating phobias, delusions... And that's the case for you".

Dr. Charles knew that Matt had rehashed it in his head. After all, he was an experienced psychiatrist.

"I know that you have replayed the scene hundreds of times, but failed to save this child. This desire to save him when you didn't save yours..."

"BUT STOP WITH THAT!"

Matt's voice surprised everyone, as he rose and turned, almost opposite the doctor, his back to vacuum.

"You don't know how many deaths there have been around me! You know nothing about me, what I have endured for years! My mother killed my father to protect me! Protect! Me! My best friend died in front of me! Died! In front of me! My fiancee died in my arms! In! My arms! This girl in the explosion of the ER when Gabby was buried in the rubble, she had an epidural hematoma, and she died! Shay, Gabby's partner in the ambo and best friend had a subdural hematoma and she died! This little 10 month old baby Hermann saved to flames had a subdural hematoma and he died! And what about me, huh? I had an epidural hematoma, and I! AM! NOT! DEAD! Why am I still alive damnit! Why, can you tell me WHY?!"

Dr. Charles could find nothing wrong with this. In the space of just two minutes, he mentioned some of the most traumatic memories of his life. And each time, it had caused the death of a relative or a person he had tried to save. And the fact that he has had the same injuries but was still alive worsened his position.

"I know that... That it must be really hard. At once you could repress these feelings and images, and to feel them and see them again, but also to talk about it. But Matt, I made you a promise yesterday. And I'll keep it. I'll help you rebuild your shell, your shield. I promise".

* * *

 **What will happen next:** **I don't know what I will read yet, but I have an idea in head. Maybe Dr. Charles will find a new way to help Matt. And he will also share his diagnosis with Gabby and Kelly.**


	12. True or false?

Hello dear readers! Hope you had a good day. I'm working hard to find a way to "please" you, but it's hard.

Here is a new chapter: it's long, it's sometimes annoying BUT necessary to understand Matt's behavior and mind at this moment.

Hope you will like :-)

* * *

 _ **Previously, on the last chapter...**_

 _ **Matt escaped the hospital to go on the roof of the Firefighter Academy. Dr. Charles is trying to make him step back by talking with him about the little boy. And Matt revealed that he doesn't know why he survived and why everyone around him is dying.**_

 ** _And now, the next chapter..._**

* * *

 **Chapter 12: True or false?**

After a discussion on the roof of the firefighter Academy of Chicago, Matt agreed to follow Dr. Charles, Halstead, Rhodes and Gabby to the hospital. The shrink had recommended to place him on the psychiatric ward to keep a close eye on him, and also to help him better. But Matt didn't see it like this: he felt betrayed by this man he'd trusted, he felt overwtached from everywhere through the windows of the room in which he was now, locked in. At least, they didn't attached him, he was free to move, sort of: just the cardiac monitor and the IV pole were there to monitor his vitals and keep him hydrated because of the overdose. Kelly had been aware of the situation by lieutenant Lampers when he came back to the firehouse and the chief allowed him to leave the shift in one condition: do this shift later, but Kelly didn't care. What mattered the most right now was Matt's health and nothing else. Arriving to the hospital, he found Gabby in the ER, crying, totally lost, frightened. Completely overwhelmed by the situation. And although he asked for some informations, the doctors didn't give them any. As Dr. Charles, he wanted to know something. He wanted to confirm his diagnosis before sharing it with Gabby and Kelly, and let them face the hard reality. He entered the room after having knocked. Matt was curled up on himself, half seated, his legs glued to his torso, his arms around them, watching the sun shining.

"Matt? I know you want to be alone right now, but I have to do this before letting lock yourself into your inner world".

Seeing no reaction from Matt, he continued.

"I'll ask you some questions Matt, and I would like you to answer by true or false. And I would like you to tell me the truth".

Matt didn't even turn his head. In fact, he didn't move an inch since he'd been transferred into this lifeless room, with just this damn and this awful IV as companions.

"These answers will help me to help you better. And make you feel better. Can you do this?"

Dr. Charles was looking Matt closely: the slight gesture would say something. Without a word, Matt shrugged.

"Ok", the shrink said, almost in a whisper. "Some questions won't be easy, I'm aware about this, but the more you tell the truth, the more I will be able to help you".

No answer came from Matt. Therefore Dr. Charles began.

"I have a good appetite".

He let him the time to answer before asking again.

"False".

Although he was whispering, Dr. Charles understood what he was saying. Then he noted a F near the question.

"I wake up fresh and rested most mornings".

"False", Matt whispered after some seconds.

"No one seems to understand me".

A blank settled in the room before the shrink heard Matt take a deep breath.

"True".

"I am about as able to work as I ever was".

He saw Matt's hand move, gripping his knees, and his heartbeats slighty increasing but going down slowly a few seconds later.

"False".

Dr. Charles sighed inaudibly in relief: he asked this question in knowing the answer. He just wanted to be sure that Matt was telling the truth.

"My father was a good man".

Matt took a new deep breath, trying to calm his heartrate and also his breathing. Dr. Charles decided to not intervene, wishing to let some freedom on his emotions to Matt.

"I... Don't know".

"You don't know because you don't remember? Or because you don't want to answer?"

Matt sighed, closing his eyes.

"There were some moments when... When he was a father. But... Most of the time, he... He wasn't a father, my father".

Dr. Charles underlined a F and added a V near the question.

"Sometimes when I was young, I stole things".

The doctor heard Matt laugh slightly, smiling.

"True".

It was an answer the doctor wasn't really prepared. He thought he had all the answers to those questions he would ask, but he realized he was going to be surprised.

"My sleep is fitfull and disturbed".

"True".

"Much of the time, my head seems to hurt all over".

"True".

"I do not always tell the truth".

A new blank settled.

"True".

"I wish I could be as happy as others seem to be".

"... True".

"I feel that it's certainly best to keep my mouth shut when I'm in trouble".

"True".

"I have nightmares every few nights".

"I can't sleep, not the same thing".

"And if you could sleep, do you think you will have some?"

"Uh... Yeah", he answered simply. "All the time".

Dr. Charles noted a V near the question and continued.

"My hardest battles are with myself".

"True".

"Sometimes when I am not well, I'm irritable".

Once again, Matt smiled.

"No need to answer that question, you have the answer".

"No doubt, but I want to hear the answer from your mouth".

Matt heard himself sigh deeply. He was tired of theses stupid questions, but the only way to be alone was to answer by telling the truth.

"True".

"Much of the time, I feel as if I've done something wrong or evil".

"True".

"I get angry sometimes".

"True".

"Often, I can't understand why I have been so irritable and grouchy".

"True".

"I've never vomitted blood or coughed up blood".

Matt then remembered one of his first calls as a firefighter. He was young, pretty hothead, and he found himself under a pile of debris after a building exploded. He remembered that he had coughed blood because of a collapsed or punctured lung.

"False".

Dr. Charles was surprised by the answer. He didn't go further, he didn't ask why and when he vomitted blood once.

"I like to cook".

"Depends".

"Most of the time?"

"No".

"I used to keep a diary".

"False".

"I never had a fit or convulsion".

"False".

The shrink's eyes opened wide. He didn't think that the answer would be negative. He was curious, but right now, no time for his curiosity.

"I am afraid of losing my mind".

Once again, Matt sighed, watching the sun though the window.

"True".

"My mum is a good woman".

For some seconds, the monitor was the only thing interrumpting the silence settled.

"Until she killed my dad".

Dr. Charles nodded, noting a underlined V and a F with the question.

"It is safer to trust nobody".

"Depends".

"In general way I mean".

"Uh... F-false".

The doctor felt a hesitation. Matt didn't really know the answer.

"I am most sensible than most people".

"Physically false, mentally... True".

"I like children".

This question got Matt angry. Of course he like children, otherwise he wouldn't have wished to have some.

"True", he said frustrated, what the shrink felt.

"It makes me nervous when people ask me personal questions".

"Not nervous, uncomfortable".

The doctor wrote a V.

"I got many beatings when I was a child".

"According to my mom. I don't remember".

Once again, he took his pen and added a V near the question.

"I'm not afraid of fire".

Matt slightly laughed.

"I'm a firefighter. Of course I'm not scared of fire".

"Are you sure?"

This question escaped the shrink's lips, letting Matt questioning himself.

"After what you've experienced, are you sure to not be afraid of fire?"

Matt opened his mouth, but no sound came out. In fact, he didn't have the answer. He didn't know.

"Maybe... I will have bad memories? I-I don't know".

The doctor wrote a question mark.

"I feel unable to tell anyone all about myself".

"True".

"You feel unable to or you don't want to?"

Matt thought for a moment. He didn't have the choice but tell the truth. He sighed, closing his eyes.

"I don't want to. Because no one will understand me".

The doctor said nothing, letting Matt explain what he wanted to say. It was a good thing, explain things.

"Except by doctor's orders, I never take drugs or sleeping pills".

Matt didn't know what to say

"Most of the time".

It wasn't a lie: Matt took sometimes some sleeping pills without doctor's orders when he couldn't sleep. It was the case when Andy and Hallie died.

"The future seems hopeless for me".

For the first time since the beginning of the interrogatory, Matt lowered his gaze then closed his eyes. Inhaling and exhaling deeply. He had to tell the truth.

"True".

"When people do something that makes me angry, I let them know how I feel about it".

"False".

"I am very stubborn".

Matt let escape a laugh.

"True".

"I believe that people should keep personal problems to themselves".

"True".

"I hate goind to doctors, even when I'm sick".

"True".

"Sometimes I get so angry and upset I don't know what comes over me".

He took a deep breath, looking again though the window.

"True".

"The last questions will be hard to hear. But I want you to answer honestly. Okay?"

Dr. Charles waited for an answer from Matt before continuing. It was the most difficult time to pass, it was the moment Matt had to admit he was bad, that he needed help. His only answer was another shrug. Dr. Charles took a deep breath, and continued his questions.

"When my life gets difficult, it makes me want to just give up".

Matt swallowed nervously. This question had collided into his head, and he had to answer honestly. He wanted to get better, he wanted help. He wanted to rebuild this shield that made everyone believe he was strong. He hated being so weak. He wanted his life back. Therefore he took a deep breath and replied in turn with a trembling voice.

"True".

"I had had a tragic loss in ly life that I know I will never get over".

"True".

"I have already considered killing myself".

Matt suddenly thought. The Sleeping pills. Did anyone have really thought that he wanted to end his life? Should he tell true or false? And then he thought about his life before becoming a fireman, when his mother killed his father, when he had lost everything. He remembered the week he spent in his father's room, motionless, curled up on the floor, crying his father, crying his life, without food, without drinking almost anything. He had thought to end his life, but it was another era. It was a life he had forgotten.

"When my mom killed my dad".

"One last question and I leave you alone", the doctor assured. "Most of the time, I wish I were dead".

Matt's eyes widened and he turned urgently, eyes black of anger. How a doctor, a psychologist, could ask this to a patient. But seeing the face of the only person who could help him, he realized he was waiting for an answer, he expected the truth. He wanted answers to help him. Then he answered honestly, taking a deep breath.

"True".

Dr. Charles smiled back, standing up, ready to go.

"That's it? It's over? Just these damn questions and it's over?"

He turned then to his patient.

"Well, no, I'm not done. Have you played an intruments when you were younger, even today? Or sang?"

Matt looked at him, trying to pierce the facade in front of him, trying to understand if he was joking or not. But he seemed to be serious, very serious. Then he replied, shaking his head from left to right.

"Hockey but nothing else".

The doctor smiled.

"In that case, I'm going to bring some instruments for you. It will be usefull. I will also give you a computer okay?"

Why instrument if he didn't play? But before he can turn to ask a question, the psychiatrist was already gone. He came back a few moments later with arms charged and two nurses as charged.

"Here, as promised, I brought some instruments".

"I told you I never played".

"Oh, don't worry, knowing how to play or not, playing music can help to release. You trusted me until now, then trust me for this. Please".

After that, he left the room, pulling the curtains, so that Matt had more privacy. The doctor had also confidence in him after the answers he gave, it was clear that he wanted help and not to kill himslef. He then went to the ER to talk to Gabby and Kelly. The two friends hadn't moved an inch, still sitting, waiting for any news of Matt.

"Kelly? Gabby?"

Both startled, facing then the doctor.

"How is Matt? He's okay?"

He raised his hands, thinking about calming them down even a little, but he didn't know them.

"Easy, easy..."

Kelly clenched his fists, ready to scream, yell at the doctor but Gabby stopped him, wanting to make him understand that it was his job. He loosened his fists.

"Why you don't want us to see him?"

"For his own safety, actually. I think for now, it's safer for him to not come into contact with something or someone that could cause a... A stress or bad memories".

"We are bad memories for him? He told you this?"

"No, no, he said nothing. But you were there when he lived most of his... His bad memories. Seeing you could cause him more pain than anything else. You understand?"

"No! No, we don't understand!" Kelly exclaimed, rising. "I want to see Matt! We MUST see Matt!"

"It is not possible Kelly. Matt is very bad and he needs help. He asked for help. You tried to help, but it didn't work".

"He... He asked for help? He asked you for help?"

"A few minutes ago, I asked him several questions and I asked him to answer me honestly. It was a double meaning: if he answered frankly, then it meant he asked for help and in addition, I had information that could help me to confirm my diagnosis. If he didn't tell me the truth, then I also had other information and I would have known he wouldn't have wanted help".

"And?"

"And... He answered quite frankly I must say. I didn't think he would".

"So... So you have a diagnosis. Right?" Gabby asked softly, contrasting with the anger feeling by Kelly.

Dr. Charles sat in front of them, put his hands on his lap and nodded slightly.

"So?"

He took a deep breath.

"What he has lived throughout his life and tried to forget is in the process of gnawing from within. He constantly relives these events and tries to change the scenario so that what happened doesn't happen, he avoids or attempts to avoid anything that might cause him to relive these events, and is hyper vigilant".

This meant nothing for Gabby and Kelly. They didn't understand what was happening to Matt, and exclaimed it.

"Matt has what is called post-traumatic stress disorder. It can occur after a traumatic event in which the person has faced death, his own or another person. This event usually causes intense fear, helplessness or horror. For Matt, it was much more complicated: his life is full of traumatic events, but it seems that the trigger was this child he couldn't save. He has unconsciously connected this child to the child you could have but wasn't viable".

Gabby opened her eyes wide, then passed her right hand on her belly.

"T-the... The loss of our baby... Triggered all this?"

Gabby was in shock, she could not believe it.

"He's going through a period of depression. The overdose of sleeping pills is also within the symptoms, like drug abuse, fatigue, anxiety disorders, and so on".

"B-but... You said... T-that this child was the trigger, then... Why he didn't sink in... In depression before?"

"A PTSD may appear many years later. This delayed onset must occur after a traumatic shock trigger. For Matt, it's this child".

Gabby sighed, bowing her head and closing her eyes.

"We should have seen this before... I should have known this sooner, and help him..."

She ran her hands over her face. She cried. She was angry.

"It would have absolutely nothing changed Gabby. Its shell was so well built and strong that he didn't even realize what was happening himself. He's not even aware that what he did with those sleeping pills could have led to his death, he didn't realize that what he did at the Academy could have killed him. This is why you can't see him right now. He is no longer aware of what is right or wrong, good or bad. Seeing him would be good for you of course, but it wouldn't be a good thing for him. He would sink faster and further".

"So what are we doing right now? You expect us to leave you make your sleight of laps while we sit and wait?" Kelly threw at the doctor, very angry. "Matt is my friend! My brother! I won't abandon him!"

"I know what you may feel at this moment Kelly, but Matt didn't really need that while we talk".

"How dare you!"

"Okay, we'll compromise. We will find an agreement".

Kelly looked at him with so much anger... He knew he had to find a solution, and fast.

"We have rooms in the psychiatric ward with unilateral windows. We can look inside, but we can't see the outside world once inside".

"As in... Interrogation room?"

"Exactly. I know Matt doesn't really want any contact with the outside, as longer as he can avoid it. We shall change his room, and then you will see him. But he won't see you. You're okay with this?"

Kelly swallowed, and sat next to Gabby, appearing to be calmed.

"Matt is really bad, uh?"

Dr. Charles sighed.

"Indeed. Matt is really, really bad".

It was all Kelly wanted to know. Before accepting the offer.

* * *

 **What will happen next: Matt is sinkning deeper into his inner world, and Dr. Charles doesn't know what to do to help him get better. Maybe someone or something else can help him.**


	13. The good person

Hello dear readers, hope you're having or had a good day :-)

I already apologize for my mistakes, because I'm not a musician or a singer, and this chapter will have some music vocabulary. Indeed, French and english don't have the same notation (you will understand), so I have to do my reasearch in French AND in English (phew).

Anyway, I hope you will like this chapter and let me a review to help my future writing ^^

Have a good reading!

* * *

 **Chapter 13 : The good person**

A week had passed. A long and stressful week during which Matt was still going down, slowly but surely. He said he wanted help, but he didn't find the guy able to understand him and to talk with yet. Then he shut himself further, deeper into his inner world. His world, the one he built when he was younger to escape abuse of his father, this world in which everything was fine, where Matt was safe. But this world was just a facade, and even Dr. Charles couldn't enter it. He didn't know what to do to help Matt: he stopped talking three days ago, he stopped eating, he remained here watching outside through the window, motionless on his bed in a fetal position. At least, he was drinking, although it was a very few sips. The nurses then had the idea to mix his witer with some saline because he had removed his IV three days ago as well as the monitor. Being out of the wood, Dr. Charles had asked the same nurses to leave him alone, to just disturb him if necessary. But Matt was in real danger: if he continued like this, he would be out of reach forever. He had called Kelly and Gabby into his office urgently to explain the situation. Once seated, he sighed and removed his glasses.

"I don't know what to do anymore with Matt".

The two friends looked each other, surprised.

"B-but... You're the specialist. Aren't you?"

"He doesn't want to be treated, he doesn't want to be approached, he doesn't eat anymore, he doesn't talk either. He does nothing but watching through the window".

"He's in his world then".

Dr. Charles couldn't help but nod. He was trying to help Matt but he couldn't.

"We'd warned you it will happen. You told us he wanted help, but by doing this, he says quite the contrary".

"It's not he doesn't want my help, he thinks and knows that I can't really understand what he went through and what he's going through".

"Because you didn't experienced it".

No need to nod this time, the two friends were right.

"I... We need to find someone who experienced this, and went through this hell".

Gabby and Kelly turned their head, staring at each other.

"Herrmann", they said at the same time.

"Herrmann?"

"He was his partner on that call".

"The one who triggered all this?"

"Yeah. He has five kids, and..."

Gabby couldn't finish, still emotional when there were children on those calls.

"He did the same as Matt, he did a transposition with one of his own children", Kelly continued when he understood why she stopped. "You thinks he can help?"

"Possible. I need to talk to him first, just to be sure. But I believe he can help, indeed".

"And if it's not the case?"

The psychiatrist sighed, bitting his lip, thinking.

"Do you know a firefighter who experienced a similar situation? Man or woman, no matter. What matters is to find the good person to help Matt and talk to him".

"Euh... We can ask around? It costs nothing".

Dr. Charles allowed them to see Matt from the hallway. Matt couldn't see them, but they could see him. Seeing him, Gabby passed one of her hands over her mouth and let out a gasp. She cloesed her eyes and let herself invade by emotions.

"He... He lost weight...", she finally said in a whisper between sobs.

"As I told you, he stopped eating. We's still drinking so we're mixing his water with saline to keep him hydrated and allow his body to work a minimum. But in long term, he'll wither".

"Self-destruction?"

"Yes".

"And you can't do anything? Restrain him or... Or I don't know, force him to eat?"

"If I order this, he'll be out of control, we can no longer do anything for him. PTSD is hard to manage, often taken lightly. You rush the person and he slips through your fingers. We must act smoothly".

"But Matt is killing himself by inches!"

Kelly couldn't hold his anger.

"The first days, he took refuge in music, but... But now, he doesn't play anymore".

Dr. Charles then remembered the first time he heard Matt playing.

* * *

 _Matt were still looking at the intruments brought by Dr. Charles and two nurses. He didn't know what to do with them: he never played an intrument. He touched some of them, playing with keys or strings. One instrument had his attention: he had a good soung according to his mind. He decided to do a research on internet to see how to hold and play it, watching attentively every videos he could find. After twenty minutes, he decided to try. He took the instrument, closed his eyes and began to play. He was paying notes that passed through his mind, without any sense. Surprised to hear this, the shrink decidedd to move forward Matt to see what he was doing. Understanding what was happening, he went down to the ER to find one of the physicians._

 _"Dr. Manning?"_

 _She turned to the psychiatrist, startled._

 _"Dr. Charles! May I help you?"_

 _"I need your... Experience in the psychiatric ward"._

 _"In.. but I've never followed any course of psychiatry!"_

 _"Not as a doctor, an a musician"._

 _"Oh", she finally saidn lowering her head a bit. "I follow you then"._

 _Natalie followed the shrink to the psychiatric ward, and by opening the doors, she stopped._

 _"Oah"._

 _She let this bewitching melody indade her body, her mind, closing her eyes and breathign deeply._

 _"Everything's all right Dr. Manning?"_

 _"It's... One of your patients?"_

 _The doctor smiled and asked the young women to follow him to one of the rooms._

 _"Casey?" she whispered after a moment._

 _He nodded, looking the doctor closer. She was asthonished, hypnotized by this song. But hearing better and closer, she wanted to cry. This melody was filled with emotions she never expected to experience again._

 _"Dr. Manning?"_

 _She shed a few tears. Her amotions were overwhelmed._

 _"There are... So much... Sadness and rage in this melody..."_

 _Dr. Charles understood the distress of the yound woman. He knew she went trough hell after the death of her husband in Afghanistan, and even more when she heard she was pregnant of him._

 _"You know what is impressive?"_

 _"What"._

 _The two doctors were still whispering to not bother anyone, allowing the crew to listen and live this complain._

 _"Matt told me he never played music,nor sang"._

 _Natalie's jaw dropped. She couldn't believe it._

 _"It's impossible... We need years and years of practice to have this level. Violonist isn't an improvisation"._

 _Violon was one of the most difficult instrument to master. Just to learn how to hold the instrument and the bow, the player needed a few sessions. Then playing violon and mastering it, it took years._

 _"If you hadn't told me he never played, I would have bet he played violon all his life"._

 _"But it's not the case. It's his first time"._

 _"Then he had a gift"._

 _Suddenly, the music stopped. Matt opened his eyes and jumped. In front of him, there were all the nurses and doctors from the psychiatric ward. He remained open-mouthed a moment, until they went away. All but Dr. Charles and Dr. Manning. They closed the door while Matt put the violon on a table and sat on the bed._

 _"You told me you never played but you lied"._

 _In fact, Dr. Charles was trying to see if Matt told the truth._

 _"I didn't lie. I watched on internet"._

 _Dr. Manning frowned very slightly._

 _"You mean... You learned in a few minutes?"_

 _"Twenty. To be exact"._

 _She couldn't believe it, and she showed it._

 _"You have chosen the piano, I would have believed you, but violon?"_

 _Matt didn't reply. In fact, he wasn't understanding._

 _"Can you do a B flat? With your voice?"_

 _"Uh... B flat?"_

 _The young woman had then a great idea: she might understood what was happening._

 _"Why you chose violon?"_

 _"I... I don't know. Just... Sounds came at me in a better way, I don't know"._

 _She walked then over the piano and pushed a key._

 _"What is this note?"_

 _"Uh... F?"_

 _"You can sing it?"_

 _First reluctant, Matt sang this note successfully. A smile exploded on the doctor's face, leaving theshrink puzzled._

 _"Dr. Manning?"_

 _"I think I have an explanation"._

 _One of the doctor's eyebrow rose, waiting the possible explanation while Matt straightened._

 _"We call this a passive absolute hearing. Matt is able to play, recognize the notes and their pitch, name them, but he's unable to sing a note without a reference"._

 _"And..."_

 _"And it's impossible. Are you sure you've never played before?"_

 _"Yes, I'm sure, I've never played before", Matt said a little upset to not be believed._

 _"Usually, there is a case on thousand. If someone learns music and/or solfège bafore seven, he develops his ears and they become absolute in 95% of cases. It's rare to see someone developping this ability after seven, but even more rare or impossible to develop it wihout suspicion"._

 _"You mean..."_

 _"Matt shouldn't have this gift, yes. Practically impossible"._

* * *

Since this moment, Matt played violon every day, sometimes with Dr. Manning, but three days ago, he stopped playing. And since that day, he stopped eating, talking. He just stayed there not moving.

"I think your colleague won't be sufficient. We need to find someone else, someone he doesn't know".

Kelly thought about someone. He heard this story on the radio but he neve rhad the confirmation.

"I think I've got someone".

Gabby and Dr. Charles turned to him, puzzled.

"Couple years ago, a firefighter had a similar call, a few days after the miscarry of his wife".

"You can call him?"

"Not directly. I'll contact my friends and I keep you updated".

Kelly wanted to help his best friend, his brother in arms. He called all his friends to know how to contact the man he needed, in vain. His last call was his father. He dialed his number and put his phone at his ear.

"Kelly? There's a problem?"

"I can call my dad without any problem between us?" he asked in an upset tone.

He sighed, closing his eyes and whismering some excuses.

"Kelly, you never call me, except if you need my help. What it's happening?"

Severide felt anwiety in his father's voice.

"I don't need you help, but Matt does. Uh... Do you know someone you can contact a very precise person?"

"Tell me his name and I tell you".

"Uh... He's captain now. Captain Esposito, firefighter in Milwaukee".

"Ah... I see".

"You know him?"

"Sort of. He started at 51 before moving in Milwaukee and being tranfered there. I don't have new of him for years".

"Welln I need to contact him. It's urgent".

"Like?"

Kelly bit his lips. He sighed again.

"Like if we do nothing, Matt will kill himself".

His father said nothing, understanding the situation. He knew that his son and Matt were very close since the Academy, and they would do everything for each other.

"I will search, and I'll call you okay? I do it as fast as I can".

"If you can talk to him, tell him to call Dr. Charles in Chicago Med. Pleaase".

He hung up. Kelly didn't know what to do either. He felt someone near him while he had still his eyes closed, then a hand same on his shoulder.

"You alright?"

It was Dr. Charles. Without warning, nor knowing why he reacted like this, Kelly abruptly pulled away this hand on his shoulder and faced the doctor.

"How I can be alright, uh?! My best friend is killing himself by inches, we can do nothing, and you ask me if I'm alright?!"

His breathing shallow, his heart beating a mile a minute, anger in his eyes, Kelly slipped to the ground. All this was overwhelming him by far. He felt powerless: he wanted to help, but he couldn't.

"I can understand the situation, but in no time, Matt will be your beloving brother again. I promise".

Couple hours later, someone arrived in the ER and came to the reception. Dr. Charles was there to have a consultation with some patients.

"You're Dr. Charles?"

He turned. A man, rather skinny, early forty was posted there without moving.

"May I help you?"

"I've been contacted by... Nevermind. He asked me to contact Dr. Charles at Chicago Med".

"That's me. Who contacted you?"

"Benny Severide. He told me it was urgent and... Anyway, I owed him, so I came".

The doctor reminded that Kelly's family name was Severide. He surely had contacted his family to find this firefighter.

"Indeed, it's an emergency. Uh... Can we talk in my office? I'll explain".

The firefighter followed him, seated and asked for explanations.

"I have a patient who needs your help. He's a firefighter and... He's facing a rather difficult period. I can't tell you much but his story seems similar to yours. He's... Closed in on himself and he just wants to talk to someone able to understand him".

He stopped his evasive explanation, looking the firefighter in front of him who looked puzzled.

"Me?"

"Yes. I tried to help, but he's rejecting me now. He doesn't eat anymore, or talk, he just watches the sky motionless. That's all he's doing".

The firefighter nodded slightly. He went through this before.

"I... Don't know if I'm the right person, I... I've never really talked about this with one of my colleagues to help him with what he experienced".

"Most of the time, people felt powerless when they're in face of someone who experienced the same situation. I can see you have a special and symbolic pendant".

He lowered his head, taking his medal into his hands.

"It shows how far I fell down, and how I escaped hell. How I went through hell".

"Then tell yourself that what you did to have this pendant... It's the same thing to do with him".

It was going to be hard, but the captain accepted. It scared him to have the shrink role, but if it could help one of his borthers.

"What's his name?"

"Matt. Matt Casey. I'll bring you to his room".

They left the office and went to the psychiatric ward. Just in face of the nurse reception, it was the room of Matt. He was still in the same position, looking outside, his legs glued to his chest and his arms around them.

"He can see us?"

"No, we can see inside, but we can't see from the inside. Matt is pretty... Well, he has trouble with people's look".

"I get it. Cna you tell me more about him?"

"Unfortunately no. The less you know about him, the more it'll be benefic for him. He has to do this step. Otherwise he will feel this as treason".

The firefighter nodded and stepped forward. He knocked and entered the room. He remained still a few seconds, the time to observe this man he didn't know. He hadn't moved an inch, even an eyebrow. So he took a deep breath.

"Hey Matt".

Matt didn't turn his head, he was still looking through the window.

"Get out. I don't know you".

"I don't know you either. But I can help you".

Matt said nothing, he didn't want to. He just wanted to be alone, simply alone. He heard the man taking a few steps and closing the door. He thought the man left the room, but then he heard him take a new deep breath. The man he didn't want to have beside him was still there.

"Eight years ago, I was a firefighter. Just like you".

"And?" Matt replied, upset. "It allows you to talk to me? To understand me?"

"My wife was five month old pregnant. She had a pre-eclampsia. It could have killed her, but she pulled through. Not our baby. Our little baby girl was stillbirth".

He stopped a moment, trying to break Matt's shell, trying to see his reaction. But he didn't react, then he continued.

"A few weeks later, I had a call. A structure fire, and... And there was this... This little girl. She uh... She was what, three? Maybe four? But... I couldn't save her. I... I just look behind me one last time, and... And I saw her swalloed by flames".

Matt had clsoed his eyes, reliving this moment with the man near him. His fingers clenched on his knees, his breathing became more shallow, he felt his heart beating faster in his chest. Matt could feel the emotion in the man's voice, he felt what he went through. Because he experienced it.

"I quickly sunk into alcoholism and depression after that. I... I thought that... That if I couldn't save this little girl, why I'm still a firefighter? I doesn't deserve to be a part of this family anymore. Being a firefightern it's saving lives, and not saving one... It was a shame for me".

Deep down, Matt knew perfectly what the man meant. Because he felt the same. Without knowing why, nor understanding why Matt felt a tear coming down his cheek. Why he felt like this?

"At first, I didn't want any help. No one could understand me, no one could understand what I was feeling. Until I spoke to someone who experienced the same situation as me. He helped me recover. Slowly, but surely. Today, I have to help someone who needs help".

"Who told you I want your help?" Matt threw then in a freezing tone.

The firefighter sighed slightly, coming a little closer.

"If you didn't want my help, you would have thrown yourself on me and got me out. It's not the case", he explained in a calm tone.

Matt didn't answer, and the captain continued.

"You need someone who can understand your pain, who can help you to... To rebuild yourself physically and mentally. I can help you".

For the first time, Matt turned his head toward his man he didn't know. He fixed him from head to toes: a skinny man, forty years old with dark air graying, simple clothes. Matt guessed there wasn't a ling time since he escaped his hell. As Esposito, he was seeing Matt's face for the first time. A blond haired man, a little younger than him, with dark circles under his eyes as if he hadn't slept for several days. He was a ghost. Matt then crossed his legs, placing his hands on his laps and straightened his head. Esposito understood what Matt meant by doing this: he accepted his help and wanted to have him in front of him to talk. What Matt did, it was the most difficult step he had to do. Finally accepting some help.


	14. Lemon meringue pie

Hello there! Thank you for all the review you left me! They went all directly into my heart and helped me to write this chapter!

Have a good reading!

* * *

 _ **Previsouly, on the last chapter...**_

 _ **Dr. Charles didn't know what to do anymore with Matt and asked for some external help. He met then another firefighter who had faced the same situation than Matt. And Matt was on the verge to accept his help.**_

 _ **And now, the nect chapter**_

* * *

 **Chapter 14: Lemon meringue pie**

Esposito sat in front of Matt, in the same position : crossed legs, his hands on his laps.

"You seem tired", he said, breaking the silence.

"I can't sleep", Matt admitted.

"Still the same scene in your head?"

"What Dr. Charles told you?"

This question, Esposito remembered asking it when someone had come to help him. But what he really wanted to know was if someone had told him everything.

"He told me nothing. Just that one of his patients needed my help because I'd faced a similar situation".

Matt lowered his head, looking down at his hands.

"How... I can call you?"

This made Esposito smile. At least, Matt was searching his contact. Or he was acting really well.

"You can call me Carlos".

He saw Matt nod very slightly.

"Y-you... Had any other children? After that?"

That. He also tended to talk about 'that' when he was talking about this tragedy. It was still hurting sometimes, but he was getting better every day.

"Well, my wife is pregnant, fourth month. A little boy".

Suddenly, Matt closed abruptly his eyes, passing one of his hand over his temple and wincing. Esposito understood immediately that Matt was having a flashback when he didn't hear him breathe anymore. He got up, passed behind Matt and rubbed his back in circles, smoothly. He didn't know whether Matt would be startled or not, but he remembered that it made him feel better when he had a flash.

"Listen to my breathing Matt. Listen to it...", he murmured into his left ear.

Without controlling what he was doing, Matt tended his ears while Carlos moved closer to him. Gradually, his breathing unlocked. First highly erratic, inspirations became deeper after a few minutes. He hadn't moved an inch: his eyes were still closed, his right hand over his temple, his legs crossed.

"That's great Matt. Keep going".

The features on his face began to fade, he moved away his hand to place it again on his thigh, keeping his eyes closed.

"Wanna vomit?"

Matt bit his lower lips and slowly, he nodded. He could feel the world around him turning despite his closed eyes.

"I'll be right back".

Carlos got up, ran toward the door, opened it and passed his head outside the room.

"Do you have a basin or anything?" he asked nobody in particular.

The nurse at the reception stood up and handed him a small bowl. He thanked her, closed the door and came back where he was several seconds ago. He took one of Matt's hands on his own to lift it up and put the bowl on his laps, then placed his hands on it.

"There is a bowl right here, in your hand. Keep taking some deep breaths, nausea should go away shortly".

Helping Matt, Carlos remembered everything that happened since his own accident, eight years ago. Every seconds passsed, what he had done or not. Thinking back to a detail of his past, he frowned.

"Did you eat today?"

He knew it wasn't the case, Dr. Charles had told him he stopped eating, but he was still drinking. Still unable to talk, Matt shook his head from side to side.

"Eat something, even a spoonful can calm this. You wanna try?"

Matt didn't answered, but approached the bowl he had on his hand. He couldn't hold his nausea anymore. He threw up, if it could be called vomit. It was just bile, because there was nothing into his stomach. Therefore, acidity was coming up in his throat and was burning him from the inside. This awful, uncomfortable and unbelievable sensation. Carlos grabbed the plastic jar and the glass and pourred some water.

"Here. Drink this, it will calm the acidity", he affirmed.

Matt was still unable to move an inch, torn by pain and cramps. Carlos put back the glass on the tray and got up to open the door again.

"It's me again, sorry. Do you have a straw?"

The nurse nodded and gave it to him, then Carlos locked himself into the room with Matt. He placed the straw in the glass of water and put it on Matt's lips.

"You just have to open your mouth a bit, I asked for a straw".

After a few seconds, after a second wave of nausea, Matt opened his mouth slightly, enough to pass the straw between his lips. Matt aspirated slowly the content of the glass and swallowed. In an instant, he felt his throat become the one it was and nausea faded. Matt whispered some unecessary excuses while opening his eyes. His vision was blurred, he was dizzy, he felt bad.

"You want to eat something?"

"I'm not hungry", Matt stated.

Deep down, Carlos knew it was a lie. He didn't eat in three days, he could hear his stomach growling from where he was.

"Okay. Can we do a contract between us? We swear to never lie to each other and always tell the truth".

Matt gazed at Carlos as he smiled slightly.

"You're still not hungry?"

Matt looked down again. He didn't know if it was because he wasn't hungry or because he didn't want to eat.

"I-I... Don't know", he admitted.

"It's useless to starve yourself".

"It's useless to drink alcohol until sinking into a coma", Matt let out of his mouth.

Carlos stepped back looking at Matt, frowning.

"Sorry", Matt murmured.

"It's nothing".

"It's not... I'm not hungry, it's just... I don't know, food has no taste".

"Ah, I see. I'll ask the shrink if you can come out of this room for a ride".

Matt raised his head again, surprised and puzzled.

"At the cafeteria. There must be something you wanna eat out there, right?"

He shrugged, turning his gaze to the window.

"Okay, I'll be right back in a few minutes".

Carlso got up, leaving the room by closing the door behind him and came back at the reception.

"You again? Need something else?" the same nurse asked.

"Uh... Do you know where Dr. Charles is?"

"Surely in the ER. You want to see him?"

"Uh, maybe you can help me. Do you know if Matt is allowed to leave his room for a ride?"

"Dr. Charles doesn't allow us to have any contact with him, only if necessary".

"Meaning?"

"Bringing him some water mainly".

"That's all?"

The nurse nodded, asking herself about this interragation.

"I know why he stopped eating, why he doesn't sleep, why he stays here watching outside. He needs to go outside. Locking him in this room is restricting his movments, and this forces him to think again and again at what he saw and experienced. Stay locked in there will kill him".

"I page Dr. Charles".

She grabbed her pager and called the psychiatrist while Carlos thanked her. After five minutes, Dr. Charles arrived and Carlos blocked his way.

"You don't allow any output?!"

"For his own safety, yes".

"His own safety?! If he doesn't go out, then he will hurt himself, which is already the case because he doesn't eat anymore, he doesn't sleep anymore and he's watching outside motionless at major part of the day!"

The shrink rose his hands in peace, trying to calm Carlos.

"If you may explain..."

"Simple: Matt needs to go out. If you locked himself in, he will continue to think about what happened and it will kill him. You got it now?"

Dr. Charles didn't really know what to say. To tell the truth, he didn't ever think about it, he didn't think it will kill Matt by inches.

"Alright, you can bring him outside the room, but inside the hospital. Nowhere else".

"The hospital, meaning? The building or..."

"He can go to the park if he wants, but keep an eye on him. He's running fast, a real ninja. He already escaped once, when he was under our watch".

"Thank you doctor. It will make him feel better for sure".

Carlos entered the room again and saw that Matt hadn't moved an inch. He sat beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder softly.

"Matt?"

He glared at him.

"Before going out, you have to promise something. We stay together".

After several seconds, Matt nodded and Carlos helped Matt to stand up. But the fact that he didn't eat in three days and vomitted not a long time ago had made him become very weak, he couldn't bear his own weight.

"Ok, ok. We'll sit again for a moment okay?"

Carlos held Matt when he tried to sit on the bed, scared that he might fall to the ground and hurt himself.

"I'll grab something more appropriate".

He got out of the room again and came back a few seconds later with a wheelchair. He helped Matt to sit in it and brought him outside, in the park. Matt closed his eyes and raised his head, enjoying this sun he had missed on his skin. It had missed him so much, he growled in pleasure.

"It's good, isn't it?"

Matt nodded, his eyes closed. They stopped near a bench and Carlos sat on it, Matt still in this wheelchair, the sun hitting his back so that Matt could open his eyes.

"You feel better Matt?"

"Mh".

"This is not an anwser, you know?"

This made Matt slightly smile, who answered almmost immediately.

"Yes".

"No nausea?"

"Still there".

"And what if we eat a bit? Something you really want?"

Although he said food didn't have taste anymore, Matt was having a huge desire of lemon meringue pie. He didn't know why, he had this envy for days.

"I... A pie? Lemon pie with meringue?"

Carlos sketched a smile before getting up.

"Here we go then! His cafeteria has a terrasse?" the firefighter asked.

Matt nodded, stopping a new wave of nausea. Arrived at the cash registrer, Carlos asked for a lemon meringue pie and a chocolate cake, then they left for the terrasse to continue their sun bath. He put the pie in front of Matt, but he didn't eat.

"You can eat it, you know?"

"I... I have a question".

"Mh, go ahead", he simply asnwered, swallowing a spoon of chocolate cake.

"It took you how long? Before... Pulling through this?"

"Uh... Well..."

Carlos then remembered the contract between them: always tell the truth.

"I began to really want getting out of it when my wife got pregnant again. At first, it made me sink deeper because I didn't want to face this again. But... Having this child also meant to draw a line on the past".

"And... Today?"

"Today, I'm still thinking about it sometimes. We can't forget this scene, you just have to learn how to deal with it".

Matt looked down at the pie waiting for him. Carefully, he took his spoin and plunged it inside. He brought then the spoon to his mouth and stuffed it inside. The taste of lemon was so marked that the flavors exploded in his mouth. He closed his eyes, happily enjoying this wanted pie.

"It's great, uh?"

Matt nodded. It was the best bit of pie he ever ate in his life.

"When we want to eat something, flavors are increased tenfold".

Matt couldn't believe to remain amazed by a piece of pie. He was devouring it slowly, ad if it was the first time. This made Carlos laugh before becoming serious again.

"And you Matt? What did you live in your life not a long time ago?"

Matt stopped his movments, he stopped chewing, his face became paler than before. Carlos had struck a nerve, but he eventually had to get there.

"I don't want to talk about it".

"I didn't want either, but I did. Always tell the truth, remember?"

"I tell the truth. I don't want to talk about it".

"It will make you feel better, you know? Even a few details".

"You already know my story".

Carlos shook his head from side to side before noticing that Matt had lowered his head and he couldn't see him.

"I just know that your story is similar to mine. Nothing more".

"You know enough", Matt replied coldly.

Carlos looked at him carefully: he was shivering despite the heat, his breathing was becoming faster, sweat running down his forehead. Matt was having a new crisis.

"Okay. We don't talk about this anymmore".

Carlos waited for Matt to calm down.

"You wanna drink something? Orange juice, cola..."

"I'm not thirsty. Not yet".

"Okay. You wanna stay a moment outside?"

"A little, yes".

Afer Matt finished to eat his piece of pie, they came in the park again, Carlos pushing the wheelchair and Matt enjoying the sun. After a long hour, Carlos sat on the same bench. He sighed.

"It will seem rude for you Matt, but... You told me sooner that you couldn't sleep, but have you tried?"

Matt swallowed nervously.

"Each time, the image comes into my head again, as soon as I close my eyes".

"I have an idea then. You want to try?"

Insure, Matt wanted to try. He nodded. Carlos smiled, they came back into the room, and he helped Matt to get onto bed.

"Okay. I want you to relax, slowly. Imagine the person you love the most massaging you".

Matt allowed himself to be gradually captivated by his voice. He didn't know how he did it, but every muscle in his body were relaxing, one by one. After a few minutes, Carlos continued.

"Now, think about this sun, this sky you love so much. The one you're watching every day".

Slowly but surely, Matt began to feel the tiredness he had accumulated so far. His eyelids became so heavy, he couldn't even keep them open.

"Don't fight Matt. Leave this sun and its heat come over you".

Matt allowed himself to be lulled by this voice, finally willing to plunge into the darkness and silence, slowly.

"That's it Matt, think about this beautiful sun shining", Carlos whispered.

At the same time, Dr. Charles appeared near the door. He was close to open it but the fireman waved him not to do this. He looked at Matt's eyes: they were moving in all directions, he was immersed in a world of dreams and imagination. Finally. Slowly, Carlos stood up and left the room with the least possible noise.

"How did you do this?"

Dr. Charles asked whispering, amazed by this performance.

"I learned hypnosis in my therapy. It helps. I focused him on the sun and the sky, and he fell asleep".

"All went as expected?"

"yes, and no. he doesn't want to want about what happened, but he ate a piece of pie and we talked when we walked in the park".

Dr. Charles was amazed by Carlos and his efficiency. He had managed to do in not even half a day what he had tried to obtain in days. Carlos was really the perfect person for Matt.

* * *

 **What will happen next:** **I don't know yet! So if you leave me a review, maybe I will have some inspiration ^^**


	15. Fear

Hello hello! Are you waiting for a next chapter? Yeah? Then here it comes!

I didn't update this week (I mean this story) because I'm working with inspiration and I didn't have any. I had a lot with Stay Alive, but not more. It will come but sometimes I need exta time to do it ^^

Anyway, have a nice reading and please leave me a review at the end of the chapter ^^

* * *

 _ **Previously, on the last chapter...**_

 _ **Matt met Carlos and incredibly, he allows the firefighter to stay with him, go outside his room and even eat. Something that Dr. Charles hadn't done in almost a week. Matt and Carlos also agreed to never lie at each other.**_

 _ **And now, the next chapter...**_

* * *

 **Chapter 15: Fear**

The next day, Matt opened his eyes when the sunlight came to kiss his left cheek. Dazzled at first, he turned his head toward this bright star to enjoy its warmth. It started smiling slightly. It was the first complete night he had since the incident. He didn't wake up for ten hours and it made him fell good. He never felt this good in reality. He heard the door open slowly, someone enter, trying to make the less noise possible. He opened his eyes again, turning his head to see who it was. A nurse. Seeing Matt's gaze, she stopped wakling, almost frightened.

"Oh, Sorry. I didn't want to wake you", she said in a whisper, intimidated by him.

"I was awake".

"Oh".

The nurse didn't know what to do, or what to say. She was remembering that Dr. Charles giving his orders: any contact with Matt would be minimal. It was forbidden. So she remained still, petrified.

"I'm not going to eat you, you know".

She forced a smiled, and come closer. He wanted to ask why she was scared, but he didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. She had a big bottle of water mixed with saline, keeping him hydrated because he wasn't eating. He knew he should eat, but he wasn't really hungry. She put the bottle on the tray near the bed, continuing to smile despite the fear invading her.

"You're scared".

Matt looked down, the turned to the window to admire the sun rising slowly. He heard the nurse open the door again to get out of the room. This meeting with this woman had totally disturbed him: everyone was scared of him. Without any control of his emotions, he felt some tears streaming down his cheeks and fall on the sheets. He was angry at this nurse, because although the day had just started, she had just ruined it.

* * *

Couple hours later, just after lunch, Carlos arrived in the psychiatric ward to spend another afternoon with Matt. He gazed in the room, watching Matt turned toward the window, as the first time they had met the day before. He stopped at the nurses' station to have some news before entering.

"How is he?"

The same nurse who gave him the bottle came beside him, looking in the room too.

"I think that... He didn't move an inch since this morning. And the bottle I gave him is still full. He didn't touch it".

Puzzled, Carlos frowned. This wasn't good.

"I thin it's my fault", she finally admitted, looking down. "I thought I had woken him up and... And when he turned to me, I was like... Petrified. I was scared that Dr. Charles..."

"Would see you talking to him and would fire you?" he interrupted.

She closed her eyes and nodded.

"He... He saw my fear, so he turned to the window and since then, he didn't move".

"I get it. Do you know how to be forgiven?"

Thsi time, the nurse was the one puzzled.

"Give him a piece of lemon meringue pie. It will please him for sure".

She smiled, nodding again.

"I think I can do that. But he will eat it?"

"Oh, I'm pretty sure he will", he assured before moving away.

He knocked, then entered. Matt didn't even move an inch. Carlos then thought that Matt was resting, but moving closer, he could hear his sobs. Was he hurt? Was he feeling bad? Was he sad because of the nurse of something else?

"Matt?"

But Matt was still crying. He cried the whole morning without interruption. To the point of having a headache and red and swollen eyes. He wasn't this kind of guys, but it was much stronger than him.

"I'm scaring everyone...", he finally managed to whisper between two sobs.

"What? No, no. You didn't scare her this morning Matt".

He walked closer, sitting on the bed beside him, rubbing gently the palm of his left hand in his back to try to calm him down.

"She was scared of Dr. Charles. Not you, I promise".

"The... Shrink?"

"Well, he basically asked to nurse to minimize their contact with you. I already had an argument with him about this yesterday. She was scared that Dr. Charles would see her talking to you and fire her. She wasn't scared of you".

Matt finally opened his red wet eyes, metting his gaze. He wanted so much to trust Carlos, he wanted to read the truth on his face.

"I promise. It's the truth. Never lying to each other, remember?"

Matt did remember. Deep down, he knew it was the truth, but her behavior was too much to bear for him. Carlos took about ten minutes to calm Matt, trying to lessen his sobs, trying to cheer him up.

"You good now?" Carlos asked after those ten minutes.

Matt nodded slightly.

"You hungry or thirsty? Or both?"

He was about to lie, but he remembered once again this promise made with the firefighter. He didn't say he was going to respect it, but Carlos was very attached to this promise without knowing why. So he looked down and answered honnestly.

"B-both".

The man near him to comfort him smiled.

"You're up for a good lunch? To the cafetetria?"

He shrugged. He liked being out of this cage of glass, it made him feel good. But he didn't want to.

"I... Don't want to go out today", he admitted, this time with his head down.

"Okay then... I'll bring lunch to you! What do you want?"

"Uh..."

Matt hadn't thought about it. Carlos understood and got up.

"If you don't have any idea, then I'll bring you what to recharge your body for the rest of the day".

Matt shook his head up to down, turning his head again to the left. Carlos got out of the room, went down to the cafeteria to take something for him and Matt. His phone vibrated, and he saw the name of his wife on the screen, making him smile. He picked up and took his phone to his ear.

"Hola mi amor!"

He heard her laugh. She liked when he said this.

"Hola mi amor. How is your day so far?"

"Well... I'm at Chicago Med, I will come back home about the same time than yesterday".

"You new friend?"

He sighed. His wife didn't know him yet.

"Olivia... You know by what Hell I had to go through".

"Yeah, I do remember, and I don't want to lose you again. Not yet, no more".

"I promise you won't. But he also needs me. If I don't help him... He won't see his life straight, he will live in the past, in remorse and... And he will kill himself for sure".

"I know Carlos, but I'm worrying about you. I don't want to live this again".

"I made a promise to you. And I will hold it. Someone helped me, now it's my turn to help".

There was a silence for some seconds before an answer.

"I hope you will succeed. For him and for you. Because if it doesn't work, you will blame yourself for having failed".

"I won't fail. It's another promise".

Carlos could vizualize his wife smiling.

"Te quiero mi amor".

"Te quiero. See you tonight".

He hung up, approaching the cash registrer to buy something for him and Matt. He also took a big bottle of orange juice because he needed vitamins afer several days without food. He came back ten minutes later. Matt was sitting with his legs crossed, watching in the vacuum. He opened the door, frightening Matt a little, put the bag down a tray and closed the door.

"So, I hope you will like. Even if you don't eat all, not a big deal", Carlso assured.

She got out his snack, the orange juice and then Matt's food.

"Risotto with mushrooms and chicken. Gently and carefully warmed up by the women from the cafeteria", he joked. "You like?"

"I... I've never eaten this before. We'll see".

"Indeed, we'll see. I'll bring glasses".

Carlos got up again, oepend the dorr and stopped by the nurses' station.

"You don't have two glasses by any chance?"

The nurse turned, the same nurse who received him earlier.

"Yeah, of course".

She then pased him to plastic glasses.

"I'm... Satisfied to see him eat and drink while you're here. Since his admission in this ward, he barely ate and he suddenly stopped".

"Do you know why he stopped eating like this?"

"Unfortunately not. But we're missing him playing".

Carlos frowned, raising his head.

"Playing?"

"Dr. Charles proposed him to play music. About... A week ago? And... I don't know, when he started playing, it was... Beautiful", she finally said with a big smile.

Carlos smiled back, thinking agout this detail he didn't know about Matt.

"Okay. I will talk to him, maybe he will tell me why he stopped?"

"I hope so. As I told you, we're missing him playing. And not the staff only, the other patients too".

"Ah, by the way. When we will finish eating, you can give him your piece of lemon pie. I saw by buy it at the cafeteria not a long time ago", he said blinking.

The nurse lowered her head and Carlos saw her cheeks blushing. He laughed and came back in the room, sitting on the bed. He placed the tray between Matt and him, opening the cover of the plate and passing the cutlery to him.

"What about you?"

"Me? Well... I already ate at home, so I took a piece of chocolate pie!"

Matt took the fork in hand, and ate the first bite. He closed his eyes, enjoying these savors he didn't felt before. He heard himself moan in pleasure.

"My gut is telling me you like..."

Carlos laughed while Matt smiled.

"It's... Fabulous".

"Glad to hear this".

Matt conitnued eating, savouring this recipe he never ate before.

"By the way Matt, the nurses told me you're playing an instrument?"

He suddenly stopped, putting his fork down.

"I... It's complicated", he murmured.

"Then explain? I can understand".

He look down, then lowered his head several seconds later.

"I don't deserve to play", he mumbled.

"What? You don't deserve it? Why? Who told you this?"

Matt took a deep breath, swallowing hard.

"She said that... I shouldn't have have this gift... That it was impossible".

Carlos had understood nothing, but he knew why Matt stopped playing: he thought to not deserve this.

"You... Can explain?"

"I don't know, she... She taked about absolute pitch and... I don't know".

Carlos had never played music in his life, so he didn't understand everything. But he was sure about one thing.

"Matt, nothing is impossible in life, not even human being. It's our definition after all. It's not the fact that you're impossible, it's the fact of being unique. And nobody can get this out of you".

* * *

 **What will happen next:** **As usual: I don't know. But I think I will give to Matt the opportunity to play music again.**

 **I let Kelly and Gabby (and the rest of the firehouse) out of the story for now ON PURPOSE, to focus on the beginning of the friendship between Mat and Carlos.**


	16. You and me

Hi everyone! It's been a while (2 months) since the last update for this story, huh? I am completely sorry, I am very busy and I had no inspiration. Strangely, inspiration came when I got up this morning and I decided to write a chapter (and because I had a review asking me when I will update as well).

I don't know when my next update will arrive, but I will do my best to give it to you as soon as I can.

I hope you will have a nice reading and you will like this chapter (I am sure).

* * *

 _ **Previously, on the last chapter...**_

 _ **Matt faced a bad situation when he apparently scared a nurse, but she wasn't afraid of him: it was of Dr. Charles. Carlos' wife is worried about him because she doesn't want to face the same situation again. He also understood why Matt stopped playing violin: he had an absolute pitch, but someone told him that it**_ _ **was impossible to have it after all this time without playing.**_

 _ **And now, the next chapter...**_

* * *

 **Chapter 16: You and me**

These words pronounced by Carlos had more or less cheered up Matt. Deep down, he felt like he was different, but in a good way. This new friend knew a part of his past and could read him like an open book. It scared him sometimes, but opening oneself without having to speak relieved him because he couldn't put words on his feelings. He didn't know whether it was anger, sadness, fear or worse, hatred. He hardly knew and it was destabilizing him to the highest point. Within two days, this growing friendship between Carlos and him became increasingly stronger. The two men trusted each other, laughed and got out of the room together. Even Dr. Charles had been amazed by the progress made by Matt. The whole staff could see that he was getting better and it was a pleasure to see it. But it lasted a time, it only worked when Carlos was at his side. So, nobody knew who was the real Matt: the one Carlos could see every day when he was there with him, or the one Carlos Couldn't see because he wasn't there. It was quite disturbing to see this behavior change the second Carlos left the room and the hospital. It even scared some nurses. Seeing that he had no visitors, the firefighter asked Dr. Charles, but he had no explanation. He didn't know why neither Gabby or Kelly hadn't visited him. He had nobody. Maybe that his behavior change came from this? Maybe it was the fact he felt that only Carlos was visiting him? Maybe he felt abandoned?

"Do you know where they live?" Carlos asked Dr. Charles, talking about Gabby and Kelly.

"Not really, but Gabby is working tonight at Molly's. She will be there with Kelly I guess", the psychiatrist affirmed.

"I can't tonight. And all the other nights anyway. I have a family to build, I can't leave my wife alone, I promised."

"In that case, I will call them. I ask them to come immediately."

Carlos nodded and came back into the room to talk to Matt. They had to quickly talk about this. It still pleased him to see that he regained some strength: his cheeks were more pink, he was smiling, enjoying the sun. He gradually looked like again to this Matt who was known by everyone. Everyone but Carlos, because he didn't know who he was before all this.

"Matt? We... We need to talk about something. Something important."

Staring at the sun shining, Matt looked down and turned his head slightly.

"About what?"

"Kelly and Gabby."

Mat froze, then turned his head toward the window. He wanted to cry, but not because he was sad. He was angry. Because they didn't come to see him once.

"I do'nt want to talk to them. They... They left me here."

"Left?"

Carlos didn't understand this sudden anger haunting Matt.

"What are you talking about, Matt?"

"They didn't even come to see me!" he stated angrily while standing up. "It's been a week since I've been there, and they aren't even coming! They abandoned me!"

The firefighter finally understood what Matt meant: for him, his friends never came and he felt like rejected.

"Dr. Charles is calling them. To bring them here. My request."

"Why you're doing this? Huh? I don't want to talk to them!"

"whether you like it or not, they're your friends. And friends are here to help. You friends are here to help you."

"They have a funny way to show it then", Matt let out of his mouth.

He was right. In one week, they never came, Carlos never met them in the hallways or in the hospital.

"I will leave you several minutes to talk to Dr. Charles and I will come back. Okay?"

Matt kept his eyes fixed on the sun, shrugging, indifferent. Carlos got up and got out of the room, noticing two people talking to the shrink.

* * *

Kelly and Gabby rushed to the hospital after receiving this phone call from the shrink and they were terribly worried. He just told them that it was about Matt and that they had to come as quickly as they could without any explanation. Wandering the hallways to arrive in the psychiatric ward, they fell on Dr. Charles.

"Ther's a problem with Matt?" Gabby asked, completely distraught and worried.

"You could say that."

This voice from behind the physician surprised the two friends, who stood aside to see who it was, but they didn't know him. Kelly frowned, not liking this men already.

"You are?"

"I didn't introduce myself, indeed. I am Carlos. Esposito", he announced by advancing his hand, as to shake hands with Kelly, then Gabby.

Kelly's look changed suddenly.

"Captain", he said shaking his hand. "Sorry, but I didn't know your face."

"No formalities between us. I'm not on shift. You are Kelly Severide, aren't you? Benny's son?"

"Indeed."

"You have the same eyes. And same behavior as I can see."

"I don't know whether I have to take it as a compliment or a reproach."

"Take it as you want. Being stubborn is helpful sometimes."

With a smile, Carlos turned his head toward Gabby, and she introduced herself.

"Gabby. Dawson. Uh... Matt's girlfriend."

"Nice to meet you."

"Well, what's going on with Matt?"

Carlos sighed and invited them to have a seat.

"It's not Dr. Charles who asked you to come here, it's me."

"What's going on?" Gabby worried even more.

"Well... I will tell you the truth. Matt felt abandoned, betrayed. He needs both of you at his side, and you're not here. He seems to get better, but it's just a facade. He's fine when I am here with him. I can see that he's making huge effort for me to be satisfied. But he's getting worse. He's sinking and you're not there."

"You... Blame us for something?"

"I blame you for not being here for him."

"Matt is not the guy who shares his worries. Whether with us or someone else."

"But this Matt is gone, that's the point. He opens to others because he needs it. He talks because otherwise he feels like exploding from the inside. He's scared, he's hurt, he's sad and angry. At himself. He's self-destructing and nobody see this, not even himself."

"And how can you say that, huh? I know you liked a similar situation, but it doesn't mean that you've been through the same thing! He almost killed himself these damn pills, you know!"

Carlos frowned, surprised. Matt already attempted to his life, and it greatly worried him. He took a deep breath and justified his presence at Matt's side.

"Indeed, I experienced a similar situation. The same situation, to tell you the truth. I soon sank into alcohol, I was destroying myself. And there was someone to control me, to talk to me. And there was someone else I particularly care about who allowed me to get out of this hell. If I am still alive, it is thanks to them. They helped me, and I want to help in return."

Kelly then looked at the medallion about Carlos' neck. It wasn't any medallion: it was blue, marked on the face with the phrase ''to thine own self be true'' with in the middle a triangle marked with ''unity'' on the left, ''service'' on the right'' and ''recovery below. In the middle of the triangle was a circle marked by the number 1.

Instinctively, Kelly grabbed it and turned it, Carlos not moving. The back of the medallion was marked by another phrase: ''God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot control, courage to change things I can and wisdom to know the difference''. This man in front of him had just celebrated his first year of sobriety. He withdrew his hand, Carlos still didn't move. Kelly was impressed and Gabby didn't know what was happening.

"This medal proves me every day how much I had sunk and how much I've bounced back as well. My wife Elianor helped me to get through this, staying at my side despite my behavior, despite my fears and my follies. She continued to tell me that we would get there, we would face it together. She kept telling me that she loved me, how much I was making progress. She's been the person I needed to get better. And Matt is in a same situation: he needs someone to get better."

"And you can't provide him this thing."

"I am here as a shrink, as a channelizer. He needs someone at his side."

Gabby looked down, ashamed. Kelly and her had moved away to give him space, to give him time to rebuild himself when in fact, he needed the complete opposite. He needed to be surrounded, cherished and encouraged.

"We can be stupid sometimes", she whispered to herself before raising her head. "Can I talk to him? Please."

Carlos nodded, allowing her to talk to him despite the fact that he firmly told him that he didn't want to. But her brown and wet eyes had been stronger. As her girlfriend, Gabby should be the only person able to love him in any situation. If she really loved him, she would be there for Matt. And he wanted to be sure of this. Gabby walked slowly forward the room, swallowing nervously and her heart beating a mile a minute. She stopped at the windows used as a door, locking her gaze on the man who was still capsizing her heart, her brain and her stomach. She loved him to death, and she didn't show it. He'd been there for her when she needed him the most, and she just abandoned him. She took a deep breath, grabbing the handle and holding a sob. She slid the door open and entered slowly.

"Matt?"

Matt looked down slightly, recognizing this voice he had loved. He didn't remember when. But he didn't want to talk to her.

"Get out", he advised dryly.

It hurt her to hear those words coming out of the mouth of the man she was unconditionally in love with, but they were well deserved. Although, Gabby was determined to stay with him.

"I won't run away, not this time", she assured while approaching him. "I haven't been there when you needed me, I feel... Stupid and angry at myself."

She sat on the bed, Matt turning his head toward the wall to avoid her gaze. He didn't want to lay his eyes on her, he didn't want to see her. Gabby then understood what Matt was searching. It wasn't excuses, he wanted the outright proof that she would no longer leave him alone, he simply sought this irrefutable proof that he was not going to be alone anymore with his problems.

"Do you remember when Jones... When Jones died? I was sad and scared. I was afraid of the future, of what was going to happen. And... And you told me that it was why we called it the future. But you were sure that we were going to face this together."

Matt finally turned his head toward Gabby, his eyes filled with incomprehension. The woman in front of him was ready to cry, which lead him to hold his own tears, only looking for the truth in her eyes.

"You've been there for me when I was bad, you helped me to feel better. We face the future together. It's my turn to be there for you. In the present, for the future, trying to forget the past. We're gonna face it. Together. You and me."

Matt could no longer help himself: the tears he held for so long began to flow down his cheeks carved by the lack of food, rolling on his white and cold skin and falling on the sheets. He didn't know which emotion were inside of him, but this anger having taken his guts was fading gradually, this sadness he had felt from the beginning was turning into relief, relief to still have someone next to him, someone who was there for him when he was ready to sink. He could see in Gabby this light that had left him and she wanted to share with him to give him hope. This warm and blinding light cheering him up even better than this radiant sun illuminating his face. This light, it was the life reserved from him by Gabby.

"You and me", he managed to say between sobs, just before embracing her, tightening her against him and burying his face in the crook of her neck.

* * *

 **What will happen next: I still don't know, but this time, I think Matt will play violin. **


	17. No more

Bonjour! As I have a lot to do at the moment, it's been difficult for me to update and write something (and I am sorry). I had a bounce of inspiration these past days, so I've made a huge effort to write it down before anything else.

So! As I wrote it, I realized that I have made an enormous mistake (and you didn't tell me!) - I called Carlos' wife Olivia in chapter 15 and Elianor in chapter 16. BIG MISTAKE FROM ME, it's a shame :D With that mistake, and because I took some time to find this name, his wife is called Elianor (and no longer Olivia).

I hope you will like this powerful chapter and leave me some reviews to have your feelings about it ^^

* * *

 _ **Previously, on the last chapter...**_

 _ **Kelly and Gabby realize that the Matt they have known for long is gone forever _thanks to Carlos_, and Gabby convinces Matt to let her help after Carlos explained what happened in his life when he faced this similar situation.**_

 _ **And now, the next chapter...**_

* * *

 **Chapter 17: No more**

After this little speech from Gabby, Matt felt even better than when Carlos came to comfort him. He felt appeased, his fears seemed to fade away, he showed a couple times a serene smile. Through the glass door, nurses could glimpse a Matt they had never really known: he was almost eating everything they gave him, he was taking his medication prescribed by Dr. Charles without grumbling, he was sleeping better although sometimes, nurses could hear him scream in his sleep. Worried, some of them broke the rules established by Dr. Charles to come to his bedside and reassure him. They weren't much, but the others said nothing, or hid the truth. If the shrink heard this, their career would be over. Every passing day was an opportunity for Carolyn to be forgiven by Matt: she brought a lemon meringue tart every lunch when Dr. Charles had his back turned. And he was thankful for that, because he knew that by doing so, she was breaking his rules, just for him. It gave him even more the desire to fight him, but he refrained himself. His circle of trust was growing gradually. There was Carlos, then Gabby. And Carolyn, and finally the rest of the firehouse in which he was working. He had excluded Dr. Charles the moment he locked him in that box, and he hadn't integrated Kelly without knowing why. Carlos had told him that he was here at his request, and he wanted to thank him for that, but this didn't go further. His best friend had somehow cowardly abandoned him to his fate, he hadn't helped him, nothing. It was hard to swallow when Gabby made him understand that, but she promised to resolve the situation as fast as possible and as she could. After all, Kelly and Matt were the best friends in the world. When Gabby wasn't on shift, she stayed with the man she loved, talking about this and that, but surely not about the incident. Carlos explained them to her that his relation with Matt was based on trust, truth and the fact of not talking about the little boy, about this triggered story. Which she fortunately understood. After all, it was still a sensitive subject. But there was another subject she wanted to discuss with. She didn't know whether Matt would react badly or not, but she had to.

"Matt?" she began slowly, scared of him getting mugged. "Can we… Can we talk about something?"

Staring silently at the sky for several minutes, he looked down, then turned his head toward Gabby with an empty gaze. He saw her bite her lips, something she used to do when she was ashamed.

"You don't know how", he stated the obvious, slightly irritated.

It annoyed him to know her trying to take him lightly, which he understood and respected, but he didn't want this. He wanted her to be honest with him, even if it meant irritating him, so do it frankly. Gabby swallowed nervously, took a deep breath and finally talked.

"Why… Why did you take these sleeping pills?"

This question hit him straight, as if he hadn't expected this at all. He opened his mouth, as if he wanted to talk, but no sound came out of his throat or his mouth. Everything was locked. He then remembered this conversation he had had with Dr. Charles, and this precise moment when he woke up in the ER: everyone believed he did this on purpose, he attempted suicide. It pained him to see that everybody believed in this, and it made him even angrier. Very slowly, he clutched his fists, beginning to feel his heart beating faster in his chest while his brain was boiling.

"You… Y-you think I did this on purpose? I… I wanted to kill myself?"

Gabby didn't have time to reply he got up, pacing in an attempt to calm down, even slightly. After three long minutes without a word, he stopped, looking through the window again.

"Get out", he said firmly and dryly.

But Gabby didn't move an inch, paralyzed. She blamed herself for what she had asked. How she could doubt about the man she loved above everything?

"I said GET OUT!" he screamed while turning toward her, his eyes and face marked by anger.

She startled, the bottom of her eyes beginning to dangerously become damp from the tears. She didn't know what to do or what to say to appease the man in front of her, this vulnerable man who was losing his self-control. Gabby saw him cringe and jump on her to grab her left arm. He lifted her up by strength, bringing her to the doorstep of his room. He opened it and threw her out of this room as a swine. His look had changed. It was no longer anger Gabby was reading on his face, it was hatred. He closed the door and then locked himself in the bathroom, locking the door and the handle with a chair, so that no one could enter. His breath almost cut, sweat beginning to trickle down his face, he stepped back until hitting the frozen wall and slid to the ground, gazing into space. He felt a tear stream down his cheek, then two, and finally an infinity. He heard screams, cries of pain, cries of anger. His cries. Everything he had tried to suppress these past days remade intrusive expeditions in his head, assailed him from all sides. He had his eyes open, but he could only see pictures he had tried to forget for years. The death of his father, Andy, Hallie. This little boy he had desperately tried to save, in vain. All these images haunted him, made him suffer as he had never been hurt before. He didn't understand what was happening to him, and it terrified him greatly.

* * *

Outside the room, Gabby remained on the ground, completely paralyzed by what she had just seen and suffered. It wasn't Matt, he was no longer the man she loved. She still could feel the pressure of his fingers on her arm, his fingerprints marked on it as branded. It didn't hurt her, but this image haunted her, the one of Matt grabbing fiercely her arm and throwing her out of the room. She could feel herself cry, not in pain or real sadness, but in shame and guilt. She had just confronted Matt about a still sensitive subject, she saw this in his eyes. And it had gone wrong. She doubted of him while at the beginning of this, she didn't believe a second that Matt had done this on purpose, she inwardly knew that he didn't try to kill himself. It was the first time she seemed to doubt his honesty. And it hurt her more than anything. Determined, she wiped the warm tears streaming down his cheeks and got up to enter again in the room while the nursing staff remained still, frozen by what they had just seen. When she entered, her heart and stomach turned and she began to cry again. The man of her life was screaming, but she could feel that it wasn't in pain. It was only sadness and anger. She closed her eyes, trying to physically imagine where Matt was in the bathroom. She imagined him on the ground, his head in his legs, crying, shaking. Just simply recalling the worst moments of his life. It scared her to know Matt was this vulnerable, he could hurt himself at every moment without wanting to.

"Matt?" she said after knocking on the door. "Matt, open up, please."

But he didn't want to. He didn't want to talk to her, he didn't want to hear her. He wanted to just be alone, without someone telling him what to do. He wanted to be free.

"Matt, please. What I said was stupid. I have never thought you were capable of hurting yourself. The doctors did, but neither Kelly nor I had trusted them. It was a thing we couldn't accept. You… You had endured too much for so long we couldn't think a second that today, you could do this."

Matt didn't reply, trying to sort the emotions piercing him. It hurt him so bad to know that nobody was trusting him.

"I know why you took them, I know it was a mistake", he heard Gabby say through the door with a trembling voice. "You were tired Matt. You were sick of those nightmares. You just wanted to spend a night without them, but you couldn't. You… You were desperate, tired of all this. You just wanted to sleep, I know."

Gabby was sobbing, he could hear it, deep down, he could feel it. Despite his shape, despite the growing anger, it still hurt him to hear his beloved crying. He didn't like seeing tears on her face, he didn't like seeing her sad. Despite all she could say hurtful, it broke his heart to know her sad. In an extreme effort, he stopped crying, trying to wipe with a trembling hand the tears still streaming down his pale face.

"I don't want you to be sad", he could hear through the door. "I don't want you to be vulnerable, Matt. I… I-I just want to be at your side when something's wrong, so that I can cheer you up. I want to be at your side when you're crying, so that I can wipe them. I want to be at your side when you're scared, so that I can hug you. I want to be at your side when you're cold, so that I can warm you with my own body. I... I just want to be with you for the rest of my life, no matter what."

All he could hear right now was no longer his heart beating very fast in his chest, it wasn't his cries and tears, it was simply her comforting and broken voice, it was this pain to lose him. She also had lost her child, she had also gone through hell, she almost died because of this pregnancy. She knew better than nobody else what he was going through. She was the only one with Carlos who could understand him.

So, he got up, removed the chair blocking the handle and unlocked the door to let Gabby come in. he sat down where he was again, allowing the woman he loved to understand that he authorized her near him. As soon as their gaze met, she understood: Matt was trying to stay strong, but he couldn't, he was fading by staying here, locked in this narrow and terrifying room. Gabby then saw a tear on his cheek while he was lowering his head. She didn't like hearing him cry, or seeing tears stream down his cheeks, it was beyond her strength. So, she kneeled, wiping as promised this tear and taking him in her arms, comforting him while he was crying. Several weeks ago, Matt was the one who had remained strong, he was the one who had taken Gabby in his arms to comfort her after the loss of their child, he was the one keeping her out of the water. But now, the roles were reversed: Matt was the one crying and Gabby was comforting him, he was the vulnerable person and she was the strong one.

"Everything is gonna be fine, Matt. We'll get there", Gabby assured.

"I… Want to go…", he managed to whisper in her ear. "Away from here."

"Okay."

She took her beloved's face in her hands, looking him straight in the eyes, smiling as she could despite her sadness.

"We're gonna leave. He will never lock you up again. No more, he will force you to anything. We'll go away from here."

After thirty seconds, Matt nodded and let Gabby out of the bathroom to talk to Dr. Charles, who had been called by Carolyn after the incident.

"How is he?" he asked.

She shot him a dark look, crossing her arms and holding her anger.

"How do you think he is?! You locked him in here 24/7 while it frightened him even more! You have a universal way for your PTSD patients, but you don't EVER think about them! He needs contacts and what you're doing? You refuse your nursing staff to approach him unless necessary! He needs some space and free and what you're doing? You lock him in a narrow room without a way to get out of here! You want to improve things, but you only make them worse! I know you want to do what is right, but this is not what Matt needs at all!"

She suddenly stopped, understanding that her anger had taken over her wishes, catching her breath at the same time. She looked to the right, then the left, crossing the gaze of nurses who were scared and proud to be heard by someone. Gabby sighed, closing her eyes for a couple seconds and continued.

" I want his discharge papers. I want him to leave this place."

"What? No, he's not ready for the real world, for his own safety, I am against your choice."

"It's not up to you to make his own decisions!" she finally screamed. "He wants to go away from here, then he will. Whether you like it or not! I have Carlos' number, if Matt needs to talk to him, he will come home. But no more, you hear me! NO MORE, you will lock him in here!"

Dr. Charles soon realized that he wouldn't change her mind. Since the beginning, he had been wrong, and even this, Matt had seen it despite his shape, his staff as well. He never made the right call.

"Alright. Carolyn will give you his discharge paper, and I will give you a prescription with his daily medications. At the least problem, I mean it, you call me. And he has to see Carlos or me twice a week at the bare minimum."

Gabby didn't like it, but she had to accept. Matt wanted to go, and he would. They would go far away from here. She signed the papers, taking Matt's stuffs and came back in the bathroom, where Matt was still on the ground.

"Come on, Matt, we're leaving. And we won't come back. Never ever."

He raised his head and took her hand she was tending to help him. Without a word, he thanked her. He didn't need a word for this.

"We're going to the lake, with Carlos and his wife. So that he will be there as well. And his wife won't be worried about her husband."

Carlos had explained everything to Gabby: his wife's concern about him sinking again because he was helping another firefighter crossing this same thick fog, the fact of being alone at home all day with a baby on the way and him being away from her, without news, or barely. Matt needed Carlos, Gabby was aware of this. And this lake, this cabin was the perfect place to allow the man she loved some relaxation far from this hell, with her and Carlos at his side, and Carlos near his wife. Everyone would enjoy this moment.

"Okay."

Gabby grabbed her phone, called Carlos and explained her idea, and he accepted. He never would come back in this room. No more, and it was a promise.

* * *

 **What will happen next: ****Of course, as usual I couldn't keep my promise to give you a scene in which Matt is playing violon :/ PROMISE (I am writing it already): he will in the next chapter, and it will be beautiful ^^**


	18. Serenity

Hello dear readers! How is it going? I am glad to offer you a pure sweet moment in this story with THIS chapter. As promised, I this time I kept my word, I gave a scene in which Matt is playing the violin, and I hope you will love it.

It's time to read my dears!

* * *

 ** _Previously on the last chapter..._**

 ** _Gabby realizes that there were still some sensitive issues about what happened during that call and also why Matt took the pills: he feels like he can't be trusted. When Gabby also realizes that this place where he's locked in is killing him and decided to sign the papers to get him out of it. With Carlos and his wife, she and Matt go to the cabin._**

 ** _And now, the next chapter..._**

* * *

 **Chapter 18: Serenity**

Arrived at the cabin, Carlos and Gabby hurried to unload the car while Matt and Elianor were resting. The trip had been a little longer than planned due to a deviation and it had exhausted them. Entering inside, the captain understood quickly why this cabin was the perfect place to relax: everything was made for this. A sleek and zen decor, the ideal living environment with the lake nearby where they would take a dip or just fish, the sound of the wind in the trees, the birds singing. Everything had been planned to appease at the first second of life in this atmosphere. It made Carlos smile because he didn't even know this place yet, all the corner of the wooden house, and he was eager to know all its secrets.

"This cabin is amazing! I didn't know Benny owned the place!"

"Well, it had been donated to Kelly. We use it a lot for our vacations, and Matt is a magic handy man, so he renovates the cabin when he comes here", Gabby clarified.

"You… You mean all this… It's Matt?"

"Uh… I would say 70% at the bare minimum, yeah."

Carlos opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He was totally impressed by what he had heard and began at once to look at any object, the least detail of the room. This cabin looked more like a little house than anything else after the last work from Casey inside and outside. When they entered, there was the main room, making the living room, the dining room and the kitchen with in front of the entrance a large bay window opening onto a terrace on stilts overhanging the lake. At the right of the room, there was a chimney in which they could make a fire to warm the room or just for the atmosphere it gave. At the left of the main room, there were a bathroom and toilet and at the right, there were two bedrooms. Carlos felt hypnotized by this place, everything had been made for this.

"This place is…"

"Magic? Beautiful? Phenomenal?"

"I've never seen a place like this before!" Carlos admitted with a smile.

"Matt has spent a lot of time here after the death of Hallie."

Carlos frowned and turned his head toward the woman who was talking to him.

"Who is Hallie?"

Gabby opened her mouth, but soon understood that this information hadn't been given to the firefighter by Matt yet.

"Hallie… Was her fiancée about three years ago. She… Matt was on a call on a structure fire in the clinic she worked in, and… Kelly and Matt found her and got her out, but… We tried to revive her, but… She was already dead."

Even for Gabby, it seemed hard to explain this to Carlos, she did remember what happened, but she wasn't the right person to do this.

"He came here after that. For a month, until he felt ready to come back. This place helped him more than anyone and anything. He needs this place to put himself together and… Well, you know what I mean, right?"

"Don't worry Gabby, I do. But can I ask you a question?"

"Yes, course."

"Why having asked me to come here with my wife?"

She dropped what she was doing and sat on this couch, in front of the fire she had just prepared, soon joined by Carlos.

"Dr. Charles made perfectly clear that he had to see him or you at least three times a week, but as I know it's complicated because of your wife, I thought that it would be good for everyone to come here: the perfect place for Matt, for your wife, you and me. I am here with Matt, you can see Matt whenever he wants, you are with your wife and she's not worried about you."

Thinking about what she had just explained, Carlos understood that she had everything planned at the last detail, and it impressed him.

"Not stupid, indeed. Thanks. It will probably also help my wife to be appeased."

"I hope so. If there's a problem, I am a former paramedic. And Kelly installed a relay antenna not far from here to have network and call for help, and only help. The aim of being here is to be cut off from this world, so no phone unless emergency."

Gabby then grabbed a small basket and handed it to Carlos after having dropped her own cellphone inside. After being settled, Gabby did visit the house and its surroundings to Carlos in order to familiarize him and make him feel at home, and they went back to prepare dinner.

* * *

The next morning, Matt opened his eyes, inwardly feeling the first sun lights. He felt appeased, reassured, as if nothing had ever happened. He turned his head and smiled: Gabby was sleeping peacefully and deeply at his side. Without any noise, he slowly got up and walked into the main room, stretching as he could. His first morning thought struck him straight: this violin offered to him by Dr. Manning. He wanted to hear this particular sound he liked in the middle of this wood and go through the lake, he wanted to know whether this sound would propagate or resonate, he wanted to feel the effect it would give to him. So, he took his box containing the instrument, settled on the table on the terrace and took a deep breath. He opened the box and took the violin in hand, then one of the two bows contained within. He checked all the strings one by one and then, set in place: the lake and the forest were becoming as his audience, and nothing would be able to stop him. Slowly, he closed his eyes, put the shoulder rest on his left shoulder and took the bow with his right one, ready to compose a melody. He was calm, serene, rested and quite happy. This place was perfect for him, and Gabby noticed this before he could think about. He focused on the sounds around him: the wind sizzling through the treetops and dancing with the leaves, the water from the lake, the birds singing without stopping. Finally, the bow came to strike a first string, then another one, his fingers coming to tackle these same strings on the neck and touches. The moment when Matt started playing, it was a sight he couldn't see but could feel. The wind intensified very slightly, twirling even more through the trees in the surrounding forest, the birds were singing louder, the sounds came to his ears easier. Without realizing it, he seemed to be transported into another world, a world just for him where with his violin, he could command the nature, he could master his surroundings to the only sound coming from the F-holes of the instrument. In this state, he felt in top form, as invigorated. The notes came and went without a reaction from Matt, he was in a trance. And it was with these notes the three still asleep other people woke up, lulled by this exhilarating melody. Neither Carlos nor Gabby had already heard him play, and it was a big surprise. Elianor got up first, much more curious than her husband and the woman who invited them here. She entered the main room and looked outside, fascinated by the show. Matt was back to her, playing violin as she never heard anyone play. There were no wrong notes, each one more beautiful and more perfect than the previous one, and she knew what she was talking about. How someone could play so perfectly? Soon, her husband joined her, also called by these notes. He embraced his wife, passing his arms under hers and placing his hands on her bulging belly.

"How is this possible…", she whispered to not disturb Matt, because the window was open.

"Do you know what is even more impossible?"

He waited Elianor to shake her head from side to side to continue, taking a deep breath before.

"It appears that he learned to play violin within twenty minutes on the internet."

Carlos' wife was speechless, she couldn't believe it.

"One of the doctors, she's also a violinist, and… She talked about passive absolute pitch or something like this."

"A passive pitch? This guy has more than a passive absolute pitch, cariño. He has a real gift. I… Can you feel this?"

Elianor applied her own hands on her husband's ones, as to give him a message. But after thirty seconds, Carlos had apparently still not understood.

"I don't feel anything."

"That's the point! Our son is playing with my stomach and bladder all day, even at night. But right now, he is… Calm."

In the fifth month of pregnancy, the fetus had developed a large part of his sense, especially his hearing and touch, and it caused a lot of problems to Elianor because this future boy she was carrying was highly active. But this time, at this precise moment, he wasn't, as if he was listening and was lulled, as if the violin soothed him.

"I get it, a new future musician in the family", Carlos laughed, kissing his wife.

"You're jealous because you can't play or sing", she laughed even more while smiling. "I'll make breakfast."

Gabby was the only one still in bed. She was awake, but she didn't want to leave this soft and warm environment given by this bed. She was attentively listening to this melodious song reaching her ears, as if she was waiting something specific. For her, it was simply the most beautiful and wonderful melody she could hear at her awakening. It didn't show anger or sadness, it seemed cheerful and joyful. She knew it was Matt, she could feel it with her whole being. Intrigued, she finally got up, entered the room and found Carlos totally amazed by what Matt was doing while Elianor was preparing breakfast. Gabby had already heard about Matt starting to play violin, but she had never heard or seen this until now. He played a few more minutes, seeming to be one with the instrument, and once his movements stopped, when the bow stopped vibrating strings, he remained standing in front of the lake, totally still. He felt even more alive than when he got up and set out. The birds almost stopped singing, the wind dropped suddenly, as if playing had animated the entire forest and if stopping this melody meant there was no more life in it. He inhaled a huge amount of fresh air and turned. He slightly startled when he saw three people watching him. He soon realized that he had awakened the whole cabin, but the two women and Carlos were smiling, he had hypnotized them. He had taken them elsewhere, in this world where he could control everything with his violin. There was no word needed to describe this scene, but there was only one emotion coming over them: serenity.

* * *

 **What will happen next:** **Matt will face a new difficult time and will run away because he felt like he did something wrong. Will they get and find him in time before it'll be too late?**


	19. Hide ans seek

Hi everyone! I still have inspiration for this story, so let's continue okay?

I am very glad to see that this story is still enjoyed by all of you (with less reviews, but that's okay though).

As I will get busy in the coming days (new school year), I won't update as often as I did when I was in holidays. I apologize already because I know that some of you wants an update ASAP, but I won't be able to.

Anyway, have a nice reading ^^

* * *

 _ **Previously, on the last chapter...**_

 _ **Carlos, his wife Elyanor, Matt and Gabby arrived at the cabin and Carlos is astonished by Matt's work in the cabin and outside (with the terrace and everything). Mat found a way to play violin in a way he likes, and everyone enjoys this moment. they felt serene.**_

 _ **And now, the next chapter...**_

* * *

 **Chapter 19: Hide and seek**

The couple days following this moment of pure synchronization between Matt, his violin and the wild around them passed calmly, without any real accident. It happened during the night that Matt woke with a jump, shivering from head to toe, sweating, screaming and crying without ever really remember why. Probably something he wished to forget above all. Gabby and Carlos tried in these specific moments to calm him down, either by talking to him softly, or by hypnotizing him, something Gabby had immediately asked him to teach her, saying that he wouldn't be there 24/7 alongside Matt. This would be of course the case: Carlos wouldn't be present all the time to help him the best he could. On the contrary: one day, Matt would have to live on his own, he could no longer rely on the words of Carlos, but only on those of his relatives. Every morning, Matt woke up the cabin and the forest with the sound of his violin, imitating animals, wind, everything he heard. It reassured Elyanor, explaining to her husband and Gabby that as long as he was playing, nothing could happen to him. This soft awakening pleased everyone, including the fetus, who calmed down at the first note. Elyanor waited every morning this precise moment when Matt started playing, because it gave her a break. But one day, five days after their arriving, Matt hadn't played at all, and it had worried everyone. Gabby found herself in an empty and cold bed. That day, she had rushed into the main room, hoping to find the man she loved, in vain. Together, they searched him in the cabin, but never found him. And two hours later, he came back, his arms full of wood to burn in the chimney with an innocent look, wondering what he had done wrong. Gabby had then hugged him with all her strength, explaining her concern she had felt when she hadn't heard him play. He had told her in return that he got up without being in the mood to play something warm to wake everything and he chose not to play at all. Carlos had after that encouraged Matt to play, regardless of his mood, because it allowed everyone to know how he was, in what state of mind he had gotten up. The same evening, everything was for the best. Until dinner. Elyanor was cooking with Gabby, Matt was about to set the table while Carlos was disposing in the chimney the wood brought by Matt. Everything was going well, until Carlos lit the fire and Matt turned at the same time, his arms full of plates and glasses. This small fire becoming increasingly intense was enough to trigger a crisis in Matt. Gabby saw it almost immediately, seeing that he wasn't moving at all and he started shaking and sweating.

"Matt? Matt?!"

Gabby was trying by all possible means to get him back, in vain. She didn't dare to touch him, scared of making things worse. But she should probably have, at least before Matt released his grip on the plates and before they fell to the ground. The sound of the crunch of glass on the floor startled Matt, who threw himself to the ground in a moment of sheer terror, thinking back to that backdraft coming to him during the call.

"Matt, talk to me", Gabby insisted, finally grabbing his right arm.

This sudden touch startled him again, his whole body reacting beyond his control. Without this control, he knocked Gabby with almost all his strength to get released. She would have never thought this day would come. The right side of her face was aching, especially her cheekbone, sending waves of pain throughout her body. She felt something flowing down her face. Worried, she passed the fingers of her right hand on it to see what was going on. Blood. Her own blood was streaming down her cheek. Matt had hit her to the point of opening her cheek.

"Gabby?"

With a trembling voice, Matt started to realize what had happened: he had hit Gabby, the woman he loved, and she was bleeding. He then stared at his trembling hands, breathing sharply. He hoped of not having done this, but he already had the answer: he was the only one who could have done that.

"It's nothing, Matt", she tried to reassure.

But Matt was already getting up and running away to the window.

"Matt!"

But it was too late: he had opened the window and had gone to the forest, sinking further into darkness. Without shoes, Matt was running despite his burning and stinging feet. He didn't really remember what had happened, but he knew he had done something bad. He still could see the face of Gabby and the distress in her gaze, almost the fear. It was this look his mother had every day when she was still married to his father. The same gaze. And suddenly, it hit him. His father wasn't like this at the beginning, he wasn't violent at all. But one day, something happened in his work and it triggered everything. From one day to the next, he started hitting, apologizing endlessly to his wife, to better start again the next day. And his mother always forgave him, because she loved him and she knew that it wasn't his fault. Until he started attacking his older sister and himself. There, the nightmare had already settled and it couldn't be stopped. What he had unwittingly done to Gabby, it was what his mother had experienced for years without flinching, and he didn't want, he couldn't do this to Gabby. He didn't have the right. He would rather break up with her and blame himself than hurt her. He had become his father, this violent man he had always hated. He didn't hate his dad, he hated this man he had become over time, this cold, cruel and violent man. So, he ran again and again, still screaming and crying his distress through the forest, moving away from Gabby as much as possible to not hurt her, to no longer make her suffer.

* * *

At the cabin, Gabby was still in pain from her right cheekbone, but she didn't care. The most important thing was to find Matt. She knew he was blaming himself, but according to herself, there was no need. It was an accident, it happened while he had a flashback, there was absolutely no need to blame him for that. In fact, she was blaming herself, because she had failed to control him and stop him while she had promised to. She felt in addition to the blood streaming down her cheek the salty tears rolling over her face.

"Everything's okay, Gabby?"

Without even hearing him, Carlos had crouched in front of her and had placed his hand on her shoulder. She knew he was referring to the opening under her eye, but she didn't care.

"I'm fine", she reassured in a trembling voice. "We need to find Matt. He… We have to find him."

Carlos and Elyanor could read the despair in her gaze, and also the fact that she didn't blame Matt.

"We'll find him."

He then turned to his wife.

"He shouldn't be far from here, and he has an absolute pitch. There is only one way to bring him back to us."

"But, mi amor… I'm not a violinist, I am a cellist."

"Then you have to learn and fast. You're the only one who can do this. You play, Gabby and I do the search, okay?"

Elyanor sighed. She had no choice. Matt was barefoot, dressed in a simple shirt and a jogging pants, and it was late. The night was coming, the cold was settling, he was going to get sick in no time.

"Go find him, I will grab his violin and play."

Gabby nodded, as to thank her for doing this for Matt when she barely knew him. They stood up, put a coat on their shoulders and went to the forest while Elyanor grabbed his violin and settled on the terrace to have an echo, so that Matt could hear her lament. To call him back, she just did the opposite of the owner of the instrument: she took the wind to get inspired and compose a sad melody, a song reflecting the despair of the woman he was in love with. She closed her eyes, trying to do what she could do with her cello on a violin, on an instrument she didn't master.

* * *

"Matt! MATT!"

Gabby was screaming with all her strength, hoping to get a reaction from her better half. But even if she was breaking her voice, she only heard her echo and this melodious lament. She knew nothing about music, but this song gave her the urge to cry more. But strangely, it also gave her even more the desire to find Matt.

"Matt!" she continued to scream.

But he didn't want to be found. And besides, in his crisis, he got lost. He was surrounded by trees, without any guidance, his feet were aching and burning. He wanted to sit and wait to be found, but inwardly, he heard someone calling him. He listened, hoping that this wasn't a dream, but nothing came at him. Gabby must be worried to death, such as Elyanor and Carlos. He was out of breath, out of energy, lost and filled with shame. He wanted to see Gaby, he wanted to apologize for what he did to her, for having run away like a loose rather than face his problems. He wanted to see her, to smell her, to hug her, to feel her near him for reassurance. He didn't remember his short trip he just did, but his sense of direction was still in good condition. Wincing, grinding his teeth and holding back a scream of pain, he slowly turned back, reeling in the undergrowth, walking on brambles and nettles, holding on to trees to keep from falling. The medication he was taking before dinner was powerful enough to exhaust him in less than an hour, and he was feeling the effects of drowsiness. After a few minutes suffering in silence, he stopped. He was cold, he heard voices like a hallucination, his eyes were closing dangerously. He wanted to lie down and wait, to sleep despite the chills roaming his body. So, he continued to advance through the woods to find a small clearing. At that very moment, he collapsed to the floor, completely drained. Despite the fact that he heard someone calling him afar, he closed his eyes, cowering into a ball, hoping to counter the rising wind.

* * *

At the same time, Carlos had thought he saw something moving in the bushes despite the darkness. It was just for a few seconds, but he swore he saw a shadow sinking to the ground. To be sure, he slowly went forward to it, almost creeping through the wildlife to a small clearing. He turned on his phone to be better, and a few seconds later, his eyes grew and his mouth opened.

"Matt!"

He ran as fast as he could, almost dropping his phone to arrive in the middle of the clearing. He hadn't dreamed, he had seen Matt collapse to the ground. He immediately knelt next to him, putting him on his back to try to wake him up.

"Matt, wake up, Matt!" he screamed, tapping his cheeks.

He grunted, frowned, tried to open his eyes, in vain. He was too tired for this.

"C'rl's…", he still managed to say.

"Open your eyes, bud. Come on."

But he didn't have the time to finish his sentence, Matt was already crying. He was emotionally exhausted, he was too tired to be in control of his feelings and emotions. Carlos had already been there, he knew it was hard to realize how far he had sunk, but it was for a good cause, it was for the best.

"I know it's hard, Matt. But we have to come back to the cabin."

"Feet… Hurt", he managed to explain after several seconds, without ever opening his eyes.

So, Carlos looked to his bare feet: they were bleeding, bramble thorns stuck bellow the soles of his feet. He gritted his teeth for him. How he could have run in these conditions, how he couldn't have screamed in pain?

"I will carry you, but don't fall asleep."

Carlos then took Matt on his back, as a firefighter or a soldier could do to carry someone. For balance, he grabbed one of Matt's legs and one of his arms. He was completely frozen, Carlos could feel it immediately after having transferred him on his back. He then turned back, calling Gabby to tell her that he had found Matt and they were coming back to the cabin. Once arrived, Elyanor stopped playing and Gabby rushed at the man she loved.

"Oh God, Matt!"

Matt hadn't kept his promise, he had fallen asleep, unable to stay awake because of the medication.

"On the couch!"

Carlos entered the main room, resting him gently on the cushions.

"He's freezing, and his feet are…"

Gabby took a look at his feet, putting her hand over her mouth.

"Elyanor, there's a first aid kit in the bathroom, under the sink."

"I'm on it."

Despite her five months of pregnancy, she rushed into the bathroom in order to bring back the kit for Gabby. She had seen his feet, and she felt just as bad for him as Gabby. Carlos took the opportunity to bring some blankets and cover Matt to warm him up, and also intensify the fire burning in the chimney. After ten minutes, he was still shivering. Was it the shock he had just suffered, or was it the cold still permeating his body? Nobody knew. But at least, they had found Matt, and Gabby would do everything to sheep him up and support him. Everything.

* * *

 **What will happen next:** **What did Matt (running away from Gabby and through the forest) will affect his health... And Elyanor, Carlos and Gabby will have to be there for him.**


	20. The story

Hi guys and girls, hope you're going fine! Here is a new chapter to start this awesome week-end (I hope so). I'm in the mood of writing a lot these past few days (and drunk tonight, obviously, but shhhhhh it's a secret). Ahem, anyway... Hope you will like this chapter, written while I was SOBER (of course) ^^

* * *

 ** _Previously, on the last chapter..._**

 ** _Matt explained that he isn't in the mood to play violin when he felt bad and why, but Carlos, Elyanor and Gabby told him that he could in any circumstances. When he was settling the dishes for dinner, he had a flashback while watching at the firehouse and hit Gabby as she tried to end this mental problem. Ashamed, he ran away, got hurt and get cold. Lost, Carlos found him and carried him into the cabin._**

 ** _And now, the next chapter..._**

* * *

 **Chapter 20: the story**

A coughing fit. Heat. Chills. A shallow breathing. A growl. Something cold passing over his face to mop the sweat strewing his skin. Matt tried to open his eyes to see around him. They were burning, it was a blur, he could discern a form ahead of him, but without really knowing what or who it was.

"Gabby…"

He frowned when he heard his own voice. It seemed hoarse, it sounded broken, as coming from another world. Trying to clear it, a new coughing fit took him.

"Hey… Don't force, Matt."

This form before his eyes, it was indeed Gabby, the woman he loved. He let the emotions invade him, thinking back constantly to what he had done to her. A tear ran down his cheek, mixing with the sweat streaming down from his forehead. He felt a finger on his cheekbone, wiping this tear before it could reach his chin.

"Sorry…", he whispered.

"Don't be," she whispered back. "I don't blame you."

But a new tear came to run down his cheek, which Gabby hastened to dry.

"You didn't do it on purpose."

"But I still did it…"

"You were having a flashback, Matt. It's nothing, I promise."

He tried to reach her hand, but his body hardly responded, each of his members were so heavy, he couldn't lift them.

"C-cold…"

"I know, Matt. You are sick", Gabby explained slowly and clearly.

In a rare moment of lucidity, Matt thought. He thought back to what he had done these past few hours, to his crisis, to the fact of having beaten on her face Gabby, the woman he loved, his escape into the woods while he was barefoot and barely dressed. He hardly opened his eyes, his vision was still blurred though.

"Your face…"

He couldn't see it, but her cheek was swollen and turned blue overnight. She had disinfected the wound and affixed a butterfly closure to bring together the flesh, explaining to her guests, Carlos and Elyanor, that she needed no suture.

"Don't worry about this, Matt. Everything is fine. I am fine."

He closed his eyes again, completely exhausted by this conversation. In the meantime, Carlos came back from town with the errands and the medications requested by Elyanor and Gabby, and his wife was preparing a good soup, something Matt could eat and digest. Gabby took his temperature to make sure he could stand. 100,4. It was still high, but much better than the previous night.

"Matt? Do you feel able to get up and eat something?"

Matt deigned to open his eyes again, he wanted to nod, but almost nothing was responding to his orders. He coughed for the umpteenth time, before frowning again. This time, he managed to move his legs, swinging them out of the couch and helping with his left arm to sit. He gritted his teeth because of the pain it gave him.

"My feet…"

Then, he remembered having walked and run through the forest before passing out in the clearing.

"How bad?" he asked, trying to calm his hoarse voice.

"I removed the thorns, disinfected the soles of your feet and I already changed your bandage", she assured. "But stay here on the couch, I will bring some soup for you, and something to lower your fever."

She smiled, kissing Matt on his forehead and got up to grab a bowl and fill it with soup, the one delicately prepared by Elyanor. As she was Spanish, she obviously knew some Abuela recipes used to heal.

"Chicken soup?"

"Yes, my madre taught me, her madre taught her, and so on."

"I get it. Thank you for doing this for Matt."

"Carlos went through this as well, this violence phase. It was… Hard to see and… And hard to handle, but… We have to stay strong. When you are in love… We forgive."

"I don't blame Matt. It was also my fault. If… If I hadn't caught his arm, he would have probably not hit me."

"But if you had done nothing, it could have been much worse. He could have hurt him, and I think you would have never forgiven yourself."

"He did hurt himself."

"Because he ran out, ashamed of what he did to you."

Gabby nodded, Elyanor was right.

"You… You said that… That Carlos went through this as well?"

The pregnant woman looked down, and nodded.

"Indeed. He was sleeping, and… And he had a flashback, such as Matt. And… He beat me up. Numerous times. When he became aware of what he had just done, I was almost unconscious, and he brought me to the nearest hospital. But this violence phase made him realize that he had sunk too deep and he had to react. This was when he decided to pull himself together and fight his PTSD. I hope Matt will react the same way. For both of you."

Gabby smiled, also hoping that this little accident would help Matt to overcome this. She grabbed the bowl and headed to the couch to give it to Matt, taking his medication on route.

"Here."

Slowly, he took and swallowed them, taking a full spoon of soup to help get them from his mouth to his stomach.

"How are you feeling?"

Gabby was worried, he could feel it. He wanted to say that he was fine, but it would be another lie. He had promised Carlos to never lie to him, then he should lie to the woman he loved as well.

"Bad", he admitted.

"What, you're nauseous? Dizziness?"

"No, I am okay. Just… I hit you, and… And I ran away when… When…"

"Matt, I already told you. It's okay."

He said nothing else, swallowing spoon after spoon the soup prepared by Elyanor. He loved this soup. He heard Gabby clear her throat, as if she wanted to say something but she didn't dare.

"Matt? Can I… Can I ask you something?"

"Mh."

"Why… Why did you run away?"

He had thought of never having to face this question, never. But Gabby had asked, and he had no other choice but to answer. He finished the bowl, placed it on the small table in front of him and looked down, ashamed.

"Uh… When… When I was younger, and uh… Well…"

Matt didn't know how to explain the situation to Gabby. Would she understand what went through his head at this moment where he had hit her? Would she show sympathy for him, or pity? No, he had no right to doubt. She said that she had already forgiven him, then she would perfectly understand his state of mind. He took a deep breath, at least the deepest breath he could, and tried to explain to her.

"My… I was six, and… And Christie was ten. And one day… Our dad came back home from work, completely messed up. And… He started… Hitting our mom, and… And every day, he apologized for his behavior, telling her that he loved her, and… And she forgave him every day. And… Every day it was the same ritual: he hit her, he apologized and she forgave. And… And one day, he started hitting us, and… And you know the rest of the story, more or less."

Gabby began to realize why Matt had run away: the same thing had happened to him in his childhood, and it had traumatized him greatly, even though he didn't really show it. She felt bad for him, because she knew it was hard for him to talk about this, it was an ordeal, something he wasn't used to.

"When… When I realized what I had done… Your gaze… My mom had the same daily, when dad was hitting her: fear, distress… I don't want you to suffer like my mom did."

Something hit Gabby: Matt was projecting himself in the body of his father, and she was her mother. In fact, Matt thought that he was like his dad, and that she was going to suffer like her mom. But Gabby couldn't believe it. The man she loved just needed to know that he was surrounded and that someone would be at his side every time he would face a hard time, like this one.

"Matt, listen to me. Matt."

He raised his head, she could see now that he was crying.

"You are not your father. And you will never be. I will be there whenever you feel bad. I will be there when you will be in pain, I will be there to stop you when you will have a crisis. I will be there, no matter what happens. Because I love you, Matt. And you can always count on me, always."

Carlos and Elyanor were looking carefully the scene unfolding before their eyes from the kitchen, he got behind her and had placed his hands on her rounded belly, she had placed her head in the crook formed by the head of her husband and his shoulder, at the level of his neck. They were smiling, hearing every word pronounced by Gabby to reassure a lost Matt.

"I am pretty sure you told her this story…", he slipped into her hear.

"Of course. She had to know. I think she needed it. They are both in the same boat, they both lost this baby. They need each other to face this."

"Just as we needed each other to get to today, still together, stronger than ever and… With mini-me on his way."

Without almost any noise, they began to laugh, impetuously kissing each other while the young couple was still talking in the main room, near the fireplace.

"We'll get there. We will face this. Together."

"Together."


	21. The haunting

HelloOo my dear readers! I barely have time to write (college, you know), but when I have inspiration, I can write a chapter within a few hours (for this one, it took me a little over an hour). I trully hope you will like this one, because I am not sure at all.

Anyway ^^ Have a nice reading

* * *

 _ **Previously, on the last chapter...**_

 ** _Matt is sick, both Gabby and Elyanor decide to take care of him. While eating her chicken soup, he explains why he ran away: he felt like his own dad after after punched Gabby in her face. But she promises him to be there, no matter what._**

 ** _And now, the next chapter..._**

* * *

 **Chapter 21: The haunting**

After a couple days with fever, coughing fits, cold sweat, weaknesses of any kind, Matt was feeling better. At least, physically. Gabby could say all the time that he wasn't his father, that everything would go back to normal soon, he didn't believe it. He still felt highly guilty of having hit the woman she loved without being in control of his own body, he blamed himself for this split cheekbone, the black eye he had inflicted. But Gabby didn't care, she said it didn't hurt her, the bruise on her eyes was fading, the healing of the wound was doing well. However, each time Matt laid his eyes on this woman, he couldn't help but hate himself for what he had done. He didn't do it on purpose, but he still blamed himself, no matter the comforting words Gabby could say. He hated himself. So, early in the morning while everyone was still asleep, he got out of bed, leaving his soul-mate dream in peace. He headed to the terrace, contemplating the rising sun trying to pierce the thin fog prevailing here. It was a view he liked a lot, this moment when the sun was going through the light fog and hitting his face. He sat down on the cool wood, carefully listening to the movements of the water of the lake, to the birds singing in the distance, to the wind through the forest. No matter his state of mind, he had always liked to pictures, this serenity. But for weeks now, he couldn't be serene, he was sad. Like every day, Carlos woke up almost at the same time, it was the first up after Matt. He remained discreet all the time, preferring to sit on the couch in front of the fire in the chimney he lit every morning, coffee in hand and eating bread with butter the time the girls get up. But when he entered the large room for the umpteenth time, the heat that filled the room no longer existed. It was cold, ice. Turning his head to the terrace, he saw that the window was open, and Matt sat there in front of the lake, his thighs lifted along his chest and held by his arms, burying almost his head into the hole it created . Normally, he closed the patio door, in order to prevent everyone to get cold because of him. And usually, he landed on one of the chairs, or played music in the early days, but there... It was something else. Something was wrong.

"Matt?"

He didn't move, nor reply anything. He just remained completely motionless, watching the little waves on the lake created by the wind sweeping into the surrounding forest. Carlos could feel his need to be alone, but what he knew most of all was that he shouldn't stay alone, quite the contrary. He needed to be surrounded, to be comforted, to know that someone was here for him, no matter when. He took a deep breath, and one step at the time, he approached this form on the terrace and sat next to Matt. He still didn't move, but it didn't matter. At least, he had someone he trusted, he had someone to confide in. Who better than Carlos could understand what Matt had in mind? He had experienced the same situation, he had sunk much deeper than him, and he was still there, he was alive, he would soon become a father and almost everything was on top. But for Matt, it was all different. He was still sinking into darkness, and the less he spoke, the less he confessed, the more he was out of reach of everything and everyone.

"I can't do this...", he finally said in a barely audible whisper.

He buried his head into this little cocoon he had created with his legs and arms, he closed his eyelids and let the tears invade his blue eyes. He couldn't, he could no longer endure this.

"What you can't do?" Carlos asked delicately, kindly placing his right hand over his left shoulder.

Letting Matt cry, evacuate the emotions he had inside of him, he said nothing, waiting for an answer from the one he now considered a friend. He needed it, he needed to let go, to get away.

"Make her suffer", he admitted between two sobs.

He had finally confessed. Carlos felt both relieved to see that Matt confessed, and worried to see his relationship with Gabby was only based on her suffering, according to him.

"Why do you think she's suffering?"

"I hit her!" he announced in a very angry tone, withdrawing his head from the nest he had made.

His face was now facing Carlos.

"I hit her! Do you know what it means?! Huh?!"

Carlos knew perfectly what it meant. He had also beaten his wife in a moment of his life, when he was at rock bottom. He knew Matt's feelings, he was well placed for that.

"I know what you're thinking, Matt. You think that Gabby deserves someone better than you? That you're a monster? You may say to you that it will never happen again, you're scared to death that one day, it will happen again without being in control? Without being able to do anything? You're paralyzed by the fact of realizing that if, and I mean the if, it happens one day, all this would go too far, further than anything you could have imagined?"

How Carlos could read his mind this well? How he could know all the questions arousing Matt? Tears still flow down his face without stopping, he was shivering like never before. He laid his head on his forearms, waiting for answers to his questions, though he doubted that one day, he could have them.

"Matt, I have to confess something."

Carlos had never talked about this to anyone, not even the guy who had helped him to get through this. His wife was the one talking about this, but he never uttered a word about this traumatic event of his life. He took another deep breath, hoping to calm down enough to confess his crimes, he wanted Matt to feel better, and the sooner the better.

"When I was drunk, and... And I came home late, I sometimes... Attacked Elyanor."

Tears almost instantly stopped streaming down the face of Matt, listening carefully to what Carlos was announcing.

"I, uh... I had no control of anything at all, and... And when I finally became aware of what I was doing, most of the time the next morning, she... She was mostly covered in bruises, in wounds. As I never remembered anything, she always told me that... That she had fallen, or she had slipped. And one day, I became aware when I was in the middle of a crisis. I realized at this moment that... That she never fell or slipped. It was me. I did this to her. I blamed myself greatly, because I was beating the woman I was in love with, and she said nothing at all, she never complained. Nothing."

Carlos paused, looking at Matt for the first time in the eye. Their rule number one was to never lie to each other. So, Matt knew that he wasn't lying, that all this really happened. He had understood everything, his feelings, his guilt, his anger, his urge to give up, everything.

"I wanted to break up with her. To protect her. I didn't want to see her in pain because of me, I didn't want to be a burden for her, to be her own pain. Because I loved her, and... I blamed myself for making her suffer like this. And you know what she did when I told her that your relationship was impossible?"

Curious, wanting to know what happened, he shook his head from side to side, waiting for an answer.

"She hit me back", he admitted, smiling. "She yelled at me, telling me that I had no right to break up with her because of this. She was ready to sequester me to not let me leave our house."

Inwardly, Matt laughed. He had never thought that Elyanor was this woman. She was so sweet and kind, he couldn't even imagine her scream or hit someone.

"She decided to take some self-defense classes, assuring me that if I hit her again, she would hit me as well. She assured me that if I was in a crisis, she would be able to stop me. She assured me that if I woke up crying and screaming at night, she would become my pillow. And that's what she did."

Now, Matt was listening carefully. He could also understand what he went through, Elyanor had promised the same things than Gabby.

"When I was in crisis, ready to hit her, she controlled me. When I woke up after a terrible nightmare, she was there to rock me and make me sleep again. When I cried, she was there to cheer me up and make me smile. And without even notice it, being with her, knowing that she loved me anyway, it helped me to turn the corner. She was the person I needed when everything was wrong."

Without looking Carlos again in the eye, Matt had got what he meant.

"Matt... Gabby is the person you need. She loves you, she could do anything to make you feel better. She never blamed you for what happened and she never will. She's strong."

The two men said nothing for several seconds, until Matt started smiling slightly.

"She's stronger than me."

"She's headstrong, indeed."

"That's not what I mean."

Carlos stopped talking, waiting for further explanations from the man near him.

"She... When we... We lost our baby..."

Matt started biting his lower lips, his voice started breaking, he was swinging his body back and forth, as to lull himself. He was fiddling his index finger with his thumb. Carlos had noticed this with Matt: when he was stressed or when he was talking about the highly sensitive subject, he was used to pass his thumb over his index all the time, as if he was trying to calm down.

"When she woke up the first time, even if... Even if I explained to her that... That the baby was no longer here, she... She didn't assimilate the information. She wanted... She wanted to check how the baby was, and..."

His head still on his forearms, Matt held back a sob. Tears had come back to his eyes, but he was holding them.

"When she woke up the second time, she realized. She realized that there was no baby anymore, and... And she needed me."

"She needed a strong man."

"I... I've been strong. For her. Because she needed it."

"What about you? What did you need at the time?"

He said nothing, thinking about how he could say it, about what he wanted to say. He had no right to lie to him, it was a fixed rule.

"I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream out loud with all my strength, I wanted... I simply wanted... To be alone and cry."

He took another deep breath, and cried.

"I got her pregnant, I wanted this baby! But... But losing him? I blamed myself, I hated myself. And I still hate me. Because... Because I think that... That if I hadn't get her pregnant, nothing would have happened... I would never have this... This feeling of losing my baby again in those flames... I would have thought about it for a couple days and... And I would have dropped this memory somewhere in the back of my mind to forget it, like I always do. But this..."

Matt turned his head, as if he was ashamed of having revealed this information. Carlos knew what he meant, what he had in mind, what he was going through.

"But this, you haven't been able to forget. You can't, because it was your child."

"This child represented everything I wanted! A family! Losing him... It was like losing this family I've really never had!"

He stopped for a while, thinking about how to explain the last thing he had to confess. But he didn't find an alternative way, he had to tell this straight.

"I would have preferred Gabby never gets pregnant", he finally admitted. "At least, this little boy wouldn't haunt me everyday."

Both of them heard something from behind, close, like a sob coming from nowhere. They turned, seeing Gabby weeping bitterly.

"Y-you... W-why didn't you tell me, Matt?" she stammered because of the sobs.

"Because you needed me!" he admitted. "You... I couldn't mourn our baby while you were mourning him! You needed me!"

"Matt, I don't care seeing you cry, I don't care seeing you mourn our child, I don't care seeing you with a bad mood", she explained, kneeling beside him. "What I want is being together in these moments, living them together, mourning together. Being hurt together."

On these last words, Gabby hugged Matt the best she could, pressing him against her chest while she shed a few tears again.

"I want us to be united, to be a family. And we'll have ours."

* * *

 **What will happen next:** **Carlos and Elyanor will have two surprises for Matt, and trust me, he will like both of them ^^**


	22. A new wave

HelloOo! I hope you're up for a new FIT chapter! Honestly, I am not proud of this one, because one idea included in here was for the next chapter, but I wrote it down here... I am a very bad girl!

I also got a review from a guest (he/she would recognize himself/herself), and I just realized that French and American don't use the same medical approach about a blood pressure: in France, we litterally say "BP at 13 over 7", and in the US they say "BP at 130 over 70". So thank you, you're the first one questioning me about this haha Now, I will used the US approach ^^

* * *

 _ **Previously, on the last chapter...**_

 _ **Matt confesses to Carlos that he's tired to making Gabby hurt against his will, and the latter explains to Matt that hsi wife and himself already went through this hell. And finally, Matt opens up and explains why the image of this little boy devoured by flames keeps haunting him.**_

 _ **And now, the next chapter...**_

* * *

 **Chapter 22: A new wave**

Two weeks had passed in the cabin for Matt, Gabby, Carlos and Elyanor. Gabby had talked to chief Boden about Matt's conditions, trying to reassure the entire crew from the second watch of the firehouse 51 as well. She didn't mention what happened during one of his numerous crisis, and Herrmann had been obviously the most sensitive about Matt. After all, he was there, beside him when this little boy had been devoured by flames, he was still in shock too. Talking to both Dr. Charles and chaplain Orlovsky helped him a lot to overcome what he had seen that day, even if it still happened to wake up at night with a start, screaming then getting up to see if all his children were all well in their bedrooms. Cindy awoke too, caring for her husband, but she said nothing. She knew and understood this tough period, having been aware by Christopher about this little kid Matt and himself couldn't save from the fire. However, unlike his lieutenant, Herrmann didn't internalize at all: he needed to get all this out of him to get better and overcome this painful moment. It made things easier, but for Matt, it was a torture: put works on his feelings, on his emotions was harder than keep everything inside of him and try to forget. And what everyone was trying to do, it was to make him talk. His emotional shield was broken, and as long as it wasn't rebuilt, Matt had to externalize everything at all costs, and it was a daily challenge. When she called the firehouse for the umpteenth time, asking for news, she realized immediately that something was off. In their voices, she could hear distress, despair, as if there had been a bad news to shake them like this. She thought about a tough call, so she didn't go further, not wanting to rub salt in the wounds. Times were hard enough.

"How's Casey really doing?"

Herrmann had understood: he knew that Gabby didn't tell everything, he knew her as his own daughter. He had trained her well. She sighed, asking to her mentor if he was alone or if someone was around him. Once isolated in an office, Casey's office, he asked again, waiting for an answer.

"He... He's slowly turning the corner. He still has crises."

"Crises?"

"Like panic attacks, but... But Matt becomes relatively violent", she admitted in a whisper.

She didn't talk about this to anybody until now. The only ones aware were Carlos and Elyanor, who were there when it happened. Feeling the distress in her voice, he realized immediately that every words had its importance.

"He attacked you."

There was a silence, allowing Christopher to confirm what he just said: Matt had beaten Gabby.

"Nothing... Serious?"

"It's not his fault, Herrmann. He was in the middle of a panic attack and I tried to stop him. He startled and his fist crashed on me without him being in control! He just tried to protect himself."

"You didn't answer my question, Dawson."

She sighed again, closing her eyes and passing her fingers over her forehead.

"Just... A bruise and a cut, nothing serious. No stitches required. He's already blaming himself a lot, it even made him sick."

"Dawson, he beat you."

"He didn't! He..."

She took a deep breath again, trying to calm her voice to not be heard by Matt, taking a nap on the couch.

"He's just lost, and in shock about this little boy. He needs to regain his marks and rebuild his defenses, that's it."

"Okay, okay..."

Feeling a nerve, he said nothing else. For him, she was clearly in denial. He had seen this already: one of his cousins had been beaten by her husband, and she said nothing, or she said it was nothing, she minimized these horror scenes. Because despite all this, she still loved him.

"I hope it will get better soon for Matt. I guess he feels bad after... After what happened, but it's maybe going to help him, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I hope so..."

There was another silence between the two friends. Gabby knew something was off by the sound of his voice.

"You had a rough call?"

"What?"

"I can feel that there's something you don't tell me. I guess you had a call... A pretty bad one."

"Not at all."

Herrmann wanted to say nothing, not now, not today. It wasn't a good time. In fact, it would never be the right time. Closing his eyes, he sighed, finally spitting it out.

"This woman who... Who lost her son in the fire. The one...", he didn't go further, shaken by his own feelings. "She's pressing criminal charges against the firehouse. Negligence and homicide."

Gabby almost dropped her phone when she heard the news. Her eyes widened, her heart started beating a mile a minute. She wanted to scream, to cry, but she couldn't, too shocked by what she had just heard.

"And, uh... When you mean the firehouse, you mean..."

"Yeah... It means Casey and me."

It was a final straw, the one supposed to kill you. It meant that there was going to be an audience, it would mean that Matt had no other choice but to testify, it would mean him to be aware of the situation and let him sink further into his distress and into his inner world.

"God..."

"I-I... I don't know what to say, Gabby, I... I am also in shock, to believe that... That she thinks we're responsible of the death of her son..."

"Herrmann, we already got through this, remember? This woman who lost her husband because he made a shield with his own body to protect her and their children... Jones was still there."

"I remember. Casey had been pretty shaken if my memories are intact."

"Imagine just a second what this audience would do to him? It'll destroy him!"

"I know, Gabby, but... There's nothing we can do. We've tried to do this amicably, but she didn't want to hear anything."

"Okay, okay... When the audience will be?"

"Date is fixed yet. But I hope it will be as soon as possible. So we can move on."

Gabby was still sighing, scratching her forehead, wondering how she could explain this to Matt. But she didn't find any words. She heard a noise coming from the living room, someone startling her.

"Matt's waking up, bye."

She hung up, Herrmann didn't have time to ask her to say hi from the firehouse to him. She replaced her phone on the bow, as she was used now every time she spent some time in here with Matt, then she ran to the chimney. His man had just awoken in a start. He was up, pacing around, scratching his arms. He was soaked in sweat. Gabby stopped his course, taking his wrists to make him stop scratching himself to blood, but he struggled.

"Matt, Matt! MATT!"

Her scream startled him once again, but now, he was staring at her. In amazement and terror, he froze, he didn't move an inch. He barely dared to breathe. After several seconds, he exhaled deeply, as if he realized what he was doing. Carlos perfectly explained to her that psychosis was an important part of PTSD and it could occur through different forms. Seeing the distress in his eyes, Gabby accompanied him and encouraged him to sit on the couch in order to regain composure. Once done, she took his cold and trembling hands, stroking them to soothe him. It took time for his breathing to slow down a bit, for his tremors to cease. She said nothing, she just waited for him to make the first step.

"Sorry", he finally whispered.

"Don't be, it's not your fault."

Matt needed her, of course, but she tried to find the words to talk to him about what Herrmann had confessed to her.

"I-I... Didn't hurt you?"

Meeting his gaze, he was clearly holding back a sob. He was so scared of having hurt the women he loved once again, and it touched Gabby. So, she shook her head from side to side while closing her eyes.

"No. No, nothing happened. I just... Grabbed your wrists and I yelled at you when you struggled", she admitted as she still stoked his hands.

He let out a sigh of relief; it hurt him terribly to have beaten Gabby up already, so he was frightened of starting this again. He knew that it would happen once again one day, and he truly hoped that she could stop him in time, before the irreparable. As she was avoiding his gaze and she was not talking, Matt realized immediately that something was off.

"Gabby? I... Did something wrong?"

"What? No! No, it's not you."

"Then what?"

"Uh... It's not a good time to talk about this."

"Gabby. I never lied to you. Tell me."

As fast as his crisis occurred, he totally regained his senses. It surprised Gabby, but on the other hand, it made things easier for her to tell him what was up the sooner possible. The sooner he knew, the sooner he would be prepared for this event, and the less he would get hurt. Moreover, if he asked her since when she knew about this, she could answer that she had just been aware, which wouldn't add any supplemental problems. So, she took and deep breath, sitting straight in front of Matt while stroking his hands.

"Uh... Herrmann just called. And... And he told me that the mother of the little boy was going to press charges against the firehouse. For negligence and homicide."

The time for Matt to realize what it meant, Gabby raised her head, finally meeting his gaze. Within a second, the expression on his face changed several times: incomprehension, stupor, fear, anger. Disorientation. He didn't know what to think. He understood that if there were charges, it meant that the agreement hadn't worked. He understood that it also meant that it would end to the court. He was enough lucid to realize that he would have to explain everything about that call, about that precise second. Without uttering a word, he let go of her hands and got up, ready to go to the bedroom to be alone and calm himself down after this revelation. At first, she didn't stop him, wanting to know what he would do. But when she saw that he was trying to escape to not face the real problem, she caught him.

"Matt", she tried, grabbing his wrist again.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"

He turned in an excess of fear, swinging his arm forward to make her step back. But as she froze again, she received his arm on her face, on her cheek, the one not wounded yet. She didn't move, petrified once more by what just happened while Matt was stepping back and was looking at his own hands. He ran away, enclosing himself into the bedroom, but not locking the door. She wanted to join him, but Matt surely needed some time alone. So, she headed to the opposite, toward the bathroom. She had to see by herself whether the gesture from her beloved had caused damage or not. She looked in the mirror: her cheek had begun to swell but nothing more, and it didn't hurt her. Not like the last time. And what had shocked her even more was to see herself crying. She was scared now, because in every moment, everything could go wrong. But she wasn't scared for her, she was terrorized by her reaction to not get hurt by Matt, and hurt him in her opposition to him. She didn't care being hurt, because she realized that every time he hit her, he regained his senses. She was ready to do everything to stop his crises, even if it meant not replying, even if it meant staying still and letting him hit her. Really ready to do everything. The two lovers heard the car outside. Carlos and Elyanor just came back from their escape in town. They both entered, dropping their phones on the box, as just after each escape, and dropped the bags in the kitchen. By the silence of the room, Carlos frowned. Indeed, it was never this calm. There was always a noise: the wood crackling because of the heat in the fireplace, the slight snoring from Matt when he fell asleep on the sofa, or Gabby cleaning the cabin and cooking, but now? It was a marble silence, as if the house was empty. Curious and worried at the same time, he looked at his wife, who nodded. She stayed there in the kitchen, unpacking what was in the bags while he ventured into the cabin. He heard cries, worrying even more. What happened? He didn't recognize this sobs, it wasn't Matt. He already heard him cry, and it wasn't the same sound. It was Gabby, necessarily. He let the sobs guiding him, trying to find and understand what was happening. Cries were coming from the bathroom. He gently knocked, the cries stopped.

"Gabby?"

No more noise, and after several endless seconds, the door opened, revealing Gabby. His eyes widened when he saw her face. It was almost unnoticeable, but a part of her cheek was swollen. She was about to look down, but he held it with only his index finger. She was avoiding his gaze, she was holding back a sob. Carlos had already dealt with this, he could recognize the signs.

"What happened?" he asked slowly, as not to hurt her.

He patiently waited her to calm down, to regain her senses. She sighed, closing her eyes reddened by the tears.

"The woman... The one who lost her kid in the fire. She..."

She swallowed nervously, taking a deep breath to tell everything at once.

"She will sue Matt for negligence and homicide. He... He saw that something was bothering me, and... And I told him everything."

This time, she didn't hold the tears, she let them roll down her cheeks freely. She plunged her face into her hands, ashamed when she didn't have to be.

"Another crisis."

Gabby nodded slightly, and clung to Carlos when he took her in his arms to console her. He had many crises like this, but it was mainly due to his alcoholism. He never had faced such accusations, he couldn't really understand Matt and his feelings when he had been aware of the situation.

"Where is he now?"

"B-bedroom. I... He didn't lock himself in, but I didn't want... I didn't want to hurt him more."

"Gabby, I'll talk to him. Alright?"

"Okay..."

She wiped the tears, still shivering.

"Elyanor is in the kitchen, she's storing what we took in town."

"Okay, I'll help."

Carlos knew that it sounded sexist to talk like this: women in the kitchen, men having fun, but they didn't have time to bicker for it. She left him in front of the entrance of the bathroom, joining Elyanor into the main room to help her. So, he took a deep breath before turning back, crossing the huge room and heading toward the bedrooms. As he was used to, he knocked before opening and entering slowly. Matt was lying on the bed, his hands serving as a pillow and his legs were curled up.

"Matt?"

"Leave me alone."

"I'm not going anywhere", he replied firmly.

Very slowly, he approached the bed, trying to sit next to Matt. He straightened, as if he had already calmed down within five minutes after what had happened.

"Everything okay?" he asked as if nothing happened.

Matt looked in front of him before answering that no, simply. So, Carlos said nothing, waiting for further explanation. He had to get everything out, he had no other choice.

"I... I don't want to hurt her, but... B-but I keep hurting her. I don't want this..."

He closed his eyes, trying to hold back his tears and sobs, but his shield had been so damaged that he couldn't, not anymore.

"What happened?"

Carlos was perfectly aware of the situation, he knew what had triggered this new crisis. He just wanted to have Matt's point of view about it.

"Uh... The mother of the little boy... The one I couldn't save, she... She decided to... To sue the firehouse for... Negligence and homicide."

"Which means?"

Carlos was trying to not rush Matt, but he had no other choice but to make him talk as soon as possible. Invaded by stress and fear, he started playing again with his index fingers and his thumb.

"Which means that... That we'll have to explain what happened, and... And I don't want to. I don't want to go back here again and again. I can't! That's what it means!"

The captain said nothing, watching Matt getting up and pacing, explaining what he really had on the heart. He turned around for a while before stopping.

"It will never end", he whispered. "Each time I tell myself that... That I feel better, that I can turn the corner, this fucking image comes back. And I can't get it out of my head! I'm becoming crazy, why it doesn't want to get out of my head! Why it doesn't want to leave me alone, huh? Why this little boy is still going back to me, why he's still there! I want him to leave!"

Carlos got up as well, trying to curb Matt in his mental self-destruction.

"I don't want to testify."

And finally, Matt collapsed to the ground, gnawed by tears, sobs and this image he couldn't get out of his mind. Carlos came near him, holding him firmly in his arms while he was shivering. Soon, the sleeve of his shirt became wet because of the tears rolling down Matt's cheeks. He couldn't tell him that he had the right to not testify, it would be a lie. He had no other choice but to testify. He let him evacuate all the tears against his chest, maybe he would feel better after that. Ten minutes passed before Matt finally calmed down. All this had greatly exhausted him once again. And Carlos needed to find a way to distract him and avoid him to think back to this story.

"Elyanor and I prepared something for you. Well, two things to be exact. The first one is here."

Carlos got out of his pocket a small box, and Matt opened it carefully and slowly. He was speechless. Frowning, he got out a gray and black steel ring, with a twisting and braided device. Inside the fixed ring, something was engraved: I am stronger than anything.

"I have noticed that you don't stop fiddling your index finger with your thumb. I thought that an anti-stress ring would be helpful", he smiled.

Against all expectations, Matt smiled back, gently placing the ring on his index finger and trying it. The ring fit him like a glove. He met Carlos' look and thanked him with all his heart. It deeply touched him to see that someone had noticed that. In fact, as far as he could remember, he did it unconsciously all the time, but Carlos had been the first to notice it, or at least to admit that he had noticed it.

"There is something else in the living room."

"I... I can't go in the living room, not after what I did to Gabby."

"I promise that she has nothing. Her cheek is barely swollen, I had to get close to her to see it. Moreover, I am sure she already forgave you. Come on, come with me, or I bring you there by the skin of your butt!"

Matt smiled again, following Carlos with an undecided step. He was scared, scared to hurt Gabby again. Once in the main room, something got his eyes. A small detail that changed everything. There was a cello affixed to the sofa. Intrigued, he turned toward the kitchen, where Carlos had gone to kiss his wife.

"What the..."

"I thought that a little accompaniment could be good", Elyanor explained. "I am a cellist, and I've noticed that when I was playing and when you were playing, my son stopped kicking. I didn't think I would be able to bring my cello here, but the terrace is perfect to play, and the surroundings have an unique acoustics."

She smiled, seeing the surprise in Matt's eyes. He let out a few tears again, invaded this time by positive emotions: being surrounded by good people in order to get better. This place was perfect, the forest made him feel better despite his crises, his entourage allowed him to feel listened to and loved.

"Thank you...'

That was all he could say, deeply touched by this attention.

* * *

 **What will happen next:** **Well, as I wrote in the chapter my idea for the next one (Matt being aware of the "pressing charges" situation), I don't know! But I will try to write a beautiful chapter, maybe one with Matt and Elyanor playing together, or Gabby and Matt talking about their situation. Or both ^^ Stay tunned and you'll know!**


	23. A part of him

Hello, dear readers! My scholarship is now over, and I will have more time to write (I think), I am back at full time on fanfictions ^^

This is a chapter I started to write a few weeks ago but didn't finish at first. I've spent half of the day trying to end this part of the story, and I did it when it was bedtime (too bad). I had to translate as fast as I could to give you this chapter and go to sleep with a terrible shoulder stabbing pain (yes, tapping on a computer can make me feel THIS), but it was worth it :D

I hope you will leave some reviews and like this chapter ^^

See you soon!

* * *

 ** _Previously, on the last chapter..._**

 ** _Herrmann called Gabby to tell her that the mother of the young boy who died in the fire was going to sue Matt (more the firehouse than Matt himself) for negligence and homicide, and she had to tell Matt the truth about this. By hearing what was happening, he hit Gabby again and admitted to Carlos that he didn't want to testify at the court._**

 ** _And now, the next chapter..._**

* * *

 **Chapter 23: A part of him**

To try to help Matt as much as she could, Gabby had called her brother Antonio. A solution had to be found to get around this crux: having to speak at the trial and tell what had happened to everyone. Gabby and Matt both knew that the latter was too fragile for this task. As Antonio was now working for the courthouse, he was able to help his sister and brother-in-law as best he could. He had proposed to Gabby to meet Matt and have an interview. It surely wouldn't be enough not to plead at the bar, but Antonio had hopes of supporting the case enough to avoid Matt precisely that kind of situation. To be in an environment where he felt calm, the appointment had been fixed to the cabin. At eleven in the morning, Antonio arrived for the first time in this dream place, and his sister opened the door.

"Hey sis!"

"Hi Tonio."

They kissed, as usual, but his gaze plunged into that of his sister. Not to worry him, she had wrapped her hair in such a way that he could not see her damaged eyebrow and her swollen cheekbone, but Antonio needed more to stop. He had immediately seen this sudden change and had wondered about its cause, and Gabby was doing her best to avoid his gaze. Frowning, he moved his hand toward his little sister's face and moved her lock of hair away, revealing the slight swelling and crust formed over her eye.

"Gabby, que pasa?" He asked her, alarmed

She moved away from him, trying to find the words so he wouldn't hurt Matt.

"Nada", she said, smiling slightly. "I... I fell. I am such an ass!"

Antonio raised one of his eyebrows: he could see that it was a lie from her, but seeing that he had hit a nerve, he didn't go any further. For now.

"How's Matt doing?" He asked, changing the subject.

"He uh... He gets a little better every day. I think being here is good for him. He needed to... find himself back."

"He... Is he okay enough for this report?"

"I think he should, but if he says stop, we stop. Okay ? I never want to see him again as I saw him at the very beginning of this story."

"Gabby. You called me so that Matt didn't need to testify before the court. I need his report as soon as possible."

"As soon as possible doesn't mean to rush him either," she said curtly, surprising her brother, who took a slight step back.

Gabby sighed as she closed her eyes. She was tired, she felt overwhelmed by these events. She wanted to blow, but seeing and knowing Matt in such a state of intense emotional stress prevented her from doing what she really wanted. He needed her now, the roles were reversed.

"Sorry."

"No, don't worry. You are right. I will go smoothly."

"I will go get him. Make yourself at home."

As Gabby moved away to the rooms to bring Matt into the large living room, Antonio stepped a little closer, putting his coat on the coat rack, and then sat down on one of the four chairs around the dinner table. A few minutes later, Gabby had convinced Matt to surpass his emotions and come to speak with Antonio about this story, although it didn't please him at all. It was the first time Antonio had seen his brother-in-law in nearly two months. His hair looked much darker, his skin had become almost white, his eyes looked empty and he looked tired. But still, Matt smiled at him, advancing towards him with difficulty.

"Hi Antonio."

He shook his hand, his grip had lost in tonus, which worried him strongly. To achieve such self-destruction, Matt had surely crossed Hell, for Antonio. Soon, Matt sat down in front of him, Gabby taking the time to get three large glasses of water before sitting down beside the man who shared her life. Discreetly but noticed by the couple, he took a recorder in his coat pocket and lit it, before placing it on the table, near him.

"I know it's going to be very... Difficult for you, and I would have liked that situation never to happen, but…"

"I have no other choice. I know."

Antonio applied a slightly forced smile on his face to try to relax his brother-in-law, in vain. Matt was very stressed: it was really the first time he'd ever told what he saw in the slightest detail to anyone. There was Gabby by his side, but the fear of reviving a new flashback haunted him, although it had been several days that he hadn't had one.

"Take your time, okay?"

Hardly, Matt nodded, swallowing his saliva nervously. After several seconds of uncertainty, he decided to take a deep breath.

"We were called to the scene of a structure fire. And as usual, we took less than thirty seconds to leave. Chief Boden was in the lead, and we followed him a little farther."

"Who is this 'we'?"

"Truck 81, then Squad 3, and finally Ambulance 61. Engine 51 had to take a different road than us because they came from the other side of the firehouse and had to go around the block before joining us. As the Chief's car was... Faster than us, he first arrived on scene. He gave us a brief recap of the situation in order to organize us."

"Meaning?"

"Uh... Well, depending on the situation, Squad and Truck work differently. As Severide and I have been working together for the last ten years or so, different scenarios have been developed."

"So, for that kind of... Situation, you had a scenario in place?"

"Indeed. We... We share the floors. We make groups of 2, each one on one floor, and in general, we all find ourselves on the middle floor to finish the search and rescue. The apartments are inspected clockwise and in a coordinated manner for better efficiency."

"What about this building?"

"There were four floors, potentially sixteen apartments. So, we divided into four teams. Mouch and Borrelli had to stay outside and set up our own fire fighting system pending the arrival of the engine guys. Dawson and Otis had to ventilate and then assist Engine as well on their arrival. Tony and Cruz were teaming up on the third floor, Severide and Capp taking the second. As for Herrmann and I, we took the main floor. And together, we had to meet on the first floor."

"On what floor was the apartment?" Antonio asked, trying not to rush Matt.

He knew that to talk about all this was a real pain for him, he understood it well. But it had to be finished as soon as possible.

"He um... was on the first floor."

Antonio said nothing for a moment. Matt's behavior had changed dramatically. His eyes were wrinkled as if he was fighting something. He noticed that he had begun to grind his right index with the help of his thumb. From his experience in the police, he had learned to observe each of his suspects at each interrogation. Matt was not a suspect as such, it was more an OCD than anything else, but it was very effective. He could determine the state of mind of his brother-in-law: he was lost, stressed, frightened. A question burned his lips, but he knew deep down that it was not the right time.

"It was a school-free day, and as a result, there were potentially many children, and we had to act quickly. So we spread."

"Before you got to the first floor, you saved how many people?"

"I'd say... about twenty people?"

"Okay. So, after the rescue of this twenty people, you went together to the first one."

"That's it."

Matt's voice began to fade away. He closed his eyes briefly, struggling against this image of the mother lying on the floor near her front door.

"Herrmann and I started to the left, and Severide and Capp to the right. And uh... When we got to the first apartment, we knew that it was going to go wrong soon, and uh ... Chief Boden... shouted on the radio that... T-that the smoke had turned black."

Matt had more and more trouble telling all that had happened. His mind was turned upside down between sadness, fear, anger. He was afraid of having a new flashback.

"We knew that... We had a minute or so... With Herrmann, we... We made the last apartment. There was a woman on the floor, and I asked the others to... To take her out because the other apartments were empty. That's where that woman said that her son was... Was still inside."

"So, if I understand well... You entered the apartment while the other firemen were taking the mother out?"

"With Herrmann, yes", he said before swallowing hard.

He knew he now had to give more details about what had happened then, with the little boy. That was what he feared the most.

"Turning on our left, we... We saw the little boy. He... was motionless, in front of the window, with his... Bear in his arms."

"And what did you do after then?"

"I... I heard Herrmann. He shouted at me that we had to throw ourselves on the ground."

"Why that?"

"I turned to know why, and... There was a back draft."

"Does this happen often?"

"When the roof is vented, yes. But if we don't do it, people die suffocating because of the heat and the toxicity of the smoke", Gabby explained when she saw that Matt was now struggling to find his words.*

"And... What did you do after that?"

"I... I threw myself on the ground", he confessed, dejected.

He closed his eyes, trying in vain to restrain his tears.

"It's only after that... That I thought about the little boy again and... I raised my head. I saw his look when the flames approached him."

"And so?"

"He was not afraid. He was just there, watching us. As if... If he was at peace. As if he didn't understand that... That his life was already over."

"Was there a chance that... That Herrmann or you had time to rush on him and save him?"

"Impossible. The flames would have killed us, and the child too. There isn't a single day when I do not think back to all the possible scenarios. If there had been... If there had been no obstacle between us and the little boy, maybe... Maybe we would have had a chance to save him, but... But there was this table to get around and... We wouldn't have arrived in time."

Antonio stopped asking questions, feeling that Matt had reached his breaking point. But the latter wanted to continue, he wanted to give the smallest detail that could help, the smallest detail that could help him feel better.

"I took several minutes to... To realize what had just happened. I... I went out with Herrmann and... I went directly to see the mother and..."

Matt swallowed his saliva, visibly shocked by what he was saying.

"I used to say that to families, but... I didn't even manage to say a consistent sentence!"

He was totally angry at himself. It was understandable and at the same time difficult to bear.

"She hit him", Gabby said. "When she realized that... That her son had died in that fire, she slapped him, she blamed him for promising to bring her son back."

Gabby remembered the woman's cries, she remembered all that had happened. Matt being completely stoic, motionless and dejected, the woman weeping hot tears and shouting at Matt. How he had gone to his truck, by dragging his paw and waiting for the others, seeing him lock himself in his office after they had come back to the firehouse, and... All the rest that had followed. Antonio then turned the recorder off, putting it in his pocket and standing up.

"Did she hit you just like you hit my sister?"

Matt's eyes widened, and he raised his head.

"What?"

"You hit my sister!" He shouted at him, obviously very angry.

"Do you think I don't know that?!" Matt then yelled as he got up abruptly, making Gabby jump out of her chair as well.

It was too much for Matt. He was tired of undergoing this from Antonio, he had more than enough to be the bad guy when he couldn't control himself. Besides, to avoid exploding and keeping control, he clenched his fists so strongly that his skin had turned white as if his blood was no longer circulating in his hands. There was so much hatred in Antonio's eyes that it made Carlos and Elyanor uncomfortable, who were also in the room and heard everything. They didn't dare intervene because it was a family affair, but at the slightest problem, they were going to do something. But no one said anything, everyone looked at each other in the eyes, hoping to know who was going to speak first, but nobody gave in. After nearly two minutes of lead silence, knowing Matt and Antonio and knowing that it was likely to degenerate, Gabby took a step forward to get in between Matt and her brother.

"I think you should go, Antonio."

Her gaze was sure, determined. She knew what she had to do to protect her man, and she was going to do it, even if she had to put her brother out. She was ready to do anything to make him feel better, and what Antonio had just put on the table had already shaken him enough not to add water in a filled cup. Understanding that he had lost this duel, he stepped back, then turned to leave. Gabby was about to say something, but she changed her mind quickly, and let her brother go. The latter, very angry, slammed the front door so hard that everyone jumped. Carlos had to intervene. He glanced at his wife, who nodded, then got up from the sofa to go out to meet Antonio.

"Hold on for a sec!"

The former cop was already getting into his SUV, and he changed his mind when he heard that voice he didn't know. He closed the door and turned to Carlos.

"What? You're going to tell me that he didn't do it on purpose?!"

"Before you go to conclusions, let me speak, okay?" He asked calmly.

Carlos had seen that Antonio was a bloodthirsty, and he couldn't blame him for being angry with Matt for hitting his sister, it was quite legitimate. But he didn't know the reason why. So, the captain sighed and joined the policeman.

"Gabby surely told you, but Matt is suffering from PTSD, that image of the little boy he couldn't save haunts him every night and day, and the trigger is... This baby he couldn't have."

Antonio's eyes widened slightly by Carlos's confession. He was surprised.

"The baby?"

"Matt couldn't really mourn him like Gabby did, because according to him, she needed him by her side. He neglected his own feelings for her. Seeing this little boy die in front of him was like living again the miscarriage of Gabby, and this disrupts him strongly. So much, that at the slightest detail, it can trigger a paranoid flashback, and at that point, he no longer controls anything."

"Wait, hold on... You're telling me that... My sister is trying to stop his flashbacks, and that's why she's hurt?"

"Gabby tries to restrain him, but Matt is physically stronger and has the upper hand. She noticed that every time he hits her, he regained control, so she lets herself do it."

"She has to leave him. Now. I can't allow that."

"Gabby loves Matt. And vice versa. Gabby needs Matt, and Matt needs Gabby. We have found a solution to try to stem this, and for now he seems to work. He hasn't had a crisis for several days, whereas he used to have one every day at least."

"But it can not last!"

"Look, Matt already feels awfully bad for daring to raise his hand on Gabby. So much that he had already run away while barefoot in the forest after a crisis. As a result: he was seriously injured and had been ill. He thinks he's no better than his father. He is terrified, he is lost, and he is hurt. Don't you think that's enough? Imagine him in this state, and learn that the woman who has lost her child wants to make him fall for not having saved him. Imagine him losing control without being able to do anything about it, imagine him in this state of ubiquitous stress he can't overcome yet."

Carlos was beginning to lose patience with Antonio. He felt deep inside him that he was getting angry to argue with him, and he didn't like it. In the absence of Antonio's words, he continued.

"Gabby is Matt's catalyser, which keeps him on the ground. Without it, you can be sure that it would already be out of this world. I am here to help him overcome this, to put words on what he feels, to express something and to rebuild himself. I'm here because I've already gone through what Matt is going through, and I know how hard it is to get through this."

Antonio then realized that his sister was really ready to help Matt, to be beaten by the man she loved. His love for his sister was so great that he wanted to protect her, as it had been since she was a baby. He sighed, putting his hands on his hips. He understood perfectly the situation: he too had seen someone die in front of him, more than once. But it didn't affect him as much as his brother-in-law. Suddenly, a melody came to their ears. Carlos wasn't surprised, quite the contrary, it made him smile. He knew what it was and what it meant. As for Antonio, he frowned, at once surprised and curious as to why the man in front of him smiled.

" Am I dreaming or I hear music?"

"That's Matt. When he was in the hospital, the shrink gave him several musical instruments and he was attracted to violin. When he plays, he feels good."

Antonio thought back to what Carlos had said about a solution to avoid crises.

"Is that your solution?"

"When Matt plays, his emotions come out. If he is quiet and calm, the melody will be soft and slow and warm. If he is angry, the melody will be faster and the notes more powerful. If he is sad, the pace is slow and you want to cry. Well, that's what my wife says, I'm not a musician."

"And uh... He has no crisis? Ever since he plays?"

"He may have had a few, but much less than before. He plays every morning when he wakes up, and when he feels he is going to have a flashback."

Another melody, modeled on the violin, reached their ears, surprising Antonio even more.

"That's my wife. She is a cellist. They've been playing together for a few days, and it's since she's been playing with him that he no longer has flashbacks, or at least he's not getting into a crisis anymore.

Antonio couldn't understand how such passion could help. Seeing his misunderstanding, Carlos tried to explain.

"When you feel bad, sad or angry, whatever. What are you doing?"

"Personally? I box. It allows me to romp and feel better afterwards."

"So, see the music as a romp for Matt."

Slowly, Antonio nodded, understanding in part the actions and gestures of his brother-in-law. He had also had a difficult time, and boxing had greatly helped him overcome this ordeal.

"H-he... Matt is really getting better?"

"If you had seen him in the hospital, he was physically worse. And mentally, I don't even think about it! But being here makes him feel good. You can trust me."

Antonio nodded, returning to his pick-up and heading back to Chicago, leaving his sister here with Matt and two people he didn't know personally but who seemed to be able to help the man he had difficulty recognizing at first. He was going to pray. He was going to pray with all his being and his heart to see him again physically and mentally in shape.

* * *

When Matt started playing, he decided to close his eyes, to give free rein to his imagination, to his emotions. He didn't even know what he was feeling. Was it relief? Was it anger? Hatred? Against whom and why? Against himself? Against Antonio, because he had asked him all these questions? Against this woman who just lost her son, because she was suing him? He let himself be guided, and soon, his bow met the strings of his violin, his fingers came to rest on the neck to produce notes while the bow slid on the strings. Elyanor let him play alone for several minutes, the time to understand Matt's feelings and let herself be invaded by them. She didn't like what she was feeling, they weren't her usual emotions. But on the other side, it also allowed her to externalize a lot of things because she hadn't had much opportunity to play cello since the beginning of her pregnancy. All she knew was that it calmed her son inside her belly. He moved constantly, when she played et she heard Matt play, she felt nothing more, as if she had never been pregnant. It was a strange sensation she liked after all. As if her emotions didn't belong to her and they synchronized with those of Matt. After five long minutes, she allowed herself to be guided in turn, closing her eyes and placing her fingers on the strings of the cello she had brought specifically for him. She took her bow, letting it hit the strings at the same pace as Matt. At first, everything seemed calm, as if he was repressing his emotions, that he bridled them. But after a few minutes, Matt started playing harder. The sounds he produced with his violin were much stronger, more powerful, as if his negative emotions were finally beginning to emerge, as if he were beginning to assume them a little. And to encourage him, Elyanor did the same: she began to tap the strings louder, to push on her bow so that the sounds were more powerful. She had to do it for Matt, so that he could understand that he was not alone, that he was surrounded by people who understood the hell in which he had been living since the incident, who would be there for him, no matter what he felt or experienced. It was a heart-rending sight to watch for Carlos and Gabby, and especially for her. Seeing him in such despair, overwhelmed with such anger was harming her, even if it made her feel better to see him externalize through music. Matt's bow's hair began soon to deteriorate, to break as if he was always putting more force into what he was doing. And even when all the hair broke, the strength and anger of Matt was so persistent that he continued the gestures without any note now coming out of the F-holes of his violin. Elyanor stopped immediately when she heard no more notes, thinking that Matt had stopped playing, but when she opened her eyes and saw that he was still playing without any note, she understood. It was music that allowed him to express his emotions, his states of mind. It was music that managed to control him, it was music that would allow him to get better. Rare were the musicians able to put their emotions into their music, and even if Matt had no experience, he did this. She was at the same time frightened to see so much anger and despair in him, but relieved to see that it helped him to overcome this ordeal. After a moment, when Matt almost felt no anger inside of him, he stopped playing. He felt large drops of sweat running down his forehead and cheeks, running down his neck to get lost on his shirt. He could feel that his breathing was slightly faster than usual, as if he was breathless. He decided to open his eyes, getting used to the sunlight passing through the trees and reflected on the window before him. In front of him stood the three people who accompanied him since his arrival in the cabin: Elyanor, Carlos, Gabby. They were all there, staring at him, their eyes almost filled with astonishment. He swallowed his saliva, as if he was getting nervous and began to clear his voice. He wanted to talk, to say so much, but every word remained stuck in his throat.

"How long..."

There were no other words needed for anyone to understand what Matt wanted to know. He wanted to know since when he was playing, since when they were standing, watching him play. When he began to play, he lost the notion of time. What seemed to him to last a minute could last much longer. He turned his head, surprised to see that Elyanor was standing beside her husband, because when he began to play, she was sitting beside him, playing as well. He had heard her cello at the very beginning, but her notes had suddenly stopped. And thinking back even further, he noticed that he hadn't heard his own notes for a while. His right hand was trembling, holding his bow very tightly while something tickled him. He looked down at his right hand, opening wide his eyes, realizing that the every hair of his bow were broken because of his anger. Seeing that, Elyanor was the first one to approach him again, sitting down where she was when she was still playing with Matt.

"We started playing about an hour ago", she said calmly. "And the hair of your bow broke forty minutes ago."

Matt's surprise was huge: he had been playing for forty minutes in a vacuum, and he hadn't noticed it.

"When a musician digs into his music, it is difficult for him to understand time. And even when the melody stops, he can stay in this state for a long time before coming back to reality", Elyanor explained to Matt. "It shows how good musician you are."

She smiled at him, trying to comfort him so that he didn't feel bad after that moment, which he no doubt found embarrassing. Only the best musicians could stay this long in this trans state. In general, it took a minute, not much more for a musician to come back. For Matt, it had lasted forty minutes, almost a record. But Matt needed this to feel better. Understanding that he didn't have to be embarrassed, he sighed deeply and nodded slightly. It made him good to play like that.

"How do you feel now?"

The question hit him hard. How did he really feel? What he knew was that he no longer felt anger or hatred in himself.

"Soothed", he said honestly after a few seconds of reflection.

Elyanor smiled again, satisfied that Matt felt much better now that he had played.

"My bow…"

"You have a spare bow in the box, and if you wish, we will go in town and get another one. But in the meantime, you have to eat."

"It's already noon?" He asked in astonishment.

"12:30 am to be more precise. I had time to make pasta, and I still have to cook the eggs."

Matt couldn't help but smile, deposing his violin in its box with the broken bow, before sitting at the table with Gabby, Carlos and Elyanor. All this was making him so good, it was as if he had found a part of himself that he had buried deep inside him since the incident.

* * *

 **What will happen next: I really don't know! Maybe a romantic chapter with Matt and Gabby? **


	24. Forgiving

Hello, dear readers! Promised thing, due: A new update or this story ^^ These past few days, I had more inspiration for this story than the others, so it's a working progress for now.

I had a bug the last time I updated this story, so please read chapter 23 (which I put online a few days ago) because it didn't appear immediately among the updated stories.

BUT the thing is: I had my 100th review! So I have to thank you all for following me into this. I send you lots of kisses and love for this *GIANT KISS*

I truly hope that you will love this chapter (it was written for that) and that you will leave me some reviews after having read it ^^

See you for the next update

* * *

 ** _Previously, on the last chapter_**

 ** _Antonio came to the cabin to have a statement from Matt about what had happened that day, and he realized that Matt had hit his sister. After the statement, he got mad and Carlos tried to make him understand Matt's state of mind when they heard him play violin along Elyanor and her cello._**

 ** _And now, the next chapter..._**

* * *

 **Chapter 24: Forgiving**

A couple of days had passed without any major incident. Every morning at sunrise, Elyanor joined Matt in his melody, so that he could understand that he wasn't alone, that he could give free rein to his emotions. Once, he woke up with a terrible rage inside of him without knowing why, and he had again broken all the hair of his bow, but after a small jam, he felt better, as appeased, free. Of course, his rage was still inside of him, but it didn't return to the surface. Matt had made a promise to himself; to avoid letting it win in order not to hurt anyone, and especially not Gabby. In these moments when he was almost close to becoming uncontrollable, he isolated in his music, he sought to break contact with the world around him, to avoid the slightest problem, to dodge those moments where the woman he loved tried to calm him down, but couldn't, and he hit her unintentionally. He didn't like this because when he did, he felt terribly bad then. Although Gabby had reassured him, he always had the impression to become his father, this violent and lawless man who was killed by his mother, supposedly to protect him. Was this really the case? Was this not because she was tired of all his anger, of all the violence she had endured for years? It was a life he didn't want for the woman of his life.

The sun was high in the sky, piercing the treetops to swoop down to the water of the lake. Matt was now used to sit on the edge of the terrace and let his feet touch the water when the time and conditions allowed. It was something that soothed him probably more than music. He had recovered some colors, and the rays of the sun reaching him inundated his face. They were so strong that he had to close his eyes, blinded by the reflection of light on the water. Carlos had gone to town with Elyanor, for her sixth-month ultrasound, and they promise to come back for dinner, but not before. They had the idea to let Gabby and Matt alone, to have time to find themselves. Since the incident, they hadn't really had that time, and this day was the perfect opportunity to enjoy an afternoon between lovers, according to Carlos. Gabby had thanked them, also thinking that it was worth a try. Every day, she got texts from Kelly he was asking for news, how was Matt, how it was at the cabin. Once, he also asked to possibly come by and see by himself that everything was fine, and especially to see Matt. He hadn't seen him since his release from the hospital, two weeks or so, and he missed him terribly. He didn't admit it out loud, but Gabby could read between the lines of his texts. After all, Matt and Kelly were like brothers. She finished washing the dishes, letting it on the counter, and joined Matt outside, at the edge of the terrace. She withdrew her socks and dipped her feet in the water. Although the sun was shining and warming the surface, the water was still horribly icy, and she let out a little cry as if it was burning her. At the sound of this cry, Matt made a slight smile, with the corner of his mouth.

"You're not making fun of me by any chance?" Gabby asked when she saw his smile.

"I wouldn't dare", he teased her.

Gabby laid her right hand on the left hand of Matt, the latter turned his hand so that his fingers are intertwined with those of the woman beside him. But he also looked away, as if he wanted to avoid something.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Matt", she insisted.

Matt sighed deeply, looking down and turning his head to Gabby. His eyes met hers, and he understood. She was really worried about him; the edge of her eyes was wet, as if she was about to cry.

"Hey, something's wrong?"

Gabby couldn't help but laugh, what Matt couldn't understand. He seemed lost: on one hand she seemed sad and ready to cry, and on the other hand, she laughs.

"You're the one who is not okay, and you're the one trying to comfort me."

Matt still seemed not to understand what was happening, even if inwardly, he had understood why she started laughing. Gabby cleared her throat, taking her serious face.

"I know you're not okay, Matt. But you tell me that everything is okay. I don't want you to lie to me, you understand?"

This time, he understood perfectly. This sad look she had on her face, it was because she felt betrayed by this trust she gave to Matt, because he lied to her. And she started laughing because his instinct had immediately pushed him to comfort her. As he was so used to previously. Discreetly, he nodded, turning his head back to the sun.

"Do you really think that… That having another baby would erase everything?" he asked very honestly, astonishing Gabby.

For a brief moment, she was speechless, in shock.

"You think about Carlos and Elyanor?"

He nodded again, this time stronger. Gabby sighed, passing her left hand on Matt's face to turn his head to her. She had managed to understand his question, even if explicitly, he hadn't actually asked it like that.

"Matt, I don't want a baby just because we lost our first one. I want a baby because we love each other."

"So… You think that their baby is not made of their love?"

"I think he is actually. And he was there at the right time. He allowed Carlos to face his demons."

"You don't want me to face my demons?"

"Yes, of course, I do want this! What a question!" Gabby retorted.

She understood immediately after what Matt was trying to find with all these questions. He wanted to find a way to recover, and it warmed Gabby's heart.

"We'll find a way to face this, together. And faster than you think. I want you to know that I am here for you. Always."

"So… For now, you don't want a baby?"

"I think that… That it's not the good time. But when this time will come, we will have our baby. You can be sure of this", she assured with her beautiful smile.

Hardly, he smiled timidly. Oddly, he expected this reaction from Gabby. And to tell the truth, he didn't feel ready to have a baby either. He was too fragile, too violent to become a father.

"I uh… I invited Kelly for dinner", Gabby explained in order to break the silence.

She immediately felt the tension caused by what she had just said. Matt was still blaming Kelly a lot for letting him down to the shrink he didn't like at all.

"He calls every day, asking for news, asking if he can come by."

"I don't want to see him, not now", Matt said.

"You're still blaming him?"

"He. Abandoned. Me."

"Matt, he didn't", Gabby retorted. "He was in the same position as me."

"But you came back to me. Not him", Matt said in a whisper that Gabby had trouble understanding.

She sighed, trying to find a way to get him understand that he was wrong about his best friend who supposedly abandoned him.

"When you called me that night… When you… When you took these medicines. Do you remember?"

Matt said nothing, looking elsewhere and letting the sun rock him. He dreaded these moments where they talked about the mistakes he had made.

"When you no longer answered me, I called Kelly. He uh… He literally jumped on you, you know. I remember all the details. I remember his panicked and fragile voice, he didn't even know what to do as he was in shock. And the time for the paramedics to come, he kept you alive. I heard him scream, yell at you not to give up, I could hear him curse. He blamed himself. He's still blaming himself because he thinks he broke his promise. Because he promised me to look after you and…"

Gabby caught her breath, trying to calm down by closing her eyes and think about the proper words to use.

"When I arrived at the hospital, he was seated, his head in his hands, crying and… And asking forgiveness. Do you understand, Matt? Kelly is so angry at himself about what happened…"

For a brief moment, Matt's heart sank. Kelly, crying? It didn't fit at all. It only happened a few times, and he remembered when it happened: Andy's death, the accident with the ambulance with Shay badly injured, his head injury, the kidnapping of his half-sister, Shay's death, and then nothing. He only cried when he lost someone very important to him or when someone hurt his relatives. It meant everything.

"H-he… He cried ?"

"And for awhile", Gabby confirmed. "His eyes are red and swollen when I arrived in the ER, and April told me that it had been hard to get him out of the room. And before that, she had had trouble to take over him when… When he was bagging you. When I said that he kept you alive, he did it all the way. Until the ventilator took over him."

This greatly affected Matt to know what Kelly had done for him. How hard it was and how much he blamed himself. And also to know that he had sunk far in this fall. He didn't really realize how bad it was until now.

"I am sorry", he whispered. "I… I just wanted to sleep, just one night without… Without any nightmare."

Gabby said nothing, giving Matt some space to explain everything he had on the heart. It seemed the right thing to do. Listen to him.

"When my heart started throbbing, when I started becoming lightheaded, I knew that… That something was wrong and… And I called the first emergency number."

"Mine."

Matt nodded slowly, visibly moved to talk about this while he increasingly turned his head to Gabby.

"I just wanted to… To have a quiet night, you know?"

"I understand, Matt. I completely understand, trust me", she affirmed, close to tears.

Taking Matt in her arms, Gabby closed her eyes and let some tears rolling down her cheeks. She was happy and sad; sad to see Matt in such a distress and anger, and happy to finally know the truth about what happened that night when he overdosed.

Several hours later, Carlos and Elyanor came back from their appointment with their arms full of food and started preparing dinner. They both wanted to make a secret recipe for their hosts but also for Kelly, who would soon arrive. Matt had decided to stand aside, taking his place back at the edge of the terrace, his feet in the water of the lake, although it had become very cold, to enjoy the view and the sunset. A few tens of minutes later, Kelly arrived, knocking before entering and meeting for the first time Carlos's wife.

"Nice to meet you! And congratulations for this little… Boy? Girl?"

"It's a boy, and before you ask, we already have some ideas for his name", Elyanor smiled.

She knew too well the world of firefighters to know that they were highly curious, and it didn't change at all from town to town. Kelly smiled too, turning his head to Gabby.

"Where's Matt?"

"On the terrace. Keep him company, we settle everything and prepare dinner."

Kelly kissed Gabby on her cheeks, thanking her for having yielded to her request to go to the cabin and have some news of Matt in person. The bay window being open, he passed on the terrace by making as little noise as possible, even if he suspected that he had heard the conversation and therefore know he was there. He smiled, contemplating the calm his brother seemed to have and walked toward him with a firm step.

"I have the feeling that you staying here makes good on you", Kelly said, sitting next to Matt and dipping his feet in the cold water of the lake.

"I feel great here."

"That's why I put this cabin at your disposal. I remembered that it helped you more than once in the past, so I figured that once again, it would help you."

Matt made a slight smile, lowering his head.

"Gabby told me that… That you are blaming yourself for…For my overdose?"

Kelly was about to answer, but no word came out of his mouth. All these images of this precise moment haunted him again. He swallowed hard, trying to clear his throat.

"When Gabby called me and told me that you were… I immediately ran to your bedroom and… And I felt my heart tighten. I remember having thrown my phone on the ground and… And you didn't wake up. And then I saw the empty box of sleeping pills, and… I panicked. I… I panicked so much that I didn't know what to do", he explained in shock, his eyes becoming red and his voice becoming increasingly shaky. "I… As you weren't breathing, I… I did a CPR the time for the paramedics to come and… And after that, I took care of your breathing, until we were in the hospital. They wanted to go to Lakeshore but I insisted on going to Chicago MED, and… Once there, you… Your heart almost stopped."

Kelly took a deep breath, taking a break because of his emotions. Matt remained still, absorbing every word from his best friend. Seeing him in such state by telling him his point of view about what happened that night, it was a big shock. He'd never seen Kelly in this emotional state of mind.

"And then, April took me out of the room and she gave me… More decent clothes than a shirt full of holes and my boxer briefs", he laughed, trying to relax, in vain. "I blamed myself for all this. I should have look after you. I promised Gabby. I promised you", he stated, insisting on the 'you'.

"Kelly, you did nothing wrong, okay?" Matt tried to discredit his friend. "I wanted to sleep one night without nightmares, and… And it's only when my heart started pounding that I understood what was going on. You did nothing, I did."

"But then, you got stuck in this cage because of me, while you needed to be outside!"

"And you thought it was the best solution! Yeah, I blamed you for that! But why blaming you when you only wanted the best for me?"

Kelly remained there, his mouth open, his eyes plunging in Matt's gaze. Was it true? He didn't blame him?

"Gabby told me that… That despite the fact that… That I didn't see you, you were there for me, and… And that I blamed you for nothing. I really thought that… That…"

Not finding the words, Kelly finished the sentence, understanding what he meant.

"That I gave up on you?"

Timidly and ashamed, Matt nodded, trying to look away. This was without counting on Kelly, who caught his jaw and turned his head to him.

"Matt, I never gave up on you, and that will never happen. Always be there for each other, remember? You, you didn't give up on me after Shay's death, after everything that happened to me. It's my turn to be there for you."

Matt closed his eyes, holding the tears ready to flow, and nodded once again.

"I am your brother after all."

The two friends shared a big hug, Matt letting some tears roll down his cheeks. But sitting at the edge of the terrace as they both were, he lost his balance and fell into the cold lake, leading Kelly to his fall. Not expecting such a moment, Kelly shivered in water, cursing everything around him.

"Jeez, Matt!" he couldn't help but scream.

Hearing his curse, which sounded like a surprise, Gabby immediately believed that Matt was having a crisis, and she rushed outside, on the terrace. Not seeing her fiancee and his best friend, she walked slowly, calling them.

"Down here, in the lake…", Kelly guided her, shivering because of the icy water.

When she saw the two friends in the water, Gabby couldn't help but laugh, until she cried. The view was amazing, and Carlos and Elyanor were curious in turn, coming on the terrace as well.

"What's going on?"

"Oh nothing", Kelly assured. "Matt just lost his balance and tried to catch up to me", he explained, pretending to be pissed off.

Carlos and Elyanor started laughing with Gabby while the two friends remained in the lake. Suddenly, an idea flashed through Kelly's mind, and he turned his head to Matt. His gaze had changed; it was softer, more… He was at peace. And in a second, Matt understood his brother. It gave him a smile and nodded, and then, they both plunged their hands into the water to splash the three viewers on the terrace, laughing heartily. Carlos smiled as well because staying here, in this cabin, surrounded by people Matt liked, he got to know the firefighter, as he was before: a prankster, smiling, loving. Seeing him like this, having fun with Kelly, it was what he wanted to see for a long time. Its defensive shell had started to build back.

* * *

 **What will happen next:** **I think I will do an ellipse in time; everyone left the cabin, Carlos and Elyanor came home in Milwaukee, Matt and Gabby in Chicago.** **But Matt will probably take the toughest decision of his life...**


	25. Perfect

Hello! I know, I know. I didn't update as I wished to, but I had no inspiration to finish this now chapter.

Anyway, it's there now, and I hope you will like it as I liked writing it ^^

Please leave me some reviews after having read it :D

Je vous souhaite une agréable lecture / I wish you a nice reading

* * *

 _ **Previously, on the last chapter...**_

 _ **Matt and Gabby have a conversation about their future, and Matt admitted that he wanted to get through what he was enduring. Kelly came to see Matt for the first time since his release, and reassured Matt about their friendship, after the latter had been aware of what Kelly had gone through after his suicidal attempt.**_

 _ **And now, the next chapter...**_

* * *

 **Chapter 25: Perfect**

Another week had passed. Matt had still trouble facing the situation, he said he was doing better. He sincerely thought he was, but he was unsure about it. Recovering from this gaping wound would take time, he was aware. And to start this healing process, he needed to come back home, to have his daily routine back. To feel as he was before then. With the support of Gabby, Carlos and Elyanor, he decided to go back to Chicago. It had been three weeks he turned around in the cabin, he did liked being there of course, but it urged him to rehash the past, and it wasn't good at all. Three weeks working on a new kitchen counter, creating it, realizing it, and setting it with the help of Carlos and Kelly, who decided to come by every day when off shift, while Gabby and Elyanor devoted to paint it. With the wood finish and the ambiance of the house, and with Kelly's approval as the owner of the cabin, they decided to use natural tone, marbled and unbleached, bringing out all the woody details that Matt had realized. On seeing the masterpiece he had realized, Carlos had entrusted a mission to Matt, which he could start on his return to Chicago; as he wanted everything to be perfect for the arrival of his little boy, he asked if it was possible to create a crib and a rocking chair, which Matt accepted with no hesitation. Indeed, Carlos had understood that working wood with his hands allowed Matt not to think about his trauma and allowed him to freely express his creativity. Working the wood was his new therapy to get better in a sense. The trip seemed shorter than usual, undoubtedly because Gabby and Matt were excited to come back to the city life of Chicago. He asked Gabby if they could possibly stop by the firehouse, knowing that their friends and colleagues were on shift until nine in the morning.

Gabby parked the car and they both went out, meeting first the firemen of the fire Squad. All without exception welcomed them warmly, with friendly tapes in the back and hugs.

"It's good to see you here, Matt", Kelly confessed, whispering in his ear as they embraced.

"I must admit I miss it", he said with a smile. "But... I'm not sure I'm quite ready for that."

"Take the time you need. Your place will always be waiting for you."

"Who's filling as a lieutenant for me?"

"A guy called... Jason Kannell? He pretends to know you, but he never spoke of you."

"Oh dear... Kannell is replacing me!"

Matt couldn't help laughing, to the dismay of the men in front of him and who didn't understand why he had started laughing.

"Kannell and I come from the same neighbourhood, we grew up together. I didn't even know he had become a lieutenant!"

At this point in the conversation, the doors of the firehouse opened and a slew of firefighters left the common room to appear in the apparatus floor.

"I knew I knew that voice!" Herrmann said, very happy to see his lieutenant.

He could not help running towards him and taking him in his arms, which Matt accepted with difficulty and smiled. Sudden gestures could still trigger bad memories, but Matt was more or less able to control them now.

"I'm glad to see you again, Herrmann. And all of you!"

Several accolades later, it remained only the new replacement lieutenant: Kannell. They knew each other by heart, and decided to make everyone believe that they didn't get along at all for a few minutes. They stared at each other, the members of the Squad, who knew that the two apparently knew each other, lost their smile. Yes, they knew each other, but what if they didn't love each other at all? If they hated each other? Not a word came out of the mouths of the firemen and paramedics. But after a while, Matt and Jason couldn't hold back any longer: they burst out laughing, leaving all the firemen incomprehensible. They threw themselves into the other's arms, shouting with joy.

"God, I didn't know you had become a lieutenant!"

"Actually, it's very recent. This is my first fill in this position."

"You're still a floader?"

"Yeah. But it doesn't matter, it allows me to go to different firehouse. I really like it."

The others realized that Kannell knew Casey well, which intrigued them more.

"So you know each other very well", Otis said doubtfully.

"Kannell and I lived in the same neighbourhood during our childhood. Until the family of Kannell moved out to the other side of the city."

"Despite the harshness of our neighborhood, we still managed to get by. We had said we would do it together, but... I'm still glad to see that we're here in the Chicago fire department."

"We could have turned bad, indeed. I'm really happy to see you."

"Me too, man."

"So, if I understand you correctly, you were trouble magnets?" Herrmann said.

"You could say that. Our neighbourhood was not the most hardcore of the city, but there were some dangerous gangs. They tried to engage us more than once, they offered weapons, protection, drugs, all sorts of things, but... We said no every single time. Because we had a dream, and we thought we were going to realize it together. There was an intervention in our classroom to introduce us to their job, and we knew immediately that this was what we had to do to get out of it."

"And then you moved out, and we lost touch."

"Yeah, the separation was terrible. And one day, several years later, I hear that Matthew Casey had been the first in his promotion at the Chicago Fire Academy, and I knew I had to sign to clean up his mess and do better than he did."

"Still, it's always me who has the record, right?"

"Hey!

Kelly jerked right away, pretending that he had the record for the final exam, others listening to their exciting conversation without saying a word.

"I assure you that I have the record! I beat it for a few seconds, I swear!"

"You want to call Chief Tiberg to have your answer?"

"Go ahead! Call him, we'll see who's right!"

Jason Kannell quickly realized that Lieutenant Severide had a very special relationship with his childhood friend, to the point of being a little jealous of him. But Matt had made his life after his move, and it didn't bother him to see that he had made new friends on whom he could rely. Kelly called Chief Tiberg, who laughed in the phone, understanding why two of the best lieutenants in the fire department had called him.

"Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously chief!"

Kelly heard Chief Tiberg muttering in the phone, something like "I swear, these two are not possible", making everyone laugh because Severide had turned on the speaker.

"So I have the record here, and... I do not have the name of the one who holds it, but one thing is certain, it's five minutes and twenty-one seconds."

The two lieutenants looked at each other, stunned. It was not one of their records. Kannell choked a laugh, everyone looking up at the replacement lieutenant.

"I told you I signed up to clean up your mess!"

"T-this is your record?!"

A big giggle arose, none of the members of the firehouse expecting this outcome. Several minutes passed, Kelly had hung up, thanking Chef Tiberg for clarifying a situation, and all returned to the common room. It was soon the end of their shift, Matt and Gabby decided, with the agreement of Chief Boden, to stay until it was finished. To tell the truth, it surprised Matt to see that being here, in his element, he didn't think of all that had happened to him. His friends and colleagues made him forget the tragedy he was overcoming. But still, Matt was afraid. He wanted to have his place back in the fire department, in the firehouse that had seen him grow up, but he was terrified that painful memories could come to the surface during a call. He wanted to come back, but he thought it was too early. Several minutes passed before Matt asked Herrmann and Otis to follow them into the briefing room to talk to them. He needed to do something, and needed their help.

"What's bothering you, Lieutenant?"

"Uh... I would need your help for something."

Curious, Herrmann and Otis stood up, in alert.

"Come on, talk to us."

"I'd like to surprise Gabby tonight at Molly's. And... I would like to know if it is possible to…"

Matt then explained to them all the things he wanted. After about thirty seconds making a monologue interspersed with a nod, the three men began to smile.

"I see. We will organize everything for tonight. But do not come until 9:30, all right?"

"Okay! Thank you guys, that's... It's really important to me."

"No problem."

They then returned to the common room. The shift being over, they changed and went home, promising to go to Molly's tonight.

* * *

The evening, just a couple hours after explaining his plan to Herrmann, the latter and Otis contacted him to tell him that everything was ready and that the bar was waiting for him and Gabby. Matt wanted to surprise the woman of his life for several years in the most beautiful way. He wanted to show her how her presence at his side in the darkest moments was the best thing that had happened to him in a very long time. She had been there during her mother's release, also when Hallie had died in a fire. She had been the first to see that his exemplary behavior at the firehouse had been merely a facade, and therefore really helped him to overcome this ordeal. She had helped him when Heather went to jail and had to keep his two godchildren, Ben and Griffin. He had asked for the help of all the firemen in the firehouse, but the one who helped him the most was Gabby. The one who was there now, the one who, despite everything that had happened between them, had always been by his side, it was always Gabby. She had accepted him as he was; broken, to rebuild. He saw only the negative sides, but the woman of his life often reminded him of the list of positive things: for her, Matt was a perfect person. As stubborn as she was, with a joking and serious side at the same time, filled with gentleness and love. And to thank her, he had prepared something secretly, and even Herrmann and Otis wondered while preparing the bar what he was planning. But he wanted to keep the secret until the end and didn't want to say something more. So, in the evening after eating as if nothing had happened, he suggested to Gabby to go out to the bar and ask her if she still could wear the dress she wore the day they really kissed the first time under the porch of her apartment. Not to arouse his curiosity too much, Matt had told her that he loved this dress, and that it was absolutely perfect for her. She went no further, and wanted to please her man, she tried the famous dress. Wanting to be perfect for him, she untied her hair and dropped it on her shoulders, and also applied a layer of carmine lipstick. Thus, she was really like three years ago, when she had decided to go at his house to finally express her feelings. But Matt had been faster, and when she opened her front door, he was there. She remembered this moment, this precise moment when their eyes met, the desire of the other taking place in front of the surprise to see the person loved. Quietly, they made their way to the bar and parked. They then entered Molly's and were welcomed with open arms by the whole team of the firehouse.

"Herrmann?" Why is the karaoke out? It's Thursday, the karaoke night is for tuesday", Gabby wondered.

"Oh, uh... That's... uh..."

"It's me", Casey interrupted. "I asked for that."

Under Gabby's questioning glance, Matt got up and took the direction of the scene, taking the microphone in his hand and turning it on. Everyone turned to him, his colleagues at 51, the many unknowns of the bar, all surprised by the move. He had lost the habit of speaking in front of a team, and even more in front of people he didn't know.

"Uh... As you know, I... run through a rather difficult moment and... And there's a person who has always been there for me... In my moments of doubt, anger, my mourning... All the time. She was by my side from the beginning, and despite everything I could... I could go through, she is still there. And... And I wanted to thank her for that. I spent three weeks away from everyone and everything and learned a lot about myself. And this is a part of what I have learned."

Matt closed his eyes when a soft music began to vibrate the room.

 _I found a love for me_

 _Darling, just dive right in and follow my lead_

 _Well,_ _I found a girl, beautiful and sweet_

 _Oh, I never knew you were the someone waiting for me_

From the first words, the first smiles appeared on certain faces, especially those of Herrmann and Otis. For the others, it was the surprise that dominated. After all, no one had surprised Casey singing before. Gabby too was shocked, filled with emotion, she was beginning to understand why he had asked her to wear this dress in particular. It represented the beginning of their history.

' _Cause we were just kids when we fell in love_

 _Not knowing what it was_

 _I will not give you up this time_

 _But Darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own_

 _And in your eyes you're holding mine_

Moved, Gabby could not hold back a few tears. It was not, however, tears of sadness, but of happiness. Matt was declaring his unconditional love. He explained to her through this song how much he loved her, he cherished her, but also that he was not going to give up on her.

 _Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms_

 _Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song_

 _When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath_

 _But you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight_

Everyone looked at Gabby, even Otis and Herrmann had not fully understood what their lieutenant wanted to do tonight, but now they knew: he wanted to show Gabby that despite everything that had happened in his life, his love for her had not changed since the beginning of their relationship. It was something so strong that nothing and no one could break that. The song continued, Matt had closed his eyes and saw himself again in the woods, playing music by the lake. This allowed him to express his feelings freely, and that was what he was doing through this song. It was made for Gabby. He wished to assure her that, in spite of the obstacles, he loved her as on the first day; as when she had opened the door in front of him, dressed in the same dress, made up in the same way, with the same hair. That day she had been perfect, and since then nothing had changed. She was still so perfect, he was still in love.

 _Well, I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know_

 _She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home_

 _I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets_

 _To carry love, to carry children of our own_

 _We are still kids, but we're so in love, fighting against all odds_

 _I know we'll be alright this time_

 _Darling, just hold my hand, be my girl I'll be your man_

 _I see my future in your eyes_

 _Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms_

 _Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song_

 _When I saw you in that dress, looking so beautiful_

 _I don't deserve this, darling, you look perfect tonight_

An instrumental interlude came to cut the song. It was brief but long enough for Matt to open his eyes and contemplate the scene for a few seconds. People had stopped their discussions, their gaze turned towards the little scene that Otis and Herrmann had set up at the back of the bar. All seemed surprised to see an introverted person like Casey open up to the world through a song. This made him smile, and as he was about to start singing again, he closed his eyes again, contemplating inwardly every line, every curve of Gabby. He then put all his energy, all his love for the end of this song, so that the woman he loved understood that he was still crazy in love with her.

 _Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms_

 _Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song_

 _I have faith in what I see_

 _Now I know I have met an angel in person_

 _And she looks perfect_

 _I don't deserve this; y_ _ou look perfect tonight_

The music stopped, not a sound interrupted the silence in the room. Astonished, Matt opened his eyes, and realized that what he had just done had amazed the whole room. He then looked at Gabby, who was the first to move; she jumped from her stool, rushing to the stage to embrace Matt, big tears rolling on her icy cheeks.

"I love you too, Matt. I love you more than anything in the world. I love you so much...", she confessed, tightening her embrace.

It was only at that very moment that the crowd gathered began to applaud the performance, sometimes even to whistle with happiness. Everyone was conquered, and no one knew that Matt had such a talent. Enjoying that moment, Matt and Gabby headed back to the bar under a thunder of applause and friendly paces.

"Hey, lieutenant! You hid this from us all this time!"

"I didn't know that I was able to do it until very recently", he admitted.

"Yeah?"

"Mh. I learned that when... During my days with Dr. Charles."

Everyone understood that the subject was still a little taboo and too recent for Matt, and no one went further. What he had to know was simply: that he had discovered his gift for music shortly after the tragic events that have led him so far. Everyone decided to consume his drink almost silently. The couple formed by Matt and Gabby kissed, glad to not think about all they had experienced and suffered over the few weeks that had just passed. Casey smiled at her, contemplating her as on the first day; with desire, with passion and with love.

"I made a decision. I no longer have to hide behind... Behind my fears and my anguish. I have to face them."

Matt took a deep breath, Gabby and his friends looking at him trying to figure out what he meant by that.

"I'm going to go to trial. I have to testify."

Moved, Matt held back a few tears, supported by all his colleagues and the woman of his life. He had to face his demons. He had to do it to get better, he had to face this woman who had lost so much.

"Matt, baby. We will do it. We will face it together", Gabby assured, the other firemen nodding as a support to their lieutenant.

* * *

 **What will happen next : I think I will do an ellipse in time, come back two months later for this famous trial. **

**A/U:** **The song sang by Matt Casey is Perfect from Ed Sheeran. I thought it was the perfect song for our Dawsey couple ^^**


End file.
